notes from the underground--grad school edition, volume 1.

all through my aphasia class today we were talking about neuroscience.

all i know is that i kept thinking about brains. and autism. and aphasia.

in my other class, i kept thinking about autism therapy.

we were talking about phonological theories and articulation,

but i kept thinking about autism.

this is the thing about individuals with autism--

they see more than they get credit for seeing.

they see more.

- - -

the brain is so malleable, but damage is damage.

at church on sunday i was talking to someone.

and when i talked about my course of study, he had a real-live response and discussion.

(not just the usual coolokaybye. that means idon'tknowwhatthatmeansbutgoteamokaybye.)

because there was a woman in his ward or somewhere who was brilliant and bright and sharp.

and then she had a stroke and lost her words.

him: you can just tell. the words are right there. it's all still there, but she can't--

me: --yes! it's there, but she just can't get it out.

him: exactly. and now you can tell she's so reliant on her husband for everything.

aphasia is so fascinating, but tragic to me.

because even if you didn't lose your life from the stroke,

you've lost the words that give you life.

in therapy and intervention prognosis, they always talk about influencing factors.

things like age and site and severity of lesion.

family support, previous skills prior to the event.

and motivation.

because with acquired language disorders, so often the motivation comes so hard sometimes.

no one can understand you, or you can't understand yourself.

and so individuals become depressed sometimes and unmotivated to work on treatments.

as if a little part of them knows--

no matter how intensive the therapy,

their gains may never reach again where they once were.

in the beginning of college, i'd always understood that concept--

but only as a concept without really understanding.

then last fall as part of the professional practices course,

we talked about the stages of grief.

for individuals, for loved ones, for caregivers.

and i wonder--

would i lose my motivation and quit trying were i old and lost my words or comprehension?

would i fight?

we all say we would,

but when you've lived most of a life,

your heart and brain worn down--literally--from your battle scars.

would you keep fighting anyway, no matter how small the gains?

i'm not so sure i would.

- - -

there's a linguist in me.

or at least i thought there was.

but now i know.

it's a linguist for other languages, not english linguistics.

i love languages and their rule systems and the way they so eloquently function.

my freshman year i took a french class with this terrifying french woman.

she always used to say, c'est logique, c'est français! [it's logical, it's french!]

russian was more complex, but had all its sound systems and history of morphology.

my professor would put up all these linguistic rules about voicing or softness.

and even the exceptions came together in a beautiful sort of rhythm and rhyme.

not english, though.

i don't care for english linguistics.

we sit and talk of phonological processes and patterns.

language development theories and linguistic constraints.

and in english it all seems so scattered to me,

like groping for some small semblance of explanations.

they haven't found one yet.

because there isn't one.

- - -

that's the thing about graduate school--

it's so much less concrete than you'd think.

the statements of fact handed you as an undergraduate,

are taken away and returned to you as a collection of possibilities.

because everything's an option when it comes to pathologies in the brain and language.

everything's an option when it comes to disorder.

analyze what the child is doing.

figure out the puzzle.

this is what keeps our job so interesting.

because there is no one rule to follow.

they give you pieces of all they know,

they go through the process of solving puzzles with you,

and then they send you off to solve the puzzles yourself,

equipped not with answers, but with the resources to find the answers.

to keep researching until you find information that might work.

might. hopefully.

do the same thing with two seemingly identical individuals--

do you get the same result?

not necessarily.

and so you're left to create an answer yourself.

that's all it is--

a collection of answers for interventions that could work,

some are even likely to work.

but when human heads and hearts are involved, you just never know.

even when it seems they should--

sometimes they just might not.

granted.

but also.

even when it seems they shouldn't--

sometimes?

sometimes they just might.

la langue. limbă. язык.

bună dimineața.

te iubesc. fiecare zi.

"je fais souvent ce rêve,

étrange et pénétrant."

однажды. было время. 

этим языкам выучила.

j'oubliais. всё это я знала. 

j'oublie. c'est du passant. 

забываю

и забыла.

il était un fois. 

ce n'est le fin.

ce mai faci?

hai să mergem. 

mergem pe jos. 

today in my russian phonetics class i counted to ten in all the languages i know.

сегодня на занятие по русской фонетике я сосчитала до десяти на все те языки, которые знаю. 

aujourd'hui pendant ma classe de la phonétique russe j'ai comptée à dix dans toutes les langues que je sais. 

astăzi _______ eu am numărat în ______ pe care știu. 

* * * *

k n e w.

your glass is empty, i'll pour some more.

(written 22 january 2015. still mostly applicable.)

i learned how to say 'speak of the devil' in russian.

it was in a play i read for class today.

легка на помине.

i'm ultra insecuresensitive about my russian lately.

i'm not sure why.
i'm not sure what triggered it.
i just am.
yesterday i was chittering with shariska about it,
and she made the point.
the point that the people who are in these classes,
aren't just the average russian speaking missionary.
these are the people who are pursuing it.
the ones who are more gung-ho.
the ones who to start with were already real good.
we talked about the havinganativecompanion difference.
i don't share this often,
but before i went on a mission--
even before knowing that i was going--
i always dreamwanted a native companion.
because i know that's one of those things.
one of those things that can really make a difference.
i was young and naïve, not realizing the intricacies that a mission contains.
the way everything about my mission played out was for a reason.
i know that.
i'm grateful every day to god for the beauty of my ukraine.
but sometimes.
sometimes it's hard for me.
because my russian was good. really really good.
from the start.
and i do have a gift.
but because of that,
i know what i am capable of or what it could have become,
had the opportunity existed.

it never did.

or maybe i didn't work hard enough at it.
no.
i won't even say that.
because i know.
the focus i placed on my mission was right.
i was right to let there be humanity.
i was right to give the reins to my daughters when training those last seven months.
i was right to focus on their progress and development rather than mine.
but.
because of that.
my linguistic progress stalled.
had i done a moscow internship,
i know it would have gotten there by that means too.
i considered going last year.
i never told hardly anyone, but i did.
i legitimately really actually did.
for a minute i factored it, tried to imagine if it could be.
and it was something i considered more seriously than anyone would ever know.
but money.
but i already went to romania.
but--this above all--it just wasn't right.
i needed to be here last summer and have the summer i had.
and i know that.
i know.
до мозга костей--я знаю.

but sometimes.
sometimes it's hard for me.

this language--these languages i've studied.
what has it been for?
french gave me much both culturally and linguistically.
and it taught me to learn a language.
romanian gave me communication--a vision of what it is to become really good in a language not my own.
because at the end, i was really quite quite good.
and i would be asked if i was romanian.
but then i was called away from that.
i went back to french, and it never could groove with me the way it once did.
and then ukraine.
and i was scared from the start. but deep down knew i could.
i set lofty language goals.
and.
i know my russian is good.
i know i picked up on it faster than most at the start.
but.
somewhere, sometime.
it slowed, and sometimes even halted.
and never came to fruition in the way i thought it would, or the way i know i'm capable of.
but why?
doesn't god want me to have that strong ability?
maybe i'd have been too proud.
maybe it's not about attaining in the way i think it is.

in analyzing my patriarchal blessing recently, i had a realization about mine.
it is filled with people.
many people.
influence.
but not with roots, at least not in a long term sense with people.
rather, the roots are spread and stretching widely.
my муж will be a root. our family will make its own.
but i think. i think just like now, we won't have a set place.
maybe literally, but for now i mean figuratively.
we'll stretch our wings and circles.
ebbing and flowing in and out of circles of people, not necessarily tied to any particular one.
and maybe that's what my pursuit of doublemajor is for.
for a stronger foundation in order to communicate when i need to.
for a stronger foundation to be returned to later, so that it can be returned to later.
for communication.
like that russian call i took at work last semester.
that i could functionally communicate with the father of a student po telefonu.
i know the language in order to connect with the people.

i know.

but i am so good with phonetics and grammar.
i don't always love it, but i am good at it.
i was once good at all those little language things.

i know.

just. sometimes.
уязвляет моё самолюбие.
my pride is stung.

mais moi je ne t'oublierai pas.

aujourd'hui j'ai discuté avec mon chef un peu de mon expérience avec le français. (et l'un fois que j'ai fait tout un cours en-ligne pendant deux semaines: en d'autres mots? L'ENFER.) lequel m'a fait pensé à mon parcours complet. quel parcours. il était un fois que je connaissais le français comme un vieux ami. pratiquement couramment. mais non plus. j'ai eu un séjour en roumanie et avec le roumain. et maintenant je vais apprendre le russe. qu'est-ce que c'est ce que je fait? même moi, je ne sais pas. deux cours plus. deux. mais je suis sûr que je échouerais si je essayais. et il faut que je m'intéresser surtout à mon mission. et ça me blesse un peu. mais au même temps, je sais que c'est mieux comme ça. c'est mieux.

via.

mais de temps en temps, je pense à la langue française et moi.

de temps en temps.

truths and honesty.

if i were into being completely and honestly truthful lately, there are a few things i would tell you. say we were sitting down to chat, dear reader. you and i in a quaint little bakery or cafe, or walking through a park. say you asked me to tell you about me and my life lately, and i was sworn to an oath of truth-telling and complete openness.

+ i would tell you how hard things have been lately. how much of a battle so many small moments can be.
+ i would tell you how i go to the temple, sometimes multiple times in one week, not in a desire to be ultra good or righteous, but in an act of desperation, feeling it as one of the few things that i'm capable of doing to combat the powers being actively exerted against me.
+ i would tell you how, no matter how hard i try to force my mind to be happy, there were multiple days in a row this week that i knew it was a lie, especially to myself. a lie that no one knew. but i wasn't really happy. and i didn't have a reason why. i just wasn't.

+ i would tell you that i feel like a failure with the decision to forego the french minor. that i feel frustrated when people question this decision with only two classes left, frustrated that they don't know what those classes would entail, and how much effort is involved in knowing or not knowing a language, particularly in my odd situations with languages lately. some people look at languages like an on/off switch that works like magic once you know it, failing to realize how quickly skills are lost. much quicker than they can ever be regained, especially when built on a less-than steady foundation.

+ i would tell you that i feel like a quitter for cancelling my gre registration to take it before leaving. i know it's for the best, but i can't help but still feel like a flake for signing up and then backing out 10 days before i was supposed to take it.
+ i would tell you about how i was frustrated with myself this week. because i recognized my uneasiness and unhappiness, and despite my active efforts to combat it, there were several days in a row that would have no such thing--despite bits of sunlight and earnest pleading for relief.
+ i would tell you that there is true power to be found in the temple, though not always as first expected or when first expected. and i would tell you how much it pains me when i see people turn their back on what has been revealed to them. because i sincerely don't understand how someone could, but at the same time, i completely do understand--and maybe that scares me.

+ i would tell you about the pure happiness that comes in having a second family named the wertz's. i would tell you about how melissa so willingly offered to go with me to the temple, and how she encouraged me even when i almost gave up on making it on time. if nothing else, that drive to and from salt lake was everything i needed. add in the time in the temple with melissa, the time in the celestial room with the wertz parentals, the dinner we shared, followed by joining will and laur for ice cream? well, that's called free family therapy, even when they have no idea of the effect their constant love and welcome has on me.
+ i would tell you about how much i savor the little moments, like laughter with lauren rose, sunny mornings, funny chats with my supervisor or my coworkers, gchatting with stevie and laurs, talking to our pet fish (oh yes, we have fish. goldfish.), or going to a musical with my grandparents that may have brought me near tears a few times.
+ i would tell you about how annoying, and yet slightly amusing, the stupid traffic school sort of thing i had to go to was. but, if we're still being honest, nothing can stay slightly amusing for four. straight. hours.
+ i would tell you about how alone i've felt lately, even--or maybe more especially--when surrounded by other people.
+ i would tell you about how ready i am to be gone, needing this next step in my life to begin. and about how out of control giddy and excited i get on occasion. other times, i just get near tears wayyy too easily with the weirdest things that cause it.
+ i would tell you about how i feel completely lost in this place in my life that i've never been in before, but despite this, about how surrounded i've been with tender mercies while in the process of making a new map for this unblazed road i'm on.
+ i would tell you about the tinge of sadness inside me that my time mentoring grace is now over, and how i'll look back on the past two years i've spent with her with incredible fondness and appreciation.
+ i would tell you about how much happier i've been on a few occasions lately. after spending time with my immediate family, or after my evening with the wertz's. and how weekends are a welcome relief.
+ i would tell you about the completely odd and irrational fears i have when it comes to my mission and being a sister missionary. or about my commitment issues with making any mission purchase.
+ i would tell you about how the past week or two, i can't stop thinking about the future right after i get home from my mission. and about my future someday hubby (and i'd hate myself for even being that girl and completely acknowledge how dumb i am as i told you this).
+ i would tell you about the healing and happiness that has consumed me, starting last night and today. and how much i hope it lasts. i would tell you how these are all things i'd never say, because i don't want pity. i just want understanding. and i want happiness and peace. something that at last is becoming fulfilled.

all of this, of course, in the entirely hypothetical situation in which i'd be completely honest.

something i'd never do when talking to a human soul and in a situation we're not in.

completely hypothetical, my dear reader.

truth.

somethin bout the springtime.

i've turned into one of those girls that sometimes just wants a salad.
what in the heck is this world coming to??
good thing i bought dunford donuts for our freshman reunion dessert night tonight.
i forgot how much i love dunford donuts until i saw them at the store. and was then obligated to buy them.
duh.

i'm like really super behind on blogging. like, seriously. it's out of control.

too bad that little sitch probably won't be rectified until after finals / the wedding.

oh wait. you forgot about the upcoming wedding??

i didn't. new dresses? please. my favorite thing ever, as we all know.

ironically enough i'm wearing pants today. say whaa?

that's all. i just ate salad. judge me. and lasagna. and a bagel. judge me some more.
sometimes i feel like my life revolves around food and dresses.
haaaaaaahahahahahahaha.

i was listening to a jb song on youtube earlier, and then one of the related videos was this.

confession, i kind of like it. how 'bout we let the judgments just keep on rolling?

except for the fact that i really have a hard time taking her seriously. haaaaa.

member how i get to move to ukraine? nope, still haven't gotten over it.

i did, however, find this lovely picture of chateau fontainebleau.

and it made me crave a summertime in france.

mmm, but yeah.

eastern europe still wins. i just love that place. i don't even know how to explain it. i just do.

for some inspiration, go here. you said it, gurll. word.
but seriously, that's exactly how i feel.
and i realize i've said that a trillion times already, but whatever. it's still lovely.

i love those kids with every piece of my soul.

and member how the one who gave me scars and scratches and bites and bruises

turned into one of my favorites? true story.

my little bobo.

i think this calls for a change in desktop picture on my laptop.

sure does.

image.

i've concluded that i'm going to have an identity crisis soon.

between america, france, romania, and ukraine.

(in that order)

not to mention whatever the future holds.

yep. identity crisis.

the tussle.

this right here is why my children will be learning languages from a young age. or at least one.

whether at home or through one of those immersion programs.

so happening.

and maybe i like the idea of languages not only as making you smarter,

but the fun of being part of that club for members that also know it.

and, it makes you smarter. let's be real.

speaking of languages. the fact that i'm probably dropping my french minor makes me feel like a quitter.

but if i can manage to pass the exams well enough to get a certificate, does that make it not so bad?

and maybe having extra time between when i come home and the one more comd semester isn't so bad.

because maybe i have new possible plans.

it all works out, you know.

get over your hill and see what you find there.

i have so much on my mind, and so much to process and think through. i don't know where to begin.
i don't care if anyone ever reads this, but i need to write to process everything. through writing, i find understanding and through writing, i find order in my thoughts. having something written down allows me to let go of it. to realize it for what it is, and then move forward. until it's written, the thoughts are a jumbled mess just waiting to be released. and typing aids this process with infinitely greater efficiency for the most jumbled of thoughts. fly freeeee, little thoughts. fly free. [this is a monster post. warning.]

i am firmly convinced that sometime, somewhere, this song was written for me so that i could hear it on friday evening. maybe that's a bit over the top, but to some extent, still true. every word describes my feelings at the moment and is like little pieces of inspiration for me that push me forward. i look up from my knees. get over (my) hill and see what (i) find there with grace in (my) heart. love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. get over your hill and see what you find there with grace in your heart.
on friday i had my first meltdown about ukraine. i freaked, to put it simply. i freaked out about the language. i freaked out about the darkness. i freaked out about the winters. i freaked out about everything and questioned my capabilities, questioning why on earth i ever would agree to this. and it's also safe to say that i've never learned so much about the nature of the devil than i have in the past two months. and the thing i've learned above all is that he knows our weaknesses and is not beneath using them to his advantage. read this. it's long, but i promise you won't be sorry you did. this is my problem. i'm susceptible to that self-doubt that makes me wonder concerning my capabilities--or the lack thereof. i let myself feel defeated, though i never really give up. just discouraged, which is almost as bad. while none of this is good, and i am openly making myself vulnerable by admitting my weaknesses, i think this is the most important step. you can't fight against something you don't recognize as a problem. see this quote. and that's just it. any bouts like this of freaking out typically only last an hour or so and then i'm done and i perk right back up again and find things to get excited about. but my goal for the next four months is to avoid any freaking out (as much as possible, anyway) and only maintain that excitement, eagerness, and zeal to serve.

and so, i look up. i get over my hill of discouragement concerning the extreme difficulty of the russian language when learning from a emt (english mother tongue) perspective. hello, i've already learned two languages. who's to say i can't learn another one--even if it does take more hard work and grace to learn a new alphabet and new system? exactly. i can do this. and i can rock it. i'm determined to do so.

i look up past the hill of discouragement masked as a long, hard winter of mostly darkness with rare appearances from the sun. i struggle with cold, and i struggle with darkness. my greatest fear aside from the feeling of free-fall, is darkness. i can't stand darkness, because i can't stand the unknown within that darkness--literal and figurative. i'm a girl of light, a sunflower always reaching towards light. again, both literal and figurative. i adore the sun, i adore big windows, i adore the happiness that comes with a sunny sky and warmth. however, that warmth can't be appreciated without the winter, and so it is.

it's sad really how easy it is to lose sight of all the good things as soon as one little question of doubt or fear enters your mind. easy, really. i've heard some slightly fear-worthy stories about ukraine this week, but i let them get to me. i let them scare me and lose sight of everything i already know. 

biggest thing to mention: there are so many tender mercies and blessings packed within this call. even before departing, there are so many things about my call that show me how divinely inspired mission calls are. how divinely inspired my mission call is. no, it's not what i expected and i never would have guessed ukraine in a million years. let alone russian-speaking. that being said, the more i learn about it, the more i realize how incredibly perfect it is for me. and yes, i'm going to list the reasons why. so i have it to look back on when i'm an idiot and freak out again.

why is eastern ukraine so perfect for me? let me tell you. donetsk is the city of roses. the ukrainian flag is plain color blocks of blue over yellow - blue for blue skies and yellow for golden fields of sunflowers (and grain). yes, the winters in ukraine are terribly cold, but my mission is in the warmest region of ukraine. tender mercy. ukraine is unbelievably close to romania. it's like being called to romania almost, but better. it's like a second mission to eastern europe - taking with me what i already have learned about eastern european culture, climate, and people from romania. while all these soviet satellite nations are different, they're kind of not. they're practically carbon copies of each other with differences in the details - such as the language. the superstitions, cultural traditions, and people seem to be almost alarmingly similar. so yes, ukraine could seem scary and terrifying, but i've already handled romania! it would be infinitely scarier if i didn't have that knowledge and understanding on my side. the things that were seemingly terrifying about romania turned out to be nothing big. and i've a prediction that ukraine is the same way. and really, in the humblest of ways, i have a thing for language and languages. it's my major after all, studying the acquisition of language. and while it would be nice to have more mastery with another language besides english, what i have with french and romanian is pretty dang good considering the circumstances through which they were learned and the amount of effort exerted to gain that knowledge. i had that mastery almost for awhile with french. and romanian came infinitely faster for me than it did for others considering the level of work put into it. so yes, this is me giving myself a pep talk. i can learn russian, and i can rock it as soon as possible because i care enough about it to do so.

during the mission paper process i learned something about myself. when i know what i need to do and i get excited about something, i put everything into it. all of me goes into reaching that goal, regardless of the repercussions. i just do. i get excited and i go at it because that's what i want. in romania, i made goals that were really important to me. some of the more temporal ones didn't matter and got looked over frequently, but one of my primary goals was to comprehend and use the language, yes. but also to love my kids individually. and so that's what i did. yes, it meant sometimes my workers thought i was crazy. yes, it meant doing my own thing to make sure i got to see each of them individually every single day, but that's what i wanted, so that's what i did. i loved going to the hospital and the experiences i had there, so i never didn't go. i took a day off the first week, because we knew we could and still get enough hours. but soon, i recognized the importance of going and how much i got out of it. and from there, i went. every day, i was there. i owned that place, and loved it. so that's what i'll do in this case too. i want it bad enough, that i'm going to work for it. it's going to be discouraging, it's going to be hard, but i have the power of mtc spirit on my side. the spirit, the gift of tongues, and a bunch of eager and excited other missionaries reaching towards the same goal. i'm going to be that missionary that picks it up and rocks it (and all the other missionaries secretly hate a little bit. but i'll be nice enough that they won't be able to hate me). and maybe it will take more work than i've exerted in the past, (oops. i don't work as hard necessarily to pick it up as others do.) but i'm going to do it. that will be me, and i'll learn russian. for a lot of people, i think the harder thing comes in combining that language-learning with the understanding of people, emotions, and the effect of culture on that people. that's half the battle at the beginning of a mission - coming to understand the culture and the people and why they are the way they are. yes, ukraine was more deeply engrained in the ussr and trapped than the more western romania, but it's still incredibly similar situations, and an incredibly similar effect left on the people, their personalities, and why they do the things they do and act the way they act. i understand them.

i haven't even told you the best part yet. on tuesday, the day before receiving my call, while freaking out in excitement and anticipation, i felt a surge of love course through me. especially as i tried to fall asleep at night, mind racing about the possibilities before me. in those moments, i felt a surge of love for an unknown people. somewhere on the other side of the world, i loved a people that i didn't know yet in a place i didn't know of. all i felt, was that love. it's only now that i know that those people on the other side of the world that i'm loving are in ukraine. and i do. i love them already.

have a little faith, my dear little one. those are the words i hear. have a little faith.
god is good, he knows me, he knows what i can do-especially with his help.
and he knows that i can and want to make a difference on his behalf.
none of this because i'm better than anyone else. all of this because i have faith, and i'm going to exercise that faith. i'm going to trust that while i don't understand everything and i can't see the full perspective, this is exactly where i need to go, this is exactly what i need to learn, and this is the experience i'm meant to have. it really is true about having faith as a grain of mustard seed. it only takes a little bit to be powerful and for it to grow exponentially. the unknown can't stay unknown for long.

so have a little faith, won't you please?

(and call your mom so she can tell you honestly that you're being stupid.)

mult spun că sunt perfect(ă)

sometimes i decide to run away from life in the middle of the day. and go to the temple instead. oops?
found it and found out.

sometimes i find old posts that are worth re-reading. especially when they include quotes that have come up about a kajillion times in the past week. dead serious. take note, world. things work out - they always do.

sometimes i listen to romanian music. just because i can. want some recommendations to fulfill your need for that romanian sound? i got your back. but don't watch any videos. they're most likely 99% sketch. just a guess from experience with kisstv while we were there. except this first one! it's cute.

this one is cute too. but all these others are sketch videos, with acceptable songs. here, here, and here are some good ones i enjoy as of late. or maybe just remind me of romania because that's what you'd hear on the streets and in stores, and thus i love them anyway. buna dimineata, te iubesc. ya bb fo life. sus sus sus!

sometimes sreven nevets and i exchange emails in romanian and french. i use my head. he uses google translator. same thing, right?

sometimes laurs and i gchat. and it's the funniest thing ever. indecisive much? our specialty. lurve her.

sometimes multiple people tell me about devotional today and how great it was and how much i would have liked it. dangit, work. one thing i don't like about you is this missing of cool things.

sometimes i zumba it up. probably the most hilarious thing in the world. or the most embarrassing. probably both.

sometimes i see a kajillion people i know while studying for an exam in the snack/no-shh zone of hbll. (the hbll. oops. did you catch that?) and it makes me look cooler than i actually am.

niciodată mai sigur în viața mea am fost.

member how i'm supposed to be studying anatomy of artic right now like a madwoman for my quiz tomorrow that i haven't started studying for? peace out, girl scout.

february the thirteenth.

52 cents to happiness: mint brownie. they're cheaper in the twilight zone. who knew?

i did something today. something that makes life exciting. lauren rose even bought me breakfast this morning to celebrate. and we'll probably spend the whole week celebrating too. who doesn't love an excuse to celebrate? that means my exciting announcement is coming to the cyberwebs within the week. maybe even within the night if i get too excited (which is likely). since when am i good at holding in excitement and exercising self control? oh, right. never.

c'est tout pentru acum.

did you catch that combination of two languages? oopsay. hahahahaa.

you should probably just go back to kindergarden.

this morning i woke up after sleeping for 9 hours, and then stayed in my bed for another hour.
i decided it would be a good idea to not get ready until 20 minutes before i had to go.
while i was laying in bed, i found this. and it made me miss a certain fata of mine.
i fishtailed my hair today.
and then i spent at least three extra minutes when i was already late looking for my keys.
don't worry, they were already in my backpack.
i almost threw up after going up rape hill and the benson stairs. (i was late. avoiding them wasn't an option. and today it seemed more brutal than usual.)
i don't know why my ears are ultra-sensitive this week. but walking past the construction beeps and loud sounds almost do me in every time. maybe that's part of the reason i almost threw up. probably.
i creeped on steven and walked 30 feet behind him from one building to another, only to realize we were going to classrooms across the hall from one another. creep.
i found identical mystery bruises on both of my arms, though one is worse than the other. what are they?
laur and i are both out of control this week. basically, we're five. glad we're in the same boat.
in class i learned that the book of mormon is a gem. and listened to the guys sitting behind me laugh loudly and frequently at my professor's funny self. productivity at its finest.
now i'm at work, pretending to be reading an article on a functional approach to language intervention. instead, i'm reading blogs, and discovering new ones, and wishing i was in europe still thanks to reading one written by a girl in germany.
i really liked this post. i feel like blogging is a complicated phenomenon. i've talked about it a lot with kenzer.
good thing i haven't really dressed to impress since day one of blogging. it's all for me. well, besides the romania one that was partially for family too. but let's be honest, it was mostly just for me.
this week has been awful. and will continue to be. not that i have a bad attitude, but mostly because of what's on the docket and left to be conquered. baby steps towards saturday. baby steps.
i decided this morning that i'm not making my exciting announcement to anyone else until it's more official.
i realized yesterday how much i've lost french. as in, i don't have it in me anymore. it's just. gone. am i finishing my minor? your guess is as good as mine.
i've been to mcdonalds twice this week so far. judge me. i'm judging myself. my body feels violated. but it was delicious at the time. i have an obsession with french fries. story of my life.
i found out yesterday that my friend from my major's parents-in-law live in the stake i grew up in. so last night we had a conversation figuring out all the people we both knew.
i crave the summer chicken salad and honey bacon club from zupas constantly. i kid you not. constantly.
every day this week has felt like 12 days. i have way too many factors that are hating on my life this week and making me stressed. most of which i have no control over. rude.
i have two people that i need to call back from yesterday. am i waiting till after 9pm so it doesn't take my minutes? do i choose to be a cheapskate on a peculiar mix of things? you know me too well.

so about that article. i should probably go back to reading it. thank heavens it's humpday in the week.
good ole wednesday.
on the plus side, at least january's finally over.
pa pa pa pa pa.

fruitless complexities.

"People are wrong in thinking that most children are not obliging, and don't like cluttering up their games with someone whom adults call an invalid. I assure you that for children there are no invalids. The bright boys hate the stupid ones, and the enterprising run from the cowards. It is as simple as that. Neither eyes nor legs have anything to do with it."

 . . .

"But can these sad blind point to a single individual anywhere who has not been dependent, even with his eyes, not waiting for someone else, nor subservient to better or stronger men or ones far away; not bound in one way or another to every living creature? Whatever the bond, be it hate, love, desire, power, weakness, or blindness - it is part of us, and love is the simplest way to cope with it."

 . . .

"Could it be that affection, or love, puts us so close to people that we are no longer able to evoke their image? Perhaps we never see those we love, never completely, just because we love them."

Jacques Lusseyran, And There Was Light

things i read when i decide they're more worth my time than sunday school.

La leçon qu’il faut retenir c’est que, si nous passons nos journées à attendre les roses, nous risquons de ne pas voir la beauté et la merveille que sont les minuscules myosotis qui nous entourent.

Cela ne veut pas dire que nous devons abandonner tout espoir ou revoir à la baisse nos objectifs. Ne cessez jamais de rechercher ce qu’il y a de meilleur en vous. Ne cessez jamais d’espérer la réalisation de toutes les aspirations légitimes de votre cœur. Mais ne fermez pas les yeux et le cœur aux beautés simples et élégantes des moments ordinaires de chaque jour qui constituent une vie riche et bien vécue.

Les personnes les plus heureuses que je connaisse ne sont pas celles qui trouvent leur billet d’or ; ce sont celles qui, tandis qu’elles s’efforcent d’atteindre des objectifs de valeur, découvrent et chérissent la beauté et la douceur des événements de tous les jours. Ce sont celles qui, jour après jour, fil après fil, tissent une tapisserie faite de gratitude et d’émerveillement tout au long de leur vie. Ce sont les personnes vraiment heureuses.

...

Mes sœurs, où que vous soyez, qu’elle que puisse être votre situation, vous n’êtes pas oubliées. Aussi sombres que puissent paraître vos journées, aussi insignifiantes que vous ayez le sentiment d’être, aussi éclipsées que vous pensiez être, votre Père céleste ne vous a pas oubliées. En réalité, il vous aime d’un amour infini.

Réfléchissez à ceci : L’être le plus majestueux, le plus puissant et le plus glorieux de l’univers vous connaît et se souvient de vous ! Vous êtes aimées par le Roi de l’espace infini et du temps éternel !

Celui qui a créé et connaît les étoiles vous connaît et sait votre nom : vous êtes les filles de son royaume. Le psalmiste a écrit :

« Quand je contemple les cieux, ouvrage de tes mains, la lune et les étoiles que tu as créées ;

Qu’est-ce que l’homme, pour que tu te souviennes de lui ?…

Tu l’as fait de peu inférieur à Dieu, et tu l’as couronné de gloire et de magnificence5. »

Dieu vous aime parce que vous êtes son enfant. Il vous aime même si vous vous sentez de temps en temps seule ou que vous faites des erreurs.

L’amour de Dieu et le pouvoir de l’Évangile rétabli ont un effet rédempteur et salvateur. Si seulement vous permettez que son amour divin ait une place dans votre vie, il peut soigner n’importe quelle plaie, guérir n’importe quelle blessure et adoucir tout chagrin.

Mes chères sœurs de la Société de Secours, vous êtes plus proches des cieux que vous ne le pensez. Vous êtes destinées à quelque chose qui dépasse votre imagination. Continuez de grandir en foi et en justice personnelle.

Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Ne m'oubliez pas

-   -   -   -   -   -   -   -   -   -   -   -   -

“Things will work out. Keep trying. Be believing. Don't get discouraged. Things will work out.” 

Gordon B. Hinckley

au revoir. à dieu?

i just dropped my french classes.

can i say that again?

I JUST DROPPED MY FRENCH CLASSES.

i've never been so happy and relieved and overjoyed in all my life.

this is just like that one time two point five years ago.

a little different. but hey, who's looking at the fine print?

good luck in that class. and in law school in the fall, amanda girl who sat next to me. you're going places.

yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

moms are the best.

maybe doubting continuously the french thing really does lead to wisdom?

dadadadada.

and we're having a mini romania reunion tomorrow night.

in all seriousness and legitimacy: best day ever.

what a difference a year makes: pa pa pa, 2011.

2011 was a year of enormous changes for me--but the very best kinds of changes.

let's take a little look, shall we?

january: i spent a lot of time pretending january wasn't as grim and grey and cold as it really always is. and successfully made it through with a lot of looking ahead towards the future and looking at the bright things in life. we celebrated sherry's birthday and i played rosa for the first time in a long time. i went running for the first time in ages, and actually kind of enjoyed it. (that phase didn't last very long. ha.)  oh, and the process of realizing how much i love my major had only just begun. i finished the month off with a definition of my future hubby. cheesy: check.

february: i realized how close romania was coming. and realized the adjustments that were necessary for that to happen, including a distancing from everything and everyone i know here in america. claira and i went to the temple every week throughout the semester and claira got engaged. my life was kind of solitary, and in a state of limbo and personal realizations. which also means that sometimes it was kind of lonely. i think i wrote in my journal the most consistently in this month than any other in my life (romania excluded). stevie and i started our weekly brunches.

march: the countdowns to romania became more intense. laurs and i saw jrad in concert. anatomy took over my life. william burnett came home. steve and i made green eggs and ham - a more memorable brunch of ours. aha. i became very ready to escape the country. stevie won best brother ever award for celebrating good grades with me with oreo shakes. and after a lot of solitude and mostly just spending time with myself or my roommates, i became enormously, more than before, comfortable with myself. i found a lot of scripture chains because i stopped paying much attention in sunday school or relief society on certain weeks. (i had issues with the teachers. sorry. true.)

april: laurs got engaged! and i relived our entire friendship/sisterhood up to that point. i survived anatomy (miracle). the bonding of my romania group began. doug&sherry graduated. i went wedding dress shopping with laur and her family and watched her find the dress of her dreams. and in the process i learned a lesson about how much i love her family and how much they are a part of me. general conference = win. i decided what i want my future home to be like. i started to get scared about going to romania. the 2-week french chaos began.

may: i met the kenzer. i finished an entire french class in 2 weeks, and was practically fluent by the end of it, then i went to romania, so much for the french. said my goodbyes to america. i met romania, and fell in love. i met my babies, and fell even more in love. i decided i could stay in europe forever, though other times questioned my sanity. oh, and i turned 20 on the other side of the world.

june: i legitimately fell in love with each one of my kids. i adored going to the hospital. saw voltaj at the cultural palace. had many adventures exploring iasi. and the mid-semester retreat at the end of the month came right when i needed a break from section 2, the politics, and everything. i went on a romanian train for the first time, and visited brasov and bucuresti. did you know romania is amazingly beautiful? oh, and saw the symphony in buc. as well as went to the romanian version of l'arc de triomphe.

july: realized our days in romania were numbered - but remained in denial anyway. went to venice for a branch picnic, romanian style--which means we went to a lake they gave the name venice (venitia). celebrated the 4th of july in romania, the romanians loved it. learned to make romanian food. (sarmale, mamaliga, etc.) andrada taught us how to make tort cu visine.  oh, and suc de portocale rosii? divine. mostly, just a continuation of the romanian dream and denial that i ever would have to leave my babes behind. heart broke when i found out one of them was near death.

august: visited romanian monasteries while having the worst headache/weird sickness of my life. said goodbye to the branch, during which the onslaught of aforementioned headache came at the worst possible moments. said a final goodbye to teo and mario. said goodbye to iasi. said goodbye to my home away from home and was extremely conflicted about where to call home. life in america felt surreal and so foreign compared to romania. romania came so naturally. said hello to family and friends. watched best friend have her happily ever after wedding: happiest day ever+complete perfection+pure love. visited the mountains during sunflower season. eventually came to like america again, though it is still debatable. missed my babes and the romanian routine like it was my day job.

september: started a new semester. started working for catering, quit wait staff and moved just to special events because i hated it. struggled with french - hoped it would ease up by the end of the semester, but it never really ended. felt in transition/limbo. like i didn't really fit in any particular place. didn't know french, didn't know english, didn't know romanian anymore. met new roommate lauren: love her. tried to re-instate our sibling dates. failed. worked football games. found out my boy didn't die, but was alive and well. miss romania, as usual.  reunited with my freshman roomies/neighbors.

october: started to feel more normal again. and finally found tranquility, peace, and happiness. watched grandma speak at the payson temple groundbreaking. revisiting east canyon with laurs during general conference weekend. worked more football games. laursy came to visit p-town, tried and fell in love with her first jdawg. got discouraged about french, thinking maybe it really was going to be hard for the rest of always. fell deep in my major and actually made friends within. carved a pumpkin for almost the first time.

november: lauren rose and i bonded some more--best roommate ever. we understand each other. realized i had kind of moved on from romania, though it still and will always hold a large part of my heart. but, i moved on. we all did. we had to. looked back at romania with fondness and understanding, rather than just heartache. fell in love with my family, as usual. these are my people. finished with catering forever, surprisingly bittersweet. had a whole bunch of 'best days ever.' said goodbye to hermana mckay. rekindled my love for ygm (aced every online quiz steve threw at me). took a spontaneous trip to salt lake just to see my soul sister. got a big-girl job.

december: started new job. survived and aced finals. hated construction outside my door. reunited with freshman friends again. twinkle lights in the bedroom. learned to knit. realized i wore a dress or skirt almost every day of the semester. (literally.) worked a lot. got an email filled with romania that made me cry. started to finally cope/be allies with french again. (we're not friends yet. just allies.) papa became a high priest. christmas spirit. la la gave me a christmas gift i'll never forget: a perfect (double) description of where my heart resides. tianne's wedding. steve got engaged! thus filling the nevers sister-in-law circle.

i must admit, 2011 was quite good to me.

here's to 2012!

it probably won't compare. but hey, you never know what the future has up its sleeve.

:)

a few suggestions.

how best to survive finals week:

- don't get enough sleep, but make sure it doesn't catch up with you until the week is almost over. check.
- study for your french civ class with someone who enjoys/understands politics seeing as you prefer the artistic side of history. it really does help and make all the difference when you combine your strengths and weaknesses. check.
- finally meet a bloggy friend in person! and try not to be awkward. too late. i'm always awkward. and i was focused on an exam. triple awkward. oops. also, note to self: don't have hair down during an exam--especially one that involves writing. good things never happen. in other news, you are adorable, emily. (and congrats on your mission call!!) check checkity check.
- reconcile your differences with french, and agree that maybe it isn't so bad all the time. mostly, be grateful that it really is finally starting to feel natural again. good thing the semester's over. ha. not. check, nonetheless. [more later? yep. as usual.]
- spend the entire week avoiding cyberspace/people in general. mostly to avoid the people who are done with finals. it kind of makes me jealous. but mostly just made me irritated because everyone thinks they're so cool. hence, avoidance. check.
-  be grateful for grandparents that are so nice to you and do great things like return alice to mint condition. she was having some engine troubles, but all is well once more. check.
- play the 'how many finals do people have left?/what will they be like' game with lauren rose. people are so readable during finals week. we're pros and were so spot on. the wilk is best, right during lunchtime on the middle day of finals week when some people are finishing, and others have a ways to go. maybe you should, between the two of you, eat a brownie, rice crispy treat, part of a calzone, breadsticks, some mozzarella sticks, and a fruit tart for lauren. it's fine. it's finals. we do what we want. (always. like finals is any different.) check. [i hope take-home-test-bagel boy did well and figured things out.]
- an offer of free food is always an adequate excuse to put off studying. check again.
-  the night before your last final/all day work shift, spend an hour and a half on the phone with your daddio. check.
- gchat with stevie. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
- for lunchbreak from work, go home and make waffles, just because you can. check.
- while at work, receive texts from chipmunk la la. she's hilarious. check.
- spend all day getting paid to study while at work when things are slow. check.
- become an ace at your job. check.
- go home to delectable brownies made by roommate lauren rose. check. she da best.
- memorize diacritics like a whiz as the last thing, and ace your final test of fall 2011. check.
- you know how whenever you come out of the testing center, it feels like you should call or text someone because it's like you've been there forever, and just cause - especially when it marks the very end? well, try not to be too sad when you realize at that moment that you don't really have anyone to call. and when you do call someone, they're distracted. better luck next time, folks. check.

notice all the checks? that means i'm done. it also means i don't even know what to do. and cyber world isn't that appealing anyway. check.
best part? my to do list is officially completely all crossed out except for one small grouping: my list of things to talk to laurs about when i fiiiinaaaallllyyyyy get to see her again. (tomorrow!) yes, laur. i really did start writing things down. the list was getting too big! too big list = it's been wayyy too long. not ok.

time to go waste my brain cells by watching vampire diaries. or reading a book. or ygm! i haven't seen it in so long.
or calling rossles back. yep. we'll start with that. someone in this world loves me.

check.

for a day in which all i want to do is give up (before 9:30am)

(and detest all things french.
except the bakeries.)

“A tulip doesn’t strive to impress anyone. It doesn’t struggle to be different than a rose. It doesn’t have to. It is different. And there’s room in the garden for every flower. You didn’t have to struggle to make your face different than anyone else’s on earth. It just is. You are unique because you were created that way. Look at little children in kindergarten. They’re all different without trying to be. As long as they’re unselfconsciously being themselves, they can’t help but shine. It’s only later, when children are taught to compete, to strive to be better than others, that their natural light becomes distorted.”
Marianne Williamson

(i'm just a different flower. that's all.
i used to think i was a french flower.
now, i'm not so sure.
somewhere else in europe i think is more accurate.
i just haven't discovered where yet.
[subliminal messages.]
stay posted.)

(m)es enfants oubliés

pendant cette saison de noël (et plusieurs autres fêtes aussi),

plus souvent des fêtes des familles,

je pense à vous, mes bébés roumains.

toujours.
vous ne traînez pas dans les roues,
néanmoins, c'est similaire.

[în fiecare clipa, copiii mei. fiecare. pentru totdeauna.]

song translation here.

confessions.

. i walk outside my apartment and don't know how to get to campus. it's awkward. mostly for the people that get to watch me try and figure out if we're allowed through one side or not. or do we have to go all the way around? tonight was all the way around. member how i love construction?
. i sent 4 texts to laurs this morning before 9am. all of which were completely without any important content, all of which went un-replied to. should i take that as a sign? baha.
. there's a piece of cheesecake from one of my visiting teachers that has been sitting on my counter. and has mysteriously been disappearing, just a little a time. and i haven't been eating it. humorous? always.
. madame thompson will always intimidate/kind of scare me.
. o holy night (my favorite christmas song, perhaps.) is more beautiful in its language of origin: french. minuit chrétiens. more on this later, perhaps. i might have cried while reading the words while someone sang it today. it's fine.
. the amount of enjoyment roommate lauren and i get out of our twinkle lights in our bedroom? would be embarrassing if we were to get embarrassed by such a thing. are we? heck no.
. i feel super official working in an office and having access privileges and all that. confession. nerd alert. just like you hear people talking about. and now i'm part of one. i like it. a lot. obviously.
. sometimes, by the time i spend 30 minutes walking home from work in the dark, aka from the other side of the world back home, after long days (every day), the only energy i have left for dinner is to eat chocolate covered strawberries and part of a brownie from my visiting teaching companion. maybe i'll make something else later.
. have you ever had scrambled eggs with parmesan cheese? oh, hello. only the most delicious thing in the world!
. since i don't get off work/back home again until after dark, it makes it feel like the day is over by the time i get home. so i have a hard time mustering up motivation to do anything productive once i get home. i eat, do nothing productive, and go to bed. i need to fix this.
. i have been abnormally outrageously tired this week. multiple factors? yes.
. i might possibly fail my finals. also fine. oh wait. or maybe i should just spend ALL DAY LONG in the library on saturday, the day off work? oh, right. probably that one.you know: long partner paper in french, exams looming, readings, presentations. don't you just love school pre-finals? oh wait. actually, lies. i really like classes right now because everything is finishing up and you have been around your professors long enough that the just seem nice as can be. usually. today i decided one of my professors just seems like a friendly within-ward father-figure type guy - you know the ones? the super nice ones? yeah. i like it.
. i got an email from rossles today that almost made me cry. we miss our babes. a tangible kind of missing pain.
. i really do appreciate those that gave me opinions on these photos. i really do appreciate it. cause i really do have decision-making issues. and if you haven't, well--go do it, little ones!
. i, like everyone else on campus, have come to the two important conclusions: 1. i'm sooooo ready for this semester to be over. 2. the construction can end and go die. asap.

aren't you glad you made it through reading all that?
don't answer that. i need a life. but, oh wait. i don't have time for one. oops.
and i thought i was busy before.
fail, emily. you thought wrong. good joke, life.
i'mma gonna make myself some scrambled eggs.
homework? perhaps. (not likely.)
and go to bed.
yes it's 7:30 right now. embrace it.