binding.

dear hublet of the future,

(do people even still write letters like this anymore?

it used to be all the rage to write dearfuturehublet letters.

because there's something endearing and sweet in that, right?

no? just me? i'm probably behind the times.

oh. right. seeing as i'm one of the few remaining in my peer group--

not yet married or about-to-be-married.

got it. moving on.)

- - - - - - -

i have this thought about one little thing in relation to our wedding day.
(aside from the sunflowers, lace dress, and classy suit on you, obviously.)

i want us to have a ring ceremony.

because i want any and everyone to be able to celebrate with us.
to partake of light and love and joy.
we'll be sealed in the temple, of course.
and i'm not undermining the importance of that.
but i'd like to have a civil ceremony as well.

because isn't that the point of weddings--
the way people are brought together in love and unity?
the way i see it, love and unity means everyone should get to be a part.

ergo, i want us to have some kind of a ceremony outside of the temple as well.
and then we'll get on with our charming garden party.
somehow, in some way.

just a little thing.

see you later, see you never.
love you byyeeeeee.

ems.

my, my love.

дорогому будущему муженьку своему,

(which is to say: to my dear future hubby)

first of all. yes, there really is a word in russian for hubby. муженёк.

though to be honest, i almost prefer just plain муж.

because it's fun to say. that one little syllable. that zh-sound.

despite the fact that i'm not really huge on the letter Z.

yes, i have certain letters i like more than others. weird? probably.

(G is another one i don't like much. not important.)

now that that's cleared up.

i know it's been awhile since a letter like this. the dearfuturehubby kind, you know?

so it goes.

and also, this is how i write letters these days--the short-lined thing.

just roll with it. and so, here we go.

a couple of months ago i went to a fireside.

i didn't want to go initially based off of the way it kept being announced.

(i'm stubborn and snarky like that. sorrynotsorry?)

but because of that, i decided i should probably go.

for the very reason that i didn't want to.

you see, sometimes i forget.

sometimes i get distracted by all these other endeavors and things that consume my existence.

but that fireside.

that fireside reminded me how badly i really do want this: to build a home.

a home like this, my love.

and i feel silly saying these things.

but there are some things that words just don't quite express in the right light.

because sometimes words sound superficial and silly and trite and overused.

and even if it does make me feel like i sound like a silly and superficial little girl:

i really do want this.

not for the reasons i maybe once did.

rather, for these reasons.

there's this song that gets stuck in my head sometimes.

by joshua radin. my, my love.

you know why it gets stuck in my head?

i heard this song inside me. to wait, i was told.

my love, i've been without you too long.

my, my love. i've been running too fast to belong to anyone.

but then you came along.

you warm me like sunshine. you cool me like summer rain.

just let me sit down beside you over and over again.

my, my love.

the thing about this letter, hubbidydee. is this.

while. of course. close is very relative.

you are close. closer than you've ever been.

i don't know who you are at this point.

i only really know who you're not.

and something about that bothers me a little bit--feels selfish and closed-minded to no end.

but i just. do. 

i know.

i wrote something during this week about you and all you manlings.

i can't share it here, because that it contains people.

privacy, you see.

but for me this past couple of weeks has been enlightening.

and so.

i don't know when or how, or who you really are.

i just know the feeling that will be carried with what will be.

warm like sunshine, cool like summer rain.

that it's all falling together.

what i'm trying to say is, i don't really have anything to say.

maybe that's just it, though.

just that i want you,

even if i don't know when you'll be.

a real desire.

and.

love.

i do love you.

and i always will.

любовью.

Э

the doctrine of marriage, the way i see.

   in regards to the mysteries of the universe, i had some puzzle pieces click together this week--some new keys to unlocking new doors. and for whyever it may be, i feel an obligation of sorts to write about it--an obligation to myself, but also to god. so that i may remember that which i now understand, though before i didn't quite. and i do with a full disclaimer of acknowledgment that i myself am unmarried and therefore my perspective is without personal experience, though influenced by vicarious observation.

you will find that as you

write down precious impressions,

often more will come.

richard g. scott.

   last october (i can't even begin to talk about the fact that this was almost an entire year ago) we had this zone conference in which president lochhead did a teaching demonstration about the plan of salvation. during this, he compared our own creation to the creation of the world: something unorganized being made to become something beautiful and glorious. but salvation is meant to be a family affair, family making up the central unit of eternity. therefore, in order to help us attain that salvation, we are given a companion and help meet and are then called upon to organize ourselves. and this is what president discussed: this pattern of families--each individual striving together within an organized unit to help one another become and ultimately attain eternal life--this is where we find eternal joy. the very origin of that joy and of any family unit is with the couple itself, bound together and sealed in covenant to one another and to god. and in the end, exaltation is not an individual affair, but rather something we attain as couples through marriage. so from creation on through, president discussed the plan and expressed deep love and appreciation for his own companion through eternity. and let me just tell you, by the end even those who had hardly considered marriage before at all as something to look and strive towards were ready as can be to find that for themselves--to find their own eternal joy.
   the thing about the doctrine of marriage is that it's not quite so much about love as we may think, at least not in the way we think. the family and marriage between a man and woman is ordained of god. which is to say, was set up and established by an omnipotent and omniscient supreme creator of the universe as well as each and every one of us, for he is the father of our spirits. marriage is about choice: choosing to commit eternally to god and another individual of the opposite sex in striving towards becoming more like god. "neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man" (1 corinthians 11:11-12). it takes two.

   now the question is this--what about love? where does it fit? well, the answer is everywhere because love is in everything. we don't get married just because we love someone, but rather a holy and sacred kind of love stems from building a relationship founded upon this desire to become more like god, a desire to create eternity together. because eternity is built through the combined forces of one relationship with god and another's relationship with god--two people in their efforts to know and fulfill the will of god in order to ultimately become more like him. because that's why we're here on earth in the first place--not to pass through life, but to allow life to pass through us. in order that we may become.
   so what's my point? my point is: it's about becoming. and i would dare to say that becoming is an impossible task without other people with whom we can interact and learn from. well. what does that have to do with marriage specifically? well. i think there's something to be said for committing yourself to someone with complete trust and fidelity even, or perhaps more especially, on days when you can't stand them, even though you do love them. i think there's a reason god established and defined marriage as the unifying of man and woman under covenant. because there are some ways you can only grow if in harmony with someone else. in the eternities, it is not intended for any to be alone. through this mortal experience we learn what it means to find wholeness--and that we're never truly completely whole without a unity of self with a spouse. apparently elder russell m. nelson said a word or two on this topic at byu's commencement last week, though i was informed only after my own questioning and enlarged understanding of this doctrine of marriage. how timely.

"male and female are created for what they can do and become together."

russell m. nelson

   our own growth and becoming hinges upon a need for working together with someone else in the construction of self and eternity. and. i think that's purposeful. because there's a special kind of strength required and fostered by the complete trust and vulnerability with someone and in being forced to rely on someone else. because we were never meant to pass alone into eternal life.
   so back to love. what about love? isn't that what everyone wants? isn't that what everyone says? if two people love one another they should be allowed to be married. if god really loves us, he would allow that. well. that's just the point. it's because god does love us that he has defined the pattern through which we may find the greatest ultimate joy and fulfillment: the gospel of jesus christ and the plan of salvation. and a pivotally important part of that is the need for marriage between a man and woman. not simply a marriage, but a sealing that binds those ties on earth and in heaven. because that's why we're here: so that we may make it back home to that god who gave us life. connected forever to our beloved kindred, living and dead. everyone has a deserving right to be connected in eternity, no man, woman, or child an island. and every child deserves a family. a functional, loving, becoming, eternal family. the balance of a mother and father.

   now. this is the thing. i'm not the slightest bit naive. i realize that the attainment of all this and having it all work out seems highly idealistic. i realize that more often than not, reality is a far cry from two people striving in unity to become all they are capable of becoming with an eye single to the glory of god at all times. i realize that life looks rarely like the sunshiney, smiley embraces of families that perfectly love one another and never lose patience. i'd say those are more frequently just rare moments of shining jewels amidst what is probably too much selfishness, teasing, fighting, anger, offense, sadness, or betrayal. i'm not a complete fool. i realize shiny, happy, typical nuclear families are rarer and rarer, and i myself come from a family that fits not into the nuclear, but into the larger world majority of dysfunctionality and brokenness. all this to say nothing of how furious the injustice of all the children suffering in abandonment around the world makes me. for all the children i loved personally in romania, and even those i didn't know as well, i could scream in tirades for hours in their defense, absolutely furious with the seeming hopelessness and injustice of their existence on this earth from the very day most of them are born.
   what i'm saying is, i get it. i understand wondering if it really is possible. i understand feeling like sometimes life and this world has gone to hell in a hand-basket. more than all that, i understand feeling like this doctrine of marriage is extremely restricting and intolerant. just because i believe that this is what marriage ought to look like, who am i to restrict someone else from what they may see as their right? and that's what this week i finally found an answer for. because it's not about beliefs at all--my beliefs, your beliefs, or the beliefs of the neighbor living around the corner. it's about doctrine. which is an eternal truth that does not change and cannot be changed. it's about truth. and truth stands completely independent of any individual, organization, church, or nation. truth is truth--things as they really are.
   marriage. the doctrine of marriage. it's about becoming more like god. together. and to become like him, we build a family. we build a home with someone we love because we need each other. so marriage. it's really about finding someone you trust enough to be the co-creator of your own little family. so that by this means we may learn, grow, and become even more like god. because that process is life's purpose. a purpose that gives life not only fulfillment, but also an eternal kind of joy.
   and that? now that is something i can get behind.
 

also. for those interested. several other related articles that i find helpful:

the divine institution of marriage.

why we do some of the things we do. (about 2/3 of the way in.)

the cost--and blessings--of discipleship. (because god is comforting, not necessarily comfortable.)

glowing marigolden hues.

sometimes your youngest ten-year-old cousin is taller than you.

or at least the same height.

normal. over it.

shortlifeprobs.

stopping in and watching the darling bates family sit around a table and talk and laugh together?

iwantmyfuturefamilytobejustlikethatsomeday.

that foreshadowing love.

some raw moments. concerning love.

the day before i received my mission call as i was attempting to fall asleep, i had a moment. an experience. a surging of love course through my veins for a people somewhere out there on the other side of the world. because i always knew that my call would take me to the other side of the globe. somehow, i just knew. and on that day, i felt an overwhelming love for ukrainians and americans and all those related to my mission. a love for people i had not yet met, but soon would. a love like this.

on one summer day when i was in ukraine, and then a few evenings ago while walking home from swinging, and then again tonight, i had a similar something. that surging of love for people i have not yet met. a surging of love. for my future. a surging of love and deep gratitude for my муж. future husband.  for who he is. for what he means. for what he will be to me. for what he will understand. for who he will be in my family. but also for his family and their love and goodness. and for the growth we'll experience together. for the family we'll create. the life we'll build. together.

while studying for the gre today, i learned a new word.
concrescence - the growing together of parts originally separate.
and i think. that's what love is.
growing. together.

foreshadowing love.
a feeling in my bones.

we've been feeling restless lately.

they say that home is where the heart is. i guess i haven't found my home.
and we keep driving round in circles, afraid to call this place our own.
they say you're really not somebody, until somebody else loves you.
well, i am waiting to make somebody somebody soon.

are we there yet?
(ingrid michaelson)

it's about that time again.

dear future hubby,

(and you thought these letters had ceased. good one.)

i'm not sure what to say to you today. maybe just a few little things.
maybe centered on a song.
yes. that. let's just talk about a song.
i first heard this song soon after arriving home from ukraine.
(because. it didn't exist prior to july 18, 2012. i would have known. #lovemesomemumford)
on pandora. as i was going to sleep.
и. я поразилась.
how do you say that in english--i was struck by it? it struck me?
it was striking. because it seemed so perfect.
perfect for describing the state i was in. the me after my mission.
perfect for a hope of the someday i'll find in you.

you saw my pain washed out in the rain.

broken glass, saw the blood run from my veins.

but you saw no fault, no cracks in my heart.

and you knelt beside my hope torn apart.

but the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view.

we'll live a long life.

so give me hope in the darkness, that i will see the light.

cause oh that gave me such a fright.

but i will hold as long as you like,

just promise me we'll be alright.

so lead me back, turn south from that place.

and close my eyes to my recent disgrace.

cause you know my call

and we'll share my all.

and our children come and they will hear me roar.

so give me hope in the darkness that i will see the light.

cause oh that gave me such a fright.

but i will hold as long as you like,

just promise me we'll be alright.

but hold me still.

bury my heart on the coals.

hold me still.

bury my heart next to yours.

so give me hope in the darkness,

that i will see the light.

cause oh that gave me such a fright.

but i will hold on with all of my might,

just promise me we'll be alright.

the ghosts that we knew made us black and all blue,

but we'll live a long life.

and the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view

and we'll live a long life.

ghosts that we knew, mumford and sons

i can't say more. because the words themselves say it. cause the thing is. i've seen my share of ghosts. and maybe i have more demons than the average human, especially around these parts. but. i think. maybe. you'll understand that. not in an i'm-so-selfish-and-needy way. just in a. this-is-who-i-am way. and you'll understand. and ultimately, all those ghosts will flicker. we'll live a long life. give me hope in the darkness that i will see the light. you know my call.
sometimes i read some of these older letters to you, and my former self of the past a little bit makes me want to gag. please say i've changed from that time. i have.
but. the principles are still true. simplicity. love. light. balance.
our life is not so far away now. i mean, maybe that's a silly assumption.
but. just a suggestion from the universe.
and. you know what? i'm ready.
ready for a new life.

words with and by the means of love,
эмили [eh-me-lee]

ps. i think i will call you муж [muzh]. because i just love the way it sounds. договорились.

a&a

dear future hubby,

someday we're going to have a son. a son named albert.
we'll call him albie for short. (never under any circumstances will he be called al.)

someday we'll also have a daughter. a daughter named addie.
just addie. plain and simple and beautiful.

albie and addie.

i'd be perfectly okay with it if they were twins. how cute would that be??

why do i love these names? i just don't know. but i really adore them.
and maybe i just like the way both names look when hand-written.
i hope you do too. because i'm more than serious.

and okay, so we'll get over the fact that my associations with these names are kind of strange.
albert ingalls, from little house on the prairie, and addie, the mother, from as i lay dying.
details, really.
but how can you resist the thought of an albie and addie? among other little babes. i sure can't.

and maybe i wouldn't mind if he looked like thick and wavy-haired albert ingalls either.

like, really. who could resist that? adorable.

okay, here's the part where you make fun of me.

but seriously. to all of the above. this is serious business.

thanks in advance for understanding my need for a little boy named albert and little girl named addie.

lots of love,

emmie. [and the future albert and addie.]

the tussle.

this right here is why my children will be learning languages from a young age. or at least one.

whether at home or through one of those immersion programs.

so happening.

and maybe i like the idea of languages not only as making you smarter,

but the fun of being part of that club for members that also know it.

and, it makes you smarter. let's be real.

speaking of languages. the fact that i'm probably dropping my french minor makes me feel like a quitter.

but if i can manage to pass the exams well enough to get a certificate, does that make it not so bad?

and maybe having extra time between when i come home and the one more comd semester isn't so bad.

because maybe i have new possible plans.

it all works out, you know.

to find where the flowers grow.

dear future hubster,
it's been awhile, you know. i know. my mind has been other places. you understand, don't you? i know you do. i think that's one of your best traits. understanding that sometimes, there is one thing that comes above each other: our service to god and his own timeline for us. that and the fact that you understand me.
but i've been thinking of you a lot today for many reasons. mostly because my roommates and the social scene of my ward is very much a 'let's date and get married' stage of life (for the most part). give or take a few. and while there are so many nice gentleman, none of them really do much for me. it's just not even on my radar to even think about dating, let alone marriage. which is so opposite so many people around me. it's kind of strange. but right, at the same time. i know it's just not time yet. the time will come, you know. when you'll waltz on into my life. and i'll say, 'would you like to waltz forever?' and you'll politely, but emphatically, agree. what a great start to forever, huh? it's just not time, and we both know it. we have other things to do first. just a few before we join forces. we'll do incredible things together, you and i. change the world, hand in hand.
we'll bring together only the best traits from our respective families. my mom will think you're an a+ all-american, kind and tender fellow. my dad will love you, but secretly hate you for taking his little girl - which you'll respectfully understand. my brothers might think you're a little quirky, but they'll love to chat with you, and maybe give you a hard time (a given). and my sisters in law will just plain think you're a great guy, and a great completion to the sibling set.
sometimes we'll just sit side by side, hand in hand, in silence. because sometimes, i think there's quite a lot of power in the beauty of being linked at the hand. simply knowing that there's someone there with you. as well as the fact that sometimes words aren't needed. the sound of silence. being able to be silent with someone and understand? that is a true test of a bond. we'll have that, even if we have to grow into it. there's nothing i love more than saturated silence.
sidenote, i should probably mention that our wedding is going to be simple. not quite eloping, but close. we'll save our money. and do something small with only people there that we actually know and care about and care about us. deal? photos, flowers, white dress, suit, spring/summertime? friendly garden party sort of event?
well, that's all for now i think. i can't wait to hear about what you're doing in this moment someday. we'll look back and compare our timelines before they intertwined. example, i'll say summer 2011. and i'll tell you about how that summer means so much to me, and that was a summer that changed my life. i'll show you pictures, and you'll just smile sweetly when i shed a few tears as i tell you my stories and let you read my accounts. and then we'll switch and you'll tell me about that summer for you. and you'll tell me about the life-changing, heart-tenderizing experiences of your own. and that is how we'll come to understand. we know what love is. we know what charity is. infinite and eternal. and we'll play the question game. you'll tell me what you think. your favorite things. your favorite experiences. your hardest experiences. your happiest experiences. and we're pulling out the baby pictures. it's happening. i sure hope you're making and recording good memories. (because if it's not written down yet, you know i'll make you someday. or i'll help you put it in written words.)
here's to the memories that are building the bridge that brings you to me and me to you.

love, emily janette [  your family name here   ]

ps. let's always be classy and go to the symphony? yes? done. and if they are ever playing beethoven's fifth or seventh, we are so there it's ridiculous. though i might cry a little bit (i will). but it's no big deal. you know how it goes.
pps. please be willing to make fun of byu with me and the crazy people here? please?
ppps. spiders and other crawling things: always you. i will scream, you will make fun of me, and i will run away in complete terror while you dispose of it.

watch for the day of gladness

hearing this on a relaxing and pensive saturday morning?

it's just perfect.

i love how sweet his rendition of this song is.

thanks for sharing, whit.

this morning i woke up with thoughts of someday (in the very distant future, mind you). a someday when i spend evenings cuddling a little babe of my own. rocking them sweetly to sleep, and waking up to their cute faces. the background on my computer is a face like that. one of my angel babes in romania. (she was fostered while we were there!) and seeing her bright and happy face just encouraged the whole thought process. relaxing bedtimes and good mornings at home with my own family. future hubby and the kidlets every night and morning. and all day long. can anything beat that? i would daresay: probably not.

don't worry. someday won't be until quite a few years from now.

but i'm excited for it, nonetheless.

shiiiine!

dear future hubby,
we will be the owners of that one house around this time of year. you know the kind. the one that almost explodes it's so bright with lights. and i'm with you: no too-obnoxious flashing lights. we wouldn't want to be the house that looks like it's suffering from a seizure. we'll laugh at those. at our own home, we'll just have an eruption of brightness, especially as the lights glow against the snow. and on the inside: warm light, spiced scents, and holiday music. plus joy, duh.
with me? good. can't wait.
ems.

p.s. every night of the christmas season, we'll dedicate time to turn all the lights out except for the twinkling ones on the tree and other christmas lights. and then as a family we'll lay there and stare with soothing carols in the background. family cuddle time. and let's be real. no one can resist staring at those lights. especially the outline of them on the ceiling or walls. captivating. therefore, this is a requirement of the christmas season. you understand.

holy moley, me-oh-my. you're the apple of my eye.

i can't stop listening to this. a little indie, a little hippie, a little love. (sometimes i hear a banjo in the background. banjos make everything better, huh dougy?) from the whistling to the words? prime. any song that begins with whistling followed by, "alabama, arkansas, i do love my ma and pa," as well as the phrase, "holy moley," is bound to be a good one. and this is. you're gonna like what you hear. i guarantee it.

(speaking of excellent songs that begin with whistling, try this one on for size. i adore it. [thanks, claira gale wilson.] it's even better when listened to on a train while riding through romanian sunflower fields at sunset, but it's like whatever. being normal and sitting in your bedroom anywhere in the world is fine too.)

"we'll laugh until we think we'll die.

barefoot on a summer night,

nothing new is sweeter than with you.

...

home. let me come home.

home is wherever i'm with you."

such an interesting concept, home. isn't it?

home is an idea, not a place.

this is what love is. finding home.

work and love.

my dear future hubster,

our children will learn two things, above all.

they will learn to love, and they will learn to work.

(we will be teaching them. we will start young.)

i think from that knowledge, all else falls into place.

they'll learn how to clean, and though they'll bicker (as all siblings do),

they'll love one another and defend one another to the death.

and from this they will learn their important role on earth.

from the cleaning and working, they'll learn character.

as well as what it means to have a good worth ethic.

when work and love are combined? this is charity.

"when you love what you do, you'll never work a day in your life."

rumor is my grandpa said that. so they'll learn to love work.

and even if they don't, they'll love the character it gives.

(even if full/any appreciation doesn't come until they move out

and meet/live with people who were never taught such things.)

and so, hubster, our goal is this:

be classy, work hard, love always.

mon amour à jamais, ems.

note to (future) self:

when husband hunting,

expect class.

a true gentleman.

don't just be pleasantly surprised on the occasions in which he can muster up a classy moment.

it should be ever-present.

anything less should not be tolerated.

this is the final test of a gentleman:

his respect for those who can be of no possible service to him.

william lyon phelps

they can't take what's ours.

sometimes i spend all morning watching modern family. member how steve got me obsessed? ahh dang.

sometimes soul sister and me spend our time together eating yummy food, laughing, and being boring. and the thing is, i think it's the little boring moments like those that end up meaning the most and being the fondest memories. like laughing together watching modern family. her getting to meet lauren for more than 2 seconds this time and getting to know eric too. talking about eeeeeeverything. me planning part of her life for her (it will be perfect, obviously). and the fact that we struggle with decision making. unless it's something we both love. then we go for it. like jdawgs. and brownies. member how we 'fight' over whose turn it is to have to make the decision of what we're doing next? hahahahahaha. fight is obviously a very hilarious term in this instance, because it's not really a fight. more like a hilarious emotional breakdown with the inability to make decisions. my favorite part of the whole night: when she said, "whateverrrr! it doesn't matter what we do. it's not like we're the same person or anything..oh wait." haha. i love my laursy. :) i apologize to the rest of the world that she's not your sista too. (except melissa and marina. obviously you two don't count because--oh wait. you are her sisters! ahaha. i so funny.)

sometimes lauren and i understand each other/our opinions way too well. we like it.

sometimes papa bear calls and makes me crave holding some baby flesh. dangitttttttt!

sometimes while blog creeping, i start to miss ms.jenny. i need to write her. there's a certain blog we like to creep on/cry with/love. and suddenly i can't text her and tell her about something ridiculous that i teared up reading/listening to. because she totally understands that kind of thing. dang. good thing she is happier than ever in the mtc right now. she's rockin it.

sometimes work isn't seemingly long at all. and there is an absolutely and completely STUNNING sunset. i wish i could have bottled up the greyish violet/lavendar of the mountains and clouds with the beaming golden (literally) sun. it was gorgeous.

sometimes we get navajo tacos during break. navajo taco+byu brownie+creamery chocolate milk=BEST.

sometimes i kind of love having two older brothers. i think it trumps any alternative. and then when you add in the eventual additions of sisters in law to the family? this, my friends is what we call the best of both worlds. really, you should wish you were me. i know you already are. hahahaha. jokes. i really am so funny.

sometimes mama gives me a full description of what she thinks my future husband will be like. and i press her to give every little idea/prediction. because here's the thing, friends. my momma ain't never wrong about these things. she's been 100 percent accurate so far for her other kidlets. therefore, if things continue in the same pattern, i will have one lucky life. that's all i have to say. perhaps the best life ever? i know you're jealous of my life again. you should be. (and member how i'll have the best career ever too? really, it just keeps getting better and better. you should want to become me.)

sometimes, i'm so excited for thanksgiving and christmas i could explode. a;osdilkvnea;woeifdjlkvnaw;epifSckm/aeo;wgpriedfs/kvnae;rsgdjv/k  <-- that=excitement. bring it on. mostly because i think my fam bam is super. and my brothers are hilarious. add on their female hip attachments (hahahaha. get it? i really am so funny.) and it makes it out of this world superb.

sometimes, you should just wish you were me. oh, and maybe sometimes you should listen to this song because it's cute. relevant? always.

sometimes i write the most ridiculous post ever. and then hit publish. embrace it.



life is goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood! and i'm just really happy. why? see above. and beyonnnddd! win.

how bout them apples?

evidence that i am hard-pressed for entertainment that is not my textbooks or pictures of my babies:

today i had a photo shoot with my lunch as i made it. like i run a cooking blog or something like sherry does. in case you were misinformed, i don't run a cooking blog. my cooking capabilities are lacking extremely unless you count baking bread, boiling water for pasta, making rice, or maybe grilling chicken on an extravagant day. and that literally about sums it up. (sorry future hubby. it's a sad fact.) but here i am having photo shoots as i make my sandwich. and then i walked around my apartment with an apple in my mouth, and thought it was really funny when i thought about it. so i took a picture.

all ingredients. almost.
i don't know why this is blurry. but it is.
and hey! you can see practically my whole apartment. in one picture. haaa.

the first half of my costco meat. currently i'm still working on the smoked turkey.
i'm looking forward to the honey ham and oven roasted.
best $9.99 ever spent.

i love me some grandma sycamore bread.
i think this stems from this being the sacrament bread when i was a child and starving on fast sundays,
wishing i could have more than one piece. therefore it is delicious.
and maybe just because it actually is delicious.
not like in romania where buying packaged bread like this is a huge mistake.
if you're ever in romania, always go for fresh bread. and hey, it's usually cheaper anyway.
ALWAYS.
your tastebuds will hate you if you don't. 

meunster cheese is best, but i'm trying to conserve mine, so cheddar works too, i guess.
but eating cheddar cheese makes me wish i had tortilla chips to melt it on top of.
is my family the only one who ever did that to make nachos?
and then the cheese hardens on the chips? mmmm.
i think i need to buy some tortilla chips today.

avocado! a key ingredient.
it's always a sad day when avocado season ends.

i'm so cool. and i walk around my apartment with an apple in my mouth.
i love green apples.
granny smith knows what's up.
she and grandma sycamore must be friends.
p.s. it's labor day. labor day=greasy hair.
oh wait. that happens every other day too.
oh well. it was worth a shot.
you were wondering why i look weird in this?
yeah. i don't know either.
the usual.

obviously, i'm hard-pressed for entertainment.

SOMEONE COME PLAY WITH ME!

i promise i'll even take the apple out of my mouth and try to be normal.

no promises, though.

i still suffer from the 'i am awkward' syndrome.

if that can even qualify as a syndrome?
i'm sure it could in my case.
turns out, we have our first fhe tonight!
even more opportunity to be awkward.
can't wait.

to be understood.

read this.
i think everyone feels like this sometimes.
no? me and deb are the only ones?
well, ok then. completely disregard anything i've ever said.
i think it's sad. but inspiring when you learn to move past it and have hope instead.
hopes of sunflower fields forever.
yes.
future hubby, take notes on the above.
deb and me are the same in that regard.

now listen to these.

cheesy? of course.

but sometimes cheesy is not so cheesy when it means something.

and you could add this one too. clean, of course.

you are perfect.

you should just know that.

and that's a whole lot of feel-good crammed into one.

high school's rough, debbie. surprise: high school isn't reality.

except every so often it doesn't go away.

just avoid those places/people.

that's just my two cents.

oh, and i love deborah ann.

faire la vaisselle?

someday, i will marry a man that will always offer to and insist upon doing his own dishes.

in our own home, as well as when visiting others.

those who know me know i'm not an enormous fan of doing the dishes, for a whole bunch of reasons.

and this he will know.

and as a matter of being a gentleman.

wherever we are, he'll offer to take care of it.

a small thing, but a huge thing.

this i promise you: it makes all the difference.

oh won't you please take my hand?

"but together we can be all right
'cause when it gets dark and when it gets cold,
we hold each other 'til we see the sun light.

hold my hand."

a nice idea, wouldn't you say?

a home.

going to a funeral is a humbling experience. and it puts life into perspective like nobody's business.
this life is so short. it can change so fast.
colleen was a beautiful soul. a jewel, really. and her eyes twinkled with her smile. which was ever-present. i admire that.
therefore, after today, i have come to some important conclusions.

someday:

i'd like to live in a home with lace curtains. a home with a big front porch and a soft porch swing just waiting to be rocked in on a warm summer day, glass of lemonade in hand. fresh flowers ever-present throughout the year on the inside. and a flower garden outside in the yard. oh, yes. i'd like a yard for my kiddies to play in as well. preferably one large enough to accommodate picnics and other gatherings. in the spring and summer time, the fresh flowers on my table will come from my own garden. this home will have lots of windows, in order for the natural sunlight to flood its way through every room and join the flood of love that will be present in every room.  someday, i want to learn how to always have advice for anything my kiddies ask me about or are concerned with. i want to know just what to say that makes them feel just right. whether they're three years old, or forty-three.  i want to make bread. not just for the fact that freshly homemade bread is more nutritious, but also because then my children can learn this life skill. we'll save money in making our own bread, as well. and i learned today how the making of bread is full of life lessons to be learned.  in this home, sunbeam naps will be encouraged, especially on summer sunday afternoons. the windows and doors will be open often, with screens where necessary. and the breeze will flow freely on warm summer days that aren't too hot. i'd like a nice and big family room, for that is what it will be: a room for family. and at some level we're all family, aren't we? whether or not it's a link by blood or marriage, we are eternal. i want it to be big enough to accommodate all who enter, but small enough to still feel charming and cozy. comfortable, not intimidating. and bookshelves! oh, the bookshelves we'll have. i wouldn't be my parents' child without them. they'll be full of books and easily accessible. following colleen's advice: read good books. read a lot of them. my kiddies will learn from a young age the wonders and importance of reading. i'd also like a piano. someday, at least. my kiddies will all learn a musical instrument. it's good for the brain. and music will be plentiful in this home. a place of perpetual learning. i'd also like it to be a place of color. not a monotonous white. i think a little bit of color is just what life needs sometimes, and if in my home is the only place to find the 'colors of life,' then so be it.

and while all these desires may seem materialistic, they're not meant to be.  the reason for my desires is this: i want family time spent together in this home to be not just encouraged, but desired.  i want all who enter this place to feel loved and cared for--to feel home, regardless of whether or not they are immediate family. i want it to be a place of love and nurturing, a place of peace. i want my family to want to spend time together. to want to invite friends and neighbors. to want to be there, regardless of what they're doing. between the big and plentiful windows and a yard, i'd like time devoted to be still. maybe even a weekly family tradition. 'be still, and know that i am god.' time set aside for cloud watching, star gazing, and pondering the mysteries of the universe. time set aside to just plain be. to appreciate the beauties of the universe. and most of all, to soak up the time we have together. for it will no doubt pass too quickly and seem too short. good thing we ultimately have eternity at our disposal. we'll need every second, for forever will not be long enough. it never is with the people you truly love.

photos here, here, here, and here.

"Home is the one place in all this world where hearts are sure of each other. It is the place of confidence. It is the place where we tear off that mask of guarded and suspicious coldness which the world forces us to wear in self-defense, and where we pour out the unreserved communications of full and confiding hearts. It is the spot where expressions of tenderness gush out without any sensation of awkwardness and without any dread of ridicule."

Frederick W. Robertson