window light.

have you ever noticed that almost universally,

hospitals tend to be practically made of windows around the outside?

as if to say that natural light is essential to the healing process.

as if to say that healing can't take place without sunshine and fresh air.

as if to say that sunshine and fresh air are essential to being alive.

and, you know, i must say i agree.

to feel beauty is a better thing than to understand how we come to feel it.

to have imagination and taste, to love the best,

to be carried by the contemplation of nature to a vivid faith in the ideal,

all this is more, a great deal more, than any science can hope to be.

george santayana

the doctrine of marriage, the way i see.

   in regards to the mysteries of the universe, i had some puzzle pieces click together this week--some new keys to unlocking new doors. and for whyever it may be, i feel an obligation of sorts to write about it--an obligation to myself, but also to god. so that i may remember that which i now understand, though before i didn't quite. and i do with a full disclaimer of acknowledgment that i myself am unmarried and therefore my perspective is without personal experience, though influenced by vicarious observation.

you will find that as you

write down precious impressions,

often more will come.

richard g. scott.

   last october (i can't even begin to talk about the fact that this was almost an entire year ago) we had this zone conference in which president lochhead did a teaching demonstration about the plan of salvation. during this, he compared our own creation to the creation of the world: something unorganized being made to become something beautiful and glorious. but salvation is meant to be a family affair, family making up the central unit of eternity. therefore, in order to help us attain that salvation, we are given a companion and help meet and are then called upon to organize ourselves. and this is what president discussed: this pattern of families--each individual striving together within an organized unit to help one another become and ultimately attain eternal life--this is where we find eternal joy. the very origin of that joy and of any family unit is with the couple itself, bound together and sealed in covenant to one another and to god. and in the end, exaltation is not an individual affair, but rather something we attain as couples through marriage. so from creation on through, president discussed the plan and expressed deep love and appreciation for his own companion through eternity. and let me just tell you, by the end even those who had hardly considered marriage before at all as something to look and strive towards were ready as can be to find that for themselves--to find their own eternal joy.
   the thing about the doctrine of marriage is that it's not quite so much about love as we may think, at least not in the way we think. the family and marriage between a man and woman is ordained of god. which is to say, was set up and established by an omnipotent and omniscient supreme creator of the universe as well as each and every one of us, for he is the father of our spirits. marriage is about choice: choosing to commit eternally to god and another individual of the opposite sex in striving towards becoming more like god. "neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man" (1 corinthians 11:11-12). it takes two.

   now the question is this--what about love? where does it fit? well, the answer is everywhere because love is in everything. we don't get married just because we love someone, but rather a holy and sacred kind of love stems from building a relationship founded upon this desire to become more like god, a desire to create eternity together. because eternity is built through the combined forces of one relationship with god and another's relationship with god--two people in their efforts to know and fulfill the will of god in order to ultimately become more like him. because that's why we're here on earth in the first place--not to pass through life, but to allow life to pass through us. in order that we may become.
   so what's my point? my point is: it's about becoming. and i would dare to say that becoming is an impossible task without other people with whom we can interact and learn from. well. what does that have to do with marriage specifically? well. i think there's something to be said for committing yourself to someone with complete trust and fidelity even, or perhaps more especially, on days when you can't stand them, even though you do love them. i think there's a reason god established and defined marriage as the unifying of man and woman under covenant. because there are some ways you can only grow if in harmony with someone else. in the eternities, it is not intended for any to be alone. through this mortal experience we learn what it means to find wholeness--and that we're never truly completely whole without a unity of self with a spouse. apparently elder russell m. nelson said a word or two on this topic at byu's commencement last week, though i was informed only after my own questioning and enlarged understanding of this doctrine of marriage. how timely.

"male and female are created for what they can do and become together."

russell m. nelson

   our own growth and becoming hinges upon a need for working together with someone else in the construction of self and eternity. and. i think that's purposeful. because there's a special kind of strength required and fostered by the complete trust and vulnerability with someone and in being forced to rely on someone else. because we were never meant to pass alone into eternal life.
   so back to love. what about love? isn't that what everyone wants? isn't that what everyone says? if two people love one another they should be allowed to be married. if god really loves us, he would allow that. well. that's just the point. it's because god does love us that he has defined the pattern through which we may find the greatest ultimate joy and fulfillment: the gospel of jesus christ and the plan of salvation. and a pivotally important part of that is the need for marriage between a man and woman. not simply a marriage, but a sealing that binds those ties on earth and in heaven. because that's why we're here: so that we may make it back home to that god who gave us life. connected forever to our beloved kindred, living and dead. everyone has a deserving right to be connected in eternity, no man, woman, or child an island. and every child deserves a family. a functional, loving, becoming, eternal family. the balance of a mother and father.

   now. this is the thing. i'm not the slightest bit naive. i realize that the attainment of all this and having it all work out seems highly idealistic. i realize that more often than not, reality is a far cry from two people striving in unity to become all they are capable of becoming with an eye single to the glory of god at all times. i realize that life looks rarely like the sunshiney, smiley embraces of families that perfectly love one another and never lose patience. i'd say those are more frequently just rare moments of shining jewels amidst what is probably too much selfishness, teasing, fighting, anger, offense, sadness, or betrayal. i'm not a complete fool. i realize shiny, happy, typical nuclear families are rarer and rarer, and i myself come from a family that fits not into the nuclear, but into the larger world majority of dysfunctionality and brokenness. all this to say nothing of how furious the injustice of all the children suffering in abandonment around the world makes me. for all the children i loved personally in romania, and even those i didn't know as well, i could scream in tirades for hours in their defense, absolutely furious with the seeming hopelessness and injustice of their existence on this earth from the very day most of them are born.
   what i'm saying is, i get it. i understand wondering if it really is possible. i understand feeling like sometimes life and this world has gone to hell in a hand-basket. more than all that, i understand feeling like this doctrine of marriage is extremely restricting and intolerant. just because i believe that this is what marriage ought to look like, who am i to restrict someone else from what they may see as their right? and that's what this week i finally found an answer for. because it's not about beliefs at all--my beliefs, your beliefs, or the beliefs of the neighbor living around the corner. it's about doctrine. which is an eternal truth that does not change and cannot be changed. it's about truth. and truth stands completely independent of any individual, organization, church, or nation. truth is truth--things as they really are.
   marriage. the doctrine of marriage. it's about becoming more like god. together. and to become like him, we build a family. we build a home with someone we love because we need each other. so marriage. it's really about finding someone you trust enough to be the co-creator of your own little family. so that by this means we may learn, grow, and become even more like god. because that process is life's purpose. a purpose that gives life not only fulfillment, but also an eternal kind of joy.
   and that? now that is something i can get behind.
 

also. for those interested. several other related articles that i find helpful:

the divine institution of marriage.

why we do some of the things we do. (about 2/3 of the way in.)

the cost--and blessings--of discipleship. (because god is comforting, not necessarily comfortable.)

huit. opt. восемь. 8.

and the walls kept tumbling down in the city that we love.

great clouds roll over the hills bringing darkness from above.

but if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?

and if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like you've been here before?

song of the day: pompeii, bastille.

sister pharis and me, just a couple days before leaving ukraine.
you can only a little bit see our nametags if you look closely.

eight.

today makes eight months since i returned home from ukraine.

i sort of kind of lost track of months after awhile after getting past four,

and i wouldn't want to be that obnoxious human that always seems to be counting something.

but recently i realized that in the past year, i've been in america longer than i've been in ukraine.

and something about that realization scares me a little bit.

eight is my favorite number, did you know?

well, it is.

when i'd been on a mission for eight months, i wrote a manifesto of sorts.

all the reasons i loved my mission, because i was a leeetle disenchanted at the time.

well. i'm not going to write a whole list of things to love about life in the past eight months.

but rather, i share that which is most important at this moment.

because in this month eight is when i'm now realizing.

anyone remember this?

(at the beginning of the year, when i'd just barely arrived from ukraine?)

i didn't know what to make of anything.

but resolved to make a place a home.

i knew a whole new year was before me, and i hadn't a clue what it may hold.

well. at the very least, this week i finally saw and realized:

i've made myself a home.

right here in this place and this life.

surrounded by some people i love, some people i like, some people i don't.

but all of everything carries with it a sense of calm and familiarity.

familiarity even with that which isn't routine.

i've found my skin, found my place in my little circle of the world.

and. i've built a home.

so here's to those eight months of construction.

here's to being home.

(and if you're wondering about the status of the ukrainian land at the moment.

well. that. i just can't even talk about. there's nothing good to be said.

so i'll say nothing at all.)

office chat chattering.

[as an explanation of context: there's a lot of upheaval going on in my department right now at work.
and throughout the office. and around all of campus, for that matter. interviews//new hires//graduates.]

me: i really like this season of upheaval with all the changes and goings on right now.
coworker, skeptically speaking : uhh. what is it about it that appeals to you?
me: i like change.
coworker: see, i'll do anything i can to avoid change. i really don't like it.
me: i just like the way it refreshes things. lack of change makes me feel stuck and like i'm not progressing. and i think. there are two skills that are the secret to life. if you possess them you are capable of anything, and capable of making it through anything.
1. the ability to adapt to change.
2. the ability to effectively communicate.

he promptly agreed.

i do like being settled into something all nice and cozy as much as the next person, snug with dancing sugar plums in my head. but when it all comes down to it, it's those days of transition that mark a life that is actually being lived--the springs and falls of anything we ever do.
i really like change. i crave it. those transition phases. watching growth.
any resemblance to a stagnant state terrifies me.

so while i wish it didn't also mean saying farewell to days of endless sun,
i'm actually looking forward to autumn. a new school year. a new collection of people.
come the golden days, i say.
come in as you may.

(and let us save the novels i could write in regards to the importance of communication for another day.)

where even the sun seems high.

we had a hales family reunion last week.

(crowd favorite.)

it was slim pickings, though.

many a missionary cousin out in the field these days--all around the world.

to say nothing of the most important fact:

derry was unfortunately unable to attend as they were busy welcoming a new baby girl to the world.

(happy one week of life, baby j! that makes me auntie em times two.)

and in their honor to make them feel at home, i bring you photos.

just a few, cause i'm not much of a photographer these days.

i realized too.

for it being a family reunion, i feel like i didn't spend all that much time with people.

the miker and i drove to and from utah together all those hundreds of miles.

on the way home we accidentally took a little detour that added three hours to our estimated arrival home.

(long past midnight. oops.)

and mostly. i spent the majority of those couple days of reunion vacation bliss with stenzie.

and because i forgot what it's like to be on vacation.

i took a mini nap on the balcony in the mountain sun once.

there's something about that fresh mountain air.

to say nothing of how beautiful colorado is.

i was tired a lot. and then spent more time with stenzie.

did you know--i hadn't even seen my own brother since being home from ukraine?

it's been almost eight months.

twenty-six since we'd seen one another in the person.

we celebrated the ringing in of his twenty-sixth year of life on friday. fitting.

had some lovely chats in random times and places with all other family members floating about.

so. i guess it really was a family reunion after all:

a reunion of the family that is mine.

my how times have changed since the reunions of my youth.

without further ado, a few photos for you.

several days that were good on the soul--including, but not limited to:

evening family devotionals: 

(including mike pretending he's still fiveish.)

 those stunning mountains that no one can ever get enough of.

i climbed up to the mountain, because you asked me.

 then of course was the day we spent with just the nevers.

and if we're telling truths, i think maybe it was my favorite.

there's probably more i could say about it, but i'll leave it simple instead.

a cute lunch bakerycafe // being artsy and painting // walking down a small town mainstreet // italian dinner.

talking, talking, talking. of all the things best discussed in real-life discussions.

 and i'm still having dreams about that turkey cranberry sandwich.

SOGOOD.

 look at steviekins. even he played artsyforaday.

we are artsy. or something.

(weletthepaintdothework.)

this was my creation:

inspired by both this and this.

what can i say? i'm a minimalist.

and, as i was finishing. awake my soul came on in the little art store we were in.

it's a signnn!

 

(translation russian to english: awake my soul.)

STEM:

 we took a little stroll down main street.

a main street much like park city's old main street.

there's just something about the hippie-ness of the coloradians and tourists that gives you room to breathe.

and we found this cookie shop. with sandwich cookies.

most had frosting inside.

what did i choose? the cookie dough sandwich.

cookie dough. surrounded by cookies.

is there a better combo?

probs not.

on friday we with most all the clan hiked to a lake.

lily pad lake.

it's real pretty.

i'm telling you. i'm sold on colorado.

SOLD.

aren't you?

everything everywhere is mountain-town-bliss.

do you see the fox, just off of main street?

f-o-x.

 more nightly chats and devotionals:

 and then came the day when we all parted ways once more.

i'd say we shed tears, but let's be honest. our corner of the family has never really been the crying kind. 

(see you at thanksgiving, stenzie. hellooooo, austin. we'refromutah/i'mfromaustin.)

 also.

#wetakeselfies

steve: 'should we take a selfie so we can get everyone in one?'

ma: 'hey, i know what a selfie is!'

 and this is how the sun set on our colorado days.

short though they were, wonderful and unforgettable they will forever be.

an unexpected kind of letting go.

cause there's something 'bout that mountain air.

something about falling asleep next to a big window while watching the stars burn the night.

the mountain air, i say.

(though the jokes about the high altitude and being high never get old.)

it is well with my soul.

with you to be.

from one of my stunning and sweet companions, sister rohrbaugh.

i love to watch her talk about her relationship with the savior. because. when she talks about it, it's about just her and him. he's not the savior, he's her savior. you can feel the closeness in her voice. the way she holds her own so sacred in her heart while simultaneously wanting so badly for everyone else to have their own personal version of that which she has. whenever she shares her testimony of the importance of the sacrament and church attendance, she always talks of him. of the way every week during the sacrament is a sacred, special time to be alone with the savior. just her and him. just me and him. just you and him.
i still think of her sweet, glowing face saying that almost every single week.
i wish everyone could watch her talk about it, see the earnestness in her eyes.
that special moment. alone with the savior.

me and sissy r. thanksgiving day, 2013.

there's this song by sufjan stevens called to be alone with you. you'd think that it's about a romantic love. but no. it's about jesus. about being alone with jesus. and how he went through all that he did so that he may be alone with you. and you alone with him. he gave all. so that he may be alone with us.
and that's one of the most important aspects of the sacrament--the opportunity to be alone with the savior while simultaneously renewing all covenants and coming not only unto him, but unto god the father. because partaking of the sacrament is a witness unto the father--a witness of love for him that also cultivates willingness to obey. and the strength to do so comes from the same place: from the sacrament, from covenants.

for this purpose, we pray. we fill our hearts with all the faith we can muster.
when people talk about faith, they almost always also talk about prayer as well.
faith is prayer. prayer is faith.
faith is an honest conversation with god. sometimes (ironically) prayer can be made out to sound so distant and grandiose. but i prefer to always think of it in terms of honest conversations. i live for honest conversations--genuine and sincere. and god is always genuine and sincere.
therefore, i like talking to god.
to be alone with him.

all this we do, 'to be alone with you.'
just you and the savior. just me and the savior. just all of us. with the savior.
for that special moment.
that glorious, beautiful moment.
there's nothing like it. nothing in the world.

 

feel the earth.

because sometimes the best way to refresh a heart and soul,

is walking home alone barefoot in the rain.

the warmth of burning asphalt, cooled by the summer moisture beneath your toes.

little puddles here and there as the storm is easing up.

(because we're morally opposed to staying inside during a perfectly good thunderstorm.)

keep the earth below my feet.

for all my sweat, my blood runs weak.

let me learn from where i have been.

keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn.

and i was still, i was under your spell.

i was told by jesus all was well.

so all must be well.

just give me time.

you know your desires and mine.

so wrap my flesh in ivy and in twine,

for i must be well.

below my feet, mumford.

song of the day: below my feet, by mumford and sons.

(because it is perfect and i can't get enough.)

follow me down to the valley.

because the thing about life, is that it's meant to be filled with people.

and the best kinds of people, are those that carry nothing but love.

friendships already understood that hold no expectation.

people that require nothing of you beyond you yourself.

because life is meant to be filled with people that only want you to be you.

so here i bring you some odds and ends of lately, this summertime of fourteen.

(cause i'm a little spotty on updating anything or anyone at anytime about my life.)

jibull down here is our fhe mother. so we decided to have waterballoons for a waterballoonfight.

guess who came?

essentially no one.

just see if we ever plan something real again.

this is sarah stagg. she served in chile and got home four months ago.

she has a banjo.

and she's one of the funniest and most down-to-earth people i've ever known.

she can stay forever. we're a little obsessed with her.

elder withers (tyler? #firstnamestruggles) came to provo for a little minute a few weeks ago,

so we planned a little 'let's get together.'

there's something just so refreshing about these people.

these people who already know. these people who want nothing of you but you.

ukraine eggs are good eggs. the best, really.

member that time i went to brick oven alone with five formerelders? (megochka came late.)

yeah, me neither. worth it for the roaming magic man.

speaking of elders. all of my mtc loves are home now, you know.

i went to a few homecoming shindigs when it happened.

this is elder ogden (steven) and elder egbert (jordan).

and that pretty looker on the right? gwennie was in town!

mtc companion love lasts forever.

and. in case you were wondering. he made it.

(don't know what that means? ask me.)

the blossoming of sunflower season. speaks for itself, yeah?

these are my favorite collection that i like to jog past.

then there was the time i decided a freshman roommate reunion was in order with cassi.

because spending part of a morning catching up with mama cass is good on the soul.

here we are, grown up and moving on. where did those years go?

(don't answer that.)

drop everything now.

because laursy mclaursykins came to provo to visit again. (i'm so demanding.)

we had a gooooood, long chat about all the things. and concluded with sparkling.

sparks flying in the summer night because i bought some really really cheap sparklers once at the store.

because everyone loves flying fire. soul sisters with sparkling? perfect.

i think everyone is due for more sparkles and sparkling in their lives.

last weekend we with sarah and jilly decided to hike up rock canyon in the evening.

but then we only went part way up and then laid down on a rock and watched the stars illuminate.

meanwhile, we talked about the universe, and especially about god.

which includes our mission experiences, and especially a thorough discussion of moses 7.

all in regards to the love of god // hope // agency.

i love these women. i love this beautiful world. i love our god that weeps.

and then the real kicker on top?

my new cheap target kicks.

i'll be your emmylou and i'll be your june, if you'll be my gram and my johnny too.

no, i'm not asking much of you. just sing, little darling, sing with me.

emmylou, first aid kit.

and there's just a small sampling of snapshots. nowhere near an all-encompassing description.

just a few scrambled pieces of this mixer we call life.

peaceeeee.

(cause i know my ma is probably the only one

who is actually interested slash made it to the end of this.

hi, ma.)

one man's eden.

Eden is that old-fashioned House

We dwell in every day,

Without suspecting our abode

Until we drive away.

Emily Dickinson, Eden is that old-fashioned House

there's this painting i stumbled upon a few months ago in an obscure hallway in the library. one that looks like many others: a landscape of a small town in what looks like rural utah. there's some cows and what looks like a barn, some modest cottages and a steeple in the distance. all of which sits comfortably at the base of some blueish and green rocky mountains. it doesn't have to be utah. it could be the scene from a train of romanian countryside. maybe ukrainian. or perhaps it is just right nearby, just outside of park city, or maybe the path to idaho. we've likely seen such a scene a million times, really. each with its own variation.

i've seen such paintings time and time again and while they are beautiful, most would typically be passed by without great fanfare. without even a second glance. but here i am, telling you all about this one painting, patterned after so many others.

because. i can't get the title out of my head.

One Man's Eden

i've been thinking about the concept of eden a lot lately. which also could be termed as, thinking of the concept of home. it's this obsession of sorts that i have with this idea.

this is a place where i don't feel alone.

this is a place where i feel at home.

song of the day: to build a home, the cinematic orchestra.

a few years ago, google had this ad when they first came out with google plus and the new idea of video chatroom hangouts. a commercial featuring snippets of conversations among people connecting with loved ones from afar via video. connections. the fostering of relationships, the reinforcement of relationships. each was just a small snapshot into a home. (and sometimes it made me want to almost think about shedding a tear.)

home: a place of residence / social unit formed by a family living together / a familiar or usual setting / congenial environment / place of origin.

at home: relaxed and comfortable / at ease / in harmony with the surroundings / on familiar ground

home is a place where people know the intricacies of one another, even if time and distance mean that they don't know the daily details anymore. home means being together, regardless of what you may be doing. it means talking about a little of everything, just because you can--including a small pause while the almost-two-year-old screams out a few words, or even just a pause to watch them nibble at a potato wedge and observe you. being together just to be, sometimes sitting around in occasionally-interrupted silence. home is built around people related and people that love, or maybe just people related by love. home is the place and people that are still there as you come and go from your wanderings.

because i have in me a restlessness. a need to wander.

i don't have a home right now--i haven't for quite sometime. i have pieces of homes where i can temporarily visit, yes. but none to call my own. none that belong to me. sometimes it's hard to feel like this transitory student/apartment/single living isn't temporary. i often feel as though it's all i've ever known.

is this home? is this what i must learn to believe in? (home, beauty and the beast)

you see, honey, i saw love. you see, it came to me. it put its face up to my face so i could see.

see, honey, i am not some broken thing. i do not lay here in the dark waiting for thee.

no, my heart is gold. my feet are light. and i am racing out on the desert plains all night. (song for zula, phosphorescent)

sometimes i see home. sometimes life experiences bring edenhomelove to my face so that i may see. and sometimes i get homesick for a home that once was or one that doesn't exist yet. home is a feeling, not a place. home is where one is most at harmony. home is where one finds the purest contentment on familiar ground. home can be anywhere. home is something you build.

this is home, to build a home.

often the purest forms of our own eden that we ever find, we never notice until we've already driven away.

eden. being still within the presence of god. home.

to a certain extent, we each define our own old-fashioned house. being still within the presence of god, in harmony with surroundings, and at ease--that looks different on everyone. one man's eden is not another's. and yet. finding a similar eden is how we build connections. this is how we build a home.

what does your edenhome look like?