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never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world.

indeed, it's the only thing that ever has.

margaret mead

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in all things it is better to hope than to despair.

goethe

some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end.

life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment,

and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.

delicious ambiguity.

gilda radner

learning, growing.

i keep waiting for the day to come that i don't once think of my kids, romania, or the lessons i learned there.
just one.
well, i'm starting to think that's never going to happen.
and maybe, just maybe--i like it that way.
i don't want to forget. i'd prefer to move forward, with the lessons and love i learned there constantly a part of me. i love who i was when i was there. i love the realignment of priorities i attained while there. i love the way my hair curls and goes crazy when it's styled by humid air, sweat, and nothing more. i love the way my heart grew larger than i knew it could, and i learned to love deeper than ever before in my life. a love with meaning. a love that took work. a love everlasting.
you see? i don't want to lose these memories, or these lessons, or this perspective. i want it with me, guiding me in future situations. helping me to love all people and cultures the way i love those kids, the people of romania, and their culture. i don't just love these things, i treasure them. i hold them near to me, precious memories that, in some ways i wish i could shout from the mountain tops and share, because they're just that wonderful. which, i can do with some experiences. but with the most tender of experiences, i prefer to hide them. store them deep within me under lock and key. because sharing them would be like casting pearls before swine. something that most all others could never have quite enough respect and compassion for.

   i know i sound like a broken record. and i'm sure anyone reading this is sick of hearing about romania and my kids and my obsession with them, but that's exactly it. i can never remove that. as far as my own personal romanian experience this summer is concerned, and i'd imagine with most all interns, to some extent or another, it is something that will forever be a part of me. in a very big way, it's a very big part of who i am, and a very big part of--if i may be so bold--my entire existence. romania was pivotal. life-changing. a tiny moment in the span of eternity, and yet some of the most important of all moments of my life. moments that brought me nearer to God and closer to the other side of the veil than any other time in my life, and even rival the temple. [yes, i really did just say that. and yes, i really do mean it.] He was there. closer and stronger than any other time in my life, because i sought for His presence not for myself, but for the good of these children. caring little for my own thoughts or feelings, but wanting them to have the world. wanting them to have everything i could never give them. wanting them to have every feeling of peace, love, and acceptance that this universe could provide. assurance that they are perfect. assurance that they belong and reside in the ranks of the strongest of souls. because if nothing else, they deserve that. oh, how they deserve it. they deserve to be completely encircled in the arms of His love.  that love ever-present, but at some moments so powerful that you could almost reach out and touch it. more strongly than anywhere else on the earth, because there's no other way for them to have that. and while this earthly existence is just a small moment for these children compared to eternity, it is a painful moment. a moment filled with rejection, judgment, and hatred. filled with misunderstanding, and lack of compassion or empathy. lack of people willing to get to know them for who they are, not who their mortal bodies would say they must be.
   in romania, i learned that heaven is not so much a place, as it is a feeling. (i still don't know how to fully express this, but i want to. somehow. so bare with me, if you please.)  there are so many times, that heaven was in the room i was in. heaven surrounded and enveloped the children i was with, and because i was with them, i was privileged with a slight taste of it, if only for a small moment. and i guess you could say, heaven is love. a collection of love. love of all kinds combined. so then, i suppose the question is, what is love? god is love. thus, heaven is God. heaven is God's presence.  it's not about where you are, it's about who you're with.  as jeffrey r. holland once said, heaven wouldn't be heaven without his children and wife. isn't that the way it is with all of us?  it doesn't matter how many roads paved with gold there are. it's about being together with the people you love for eternity. together. that's a powerful word. together for eternity.
   what is love? so much more than the typical romantic comedy would suggest, no matter how adorable it may seem. love is heaven. love is God. and love through that viewpoint is the most powerful love in existence. true love, is love in which God is a part, regardless of the relationship. between a couple, yes of course. but also among friends. and among children. for this is the kind of love i share with my kids. a love so much deeper and undefinable than could ever exist on earth alone. and thus, heaven had to be with my kids for that love to exist. and it was. oh, how it was. in every way, they are His children. He is speaking in complete sincerity and truth when saying "fear not, little children. you are mine." they are His. not just my kids, but all kids. all people. all the souls of this world, but especially those living without families on this earth. they'll have one someday. they must.
   it's an odd thing, thinking that someone you love has, to the best of your knowledge, passed on from this earthly existence. and then finding out that they survived, though they weren't expected to. as i was leaving romania, i was told my wild sunshine boy would soon be passing on, and was in the final stages of his life.  i figured that he was gone. especially by now. i think of him often, for he was a powerful influence on me. and this experience of his absence had a powerful influence on me, and a few other kids. one girl, in particular. in some ways, i feel a pang of sadness that he has not yet been set free from this earthly trial. in other ways, i'm thrilled that he is still here and will continue to bless the lives of those that interact with him. maybe a few more people need to partake of his goodness before he goes? i wouldn't doubt it. he has so much to offer. and just this morning i was thinking of him and singing that song. and i've had a very romania filled day in terms of my thoughts. all apparently leading up to this little piece of news. it's not so much that i'm just excited about this boy. it's that i'm excited about all of them. their progress. their successes. their potential. oh, how i love each of the children i was blessed to know.
   when i got back from romania, i was talking to ms.jenny. talking about growing. a summer of growth. and i realized i never really found a way to answer the question of how i grew. maybe because there is no real and finite description, because it's such a broad form of growth. have you ever seen a bundle of wild sunflowers? the kind on the side of the road that grow every summer, just because they can. flowers explode from every angle. each stem intertwined with the others in an almost-unpleasant lack of order. the thing is, though, that when you look closely, there is order. order in the tangle. i am a bundle of wild sunflowers. each piece of me completely tangled with the others, constantly influencing the other flowers so much so, that you can't really tell where they go inbetween. all you know, is that they all come from the same root and are beautiful when blooming. those traits, those pieces of growth, when allowed to bloom, that is true beauty. the flowers all belong to me, but everything gets a little complex and complicated in between. and, well, that's how i am.

there is so much i wish to say. and yet i feel inadequate in finding a means of rightly saying it.
someday i'll find a way.

persistence and survival.

i got an email today with an update on my romanian kiddlets.
read this.

this boy.

this wonderful, beautiful boy of mine.

he SURVIVED!

by all odds, he shouldn't have.

but he DID!

tender, and not necessarily strong.

but.

HE'S ALIVE.

i knew he had it in him.

that's all for now.

my heart is full of happiness.
i could cry.
i will.

jazz music, france, and cows.

does life get any better than those three things?

obviously not.

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keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow.

its' what sunflowers do!

helen keller

numbering.

i have 4 scheduled events i could be at around 7pm on thursday. FOUR.
5 if you count staying home and studying for my midterms going on at the end of this week.
6 if you count sleeping (sleeping is always acceptable).

but of these 4,
4 of which i found out about yesterday.
2 are for french.
3 could get me class credit.
1 i've already experienced.
1 isn't even in provo.
1 relates to my major.
2 involve spiritual enlightenment.
4 have potential to be humorous, 2 more than the others.

and this is just thursday night.
the only week of the semester that could rival this week is the first week of november.
or finals week.
and i'm pretty sure finals week doesn't compare because there are more days available for testing and studying.
so just this week. and november.
on the bright side, general conference this weekend!
except one of my exams runs before, during, and after it.
and i don't have time to take it before because of other exams.
and the testing center is closed for conference.
oops.

please excuse me if i'm a bit absent from life.

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loneliness can be conquered only by those who can bear solitude.

paul tillich

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the lord's way is not hard.

life is hard, not the gospel.

lawrence e. corbridge

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here is edward bear, coming downstairs now. bump, bump, bump on the back of his head behind christopher robin. it is, as far as he knows, the only way of coming downstairs, but sometimes he feels that there really is another way, if only he could stop bumping for a moment and think of it.

a.a. milne

we all need this reminder.

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writing about one's own life, it is only when one writes about

the most intimate and seemingly idiosyncratic details

that one touches others.

susan griffin

visual snippets.

daisies+sunflowers

good morning, sun.

taylor building/clinic.

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what a lovely surprise to finally discover

how unlonely being alone can be.

ellen burstyn

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words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind.

rudyard kipling

never be afraid to sit awhile and think.

lorraine hansberry

restless streets.

photo here.

i'm in an odd state lately.

at this point, this has already been established with various hypotheses as to why. that's not to say i'm liking it any better. but sometimes having an explanation, no matter how odd, can make it seem a little better. sometimes.

i've had a lot of random collections of socializing this week. and the more time i spend around people, the more i feel like i've moved past them. like my life has come to a different sort of place when it all comes down to it. on a deeper level, i mean. like i just don't quite fit in anymore.

i've come to a passive and numb state, i think. i force myself not to think about the past or future too much, only enough to look towards goals. for the most part i just live my life. day to day. work, school, sleep. in one order or another, this is what i do. occasional there are social occasions. and those are the moments where it's magnified to me how much i don't fit in anymore. i can try to. try and make it work. but it only works to a certain extent, until i realize how completely different i am now from the person i was then. i get along best with the people that didn't know me before romania, and to them i'm just the person i am now. i don't have to try and mismatch together two different pieces of me: the me i left behind with the different me i've become.

is different bad? is different good? in this case, i'd say it's good. i'd hope it's good. i've learned so much. i've grown so much. i've changed so much, but with that change i haven't lost myself. rather, i think i've found myself and i'm more myself than ever. it's an odd thing, finding yourself. a self i thought i knew and had already discovered, but romania. oh, romania. it opened up a new part of me. a part of my soul i didn't know was there. a part that, once opened, cannot be closed. a part that completes me. and even if i'm not complete, i'm more complete than i've ever been. and there's very little that remains to bring this completion. (which presents another argument. are our souls ever really complete? or is the real matter at hand rediscovering the missing pieces of our souls that we've lost sight of in this earthly state? pieces that will only be completely reunited after death, but are, nonetheless, still discoverable in this life--if only we are willing to look for them and put ourselves in the proper places in which we are able to find them. and then, upon finding them, open ourselves to it completely and embracing that new piece with open arms, like the return of the prodigal's son. which, if i may say from experience, is not always easy.)

and therefore, i'm in an odd state lately.

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to effectively communicate, we must realize that

we are all different in the way we perceive the world

and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.

anthony robbins

previously posted here.

infinite compassion.

read this, and be enlightened.

inspired, even.

i promise that after reading those words with the combination of those photographs,

your day will then continue onward just a little bit brighter than before.

with a little bit more of a spring in your step,

enabled and empowered by this knowledge.

with more of an eternal perspective,

rather than bogged down by the necessary tasks of the day.

left in admiration for the beauty around us,

the beauty of autumn,

and the beauty of this life.

all thanks to god's infinite love.

viața e minunată, da?

la vie est belle, n'est-ce pas?

our existence is beautiful.

i don't think i was as wise at 16 as deborah ann now is.

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trust yourself.

you know more than you think you do.

benjamin spock

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people will forget what you said,

people will forget what you did.

but people will never forget how you made them feel.

maya angelou

every day is an opportunity to make a new happy ending.

fresh raspberry jam and changing leaves.

sometimes while you wait for your roommate to be ready so you can head to church,

you have a photoshoot in the mirror like a 13 year old girl.

while brushing your teeth.

because you like the outfit that resulted, hair included.

even though you were originally planning on a more relaxed kind of sunday outfit.

so much for that.

before church your roommate makes you breakfast.

and banana bread that half worked.

you read a few talks and a biography of the prophet.

because everyone knows religion homework is allowed on sundays.

on the way to church, you spot the first signs of changing leaves on the mountain.

you laugh through church, and enjoy the ever-present hilarity of a byu ward.

after church, your roommate makes dinner.

(success with chicken for the second time ever for her!)

and you make rolls to go with it, because after browsing pinterest, you feel like baking.

that's natural, right?

i want a family to bake for.

and i want to try out some new cupcake recipes.

i would wear pearls while cooking, like julia childs.

[commence homemaking/nesting/wifely/motherly character traits wanting to be used.

reason for this desire showing up lately?

you tell me.]

so this combination of chicken and rolls is delectably delicious.

and you eat dinner together with your roommates in your cozily homey little space.

and it feels just like a real home.

(have i mentioned my apartment is glorious?)

so then you lay on the couch for a bit, because you're so full you could explode.

(why have i not learned this lesson yet?)

and then your home teachers come over, and enjoy some rolls too.

and provide some quality laughs.

and then you watch the young victoria and go to bed early.

because, well. it's sunday.

and that's what i love about sundays.

errands

"I may have walked where Jesus once walked, but what is more important to me is that today, I can walk where Jesus would walk if He were still with us.  I can listen to the promptings of the Holy Ghost and minister to those the Savior would minister to today.  I try to never delay a prompting.  When you honor a prompting and then stand back a pace, you realize that the Lord gave you the prompting.  It makes me feel good that the Lord even knows that if He has an errand to be run and prompts me to run the errand, the errand will get done.  That is the testimony of my life."

Thomas S. Monson

this is a testimony we should all strive for, wouldn't you say?

it's not about being in the same place in the world and needing to see where things took place,

but rather in having the faith that they did take place,

and being willing to do what needs to be done as His hands on His errand.

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in the right light, at the right time,

everything is extraordinary.

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be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

plato

go ahead and plan on crying.

click here.

this is the sweetest thing.

he is such a good man.

exceptional.

i cried.

beautiful.

there are good people in this world.

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this is your life.

do what you love, and do it often.

if you don't like something, change it.

if you don't have enough time, stop watching tv.

if you are looking for the love of your life, stop.

they will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love.

stop over-analyzing. life is simple.

all emotions are beautiful.

when you eat, appreciate every last bite.

a freshman reunion

tonight we had a freshman reunion, thanks to claira's suggestion and then planning that resulted. (see here. or here. if you want to know who i'm talking about.) it was a reunion of our 3 apartments, who came to be quite close that year. and sad to say, it's been since we moved out that we've ALL been together again.
sad, huh? i think everyone's seen everyone else at least once on an individual basis. on campus and things, you know.
almost everyone together, though? unheard of. and tonight we were! [minus daylin and kealani. they were most definitely missed.] i loved it. i was apprehensive, because it's been so long. and all things considered, it had potential to be awkward, as all social situations do to some extent. but it wasn't awkward. not one bit. maybe because i refused to let it be awkward. and maybe because being with these girls felt so natural. because we all have spent so much time together before, that it was just a matter of hearing how life has been in the past year and a half. and a whole lot of laughing. or maybe that was just me? i might have dug my own grave with awkward comments or timing and just being weird a few times, but it's fine. i totally laughed it off. times a million. we all laughed. and let's be honest, i've missed these girls. and their humor. (and mamma cass. ohh mamma cass, how i've missed the laughs she provides.)
so we ate tacos (potluck style, of course) and cookies. and chatted for a couple of hours before each going on our merry way. with an agreement and hope of getting together again soon.
and yes we did note along the way the hilarity that the first married is also the youngest. no bigs.

here we are in april 2010:

and here we are today, september 2011:

[why do i always bend my legs in pictures, therefore making me even shorter? i don't understand either.]

cute little bunch, eh?

are we really all that different now compared to then?

i would dare to say no. we're not.

still just a silly bunch of girls, making our way through life.

maybe just a little bit older these days, and (we can only hope) a little bit wiser as well.

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love me when i least deserve it,

because that is when i really need it.

swedish proverb

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love the life you live,

live the life you love.

bob marley

let it burn

i have a slight obsession with this song.

and by slight, i mean it's getting extreme.

me and my roommates just listened to it 3 times in a row.

last night we listened to it 2 times in a row.

not to mention the million other times i play it for myself.

ahem.

i first heard it when we were in romania.

i think it was when we were making our maps?

or maybe one of the million other times it came up on rossles's computer.

the point is. it's addicting.

i love me some adele.

but really, who doesn't?

the levels to which she is incredible?

i'm speechless.

p.s. if you feel like being inspired, watch this. i was skeptical at first too, especially because of the length. but just hear it out. and if you're anything like me, you might want to prepare a few tissues. it makes my heart grow as tears stream warmly down my face. and maybe i was thinking of my babies.

i'm feeling more control over my life all the sudden. and i really like it.

mothers solve everything.

and i apologize for the fact that i post a trillion million times.

sorry.

but then again, if you don't like it, then just don't read my bloggity, i suppose.

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life is about the people you meet,

and the things you create with them.

so go out and start creating.

time and seeing.

when i started this bulletin project, it was mostly to have a place to store all these quotes. at the time, i thought little more of it. i typed a bunch up, and have them scheduled to be posted each day, at least through september until i get a chance to finish typing the rest. as i look at them as they unfold themselves, i find myself excited to see what new insight each day will bring, and i'm amazed to see how fitting they are for each of my days. and how powerfully frappant (sorry. i can't think of how to express this in english.) they are to me and for my life. things i need to hear. things i need to remember. sometimes i wish i could see more of my life at once, have more of a perspective--an eternal perspective on things.
the first quote posted was: 'to see takes time.' by the lovely georgia o'keefe. and, well, sometimes giving things time requires enormous patience. and sometimes, i'm running out of patience. you see, my life is in a bit of a funk as of late. a disconnected and unhappy funk. in some things, i am genuinely unhappy, and i can't fully figure out why. i can't figure out what my problem is, or what i should do to change things. i have ideas. and i'm trying not to focus on the things that i outright know are bugging me. i try to look past them and focus on the blessings in my life. focus on the lessons learned in romania, and in life. focus on the inspirations i've had in the past year, and on all the little miracles and tender mercies that remind me just how aware god is of my current situation. i've had a few little ones this weekend.
by the same token, however, i feel rather alone as of late. there is a difference between loneliness and solitude. solitude is usually something i savor and relish in, as well as time spent with loved ones and friends. lately, however, i feel loneliness filling that space instead, in a different sort of way. alone and disconnected from even those who were once closest to me, because their lives have changed and my life has changed. with those changes, however, i'm still in limbo. and limbo is becoming something i detest. not just hate. detest. and my life is in limbo. a disconnected and hanging kind of limbo. or something like it.
quote from my journal last week: "taking care of 11 romanian children with disabilities plus many more babies throughout the summer is infinitely easier than worrying about my own life, where it's headed, and how i get there."
quote from my journal last night: "life feels so lonely lately. i'm surrounded by people, and yet, i still feel alone in so many ways. the people i used to turn to and relate to best have now moved on and have significant others or spouses. and i'm just alone...today was a nice, refreshing spiritual boost, but i still don't quite feel at peace."
and this is my life. i try not to focus on the things that make me unhappy, and the uneasy feelings. but sometimes, i think feelings like that are there for a reason and there to be noticed, and because of that, there's something to be changed or learned from. and i can't figure it out. i thought i was a fairly intelligent human being. maybe not.
on the bright side i really like my classes, and i really like being in so many major classes. and feeling like i really do like my major, even if it won't be easy. i really like sunshine. i got in my car this afternoon, and it was roasty warm. i relished in the heat on my skin. whenever i think i might be too warm, i envision myself in romania, walking up the hill to the hospital, and i let the heat seep through every fiber of my being, trickling through from the surface of my skin and into the blood coarsing through me, relishing in those moments. (more on romania at a later date.)
on the not so bright side, i'm considering an edit of sorts to my educational goals. which could complicate life. but in other ways could make it simpler (ultimately). we'll see.
am i being cryptic?
my specialty.

The Lord loves us and answers our prayers.

He delights in blessing those who are faithful,

but in His own time and in His own way.

sister kristen oaks.

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5 simple rules for happiness:

1. free your heart from hatred.

2. set your mind free from worries.

3. live simply.

4. give more.

5. expect less.

brightening every hour

"Our Father’s commitment to us, His children, is unwavering. Indeed He softens the winters of our lives, but He also brightens our summers. Whether it is the best of times or the worst, He is with us. He has promised us that this will never change.

But we are less faithful than He is. By nature we are vain, frail, and foolish. We sometimes neglect God. Sometimes we fail to keep the commandments that He gives us to make us happy. Sometimes we fail to commune with Him in prayer. Sometimes we forget to succor the poor and the downtrodden who are also His children. And our forgetfulness is very much to our detriment.

If there is a spiritual lesson to be learned from our experience of that fateful day, it may be that we owe to God the same faithfulness that He gives to us. We should strive for steadiness, and for a commitment to God that does not ebb and flow with the years or the crises of our lives. It should not require tragedy for us to remember Him, and we should not be compelled to humility before giving Him our faith and trust. We too should be with Him in every season.

The way to be with God in every season is to strive to be near Him every week and each day. We truly “need Him every hour,” not just in hours of devastation. We must speak to Him, listen to Him, and serve Him. If we wish to serve Him, we should serve our fellow men. We will mourn the lives we lose, but we should also fix the lives that can be mended and heal the hearts that may yet be healed.

It is constancy that God would have from us. Tragedies are not merely opportunities to give Him a fleeting thought, or for momentary insight to His plan for our happiness. Destruction allows us to rebuild our lives in the way He teaches us, and to become something different than we were. We can make Him the center of our thoughts and His Son, Jesus Christ, the pattern for our behavior. We may not only find faith in God in our sorrow. We may also become faithful to Him in times of calm."

Thomas S. Monson, 9/11 Destruction Allows Us To Spiritually Rebuild

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when the power of love overcomes the love of power,

the world will know peace.

jimi hendrix

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the greatest battle is not physical, but psychological.

the demons telling us to give up when we push ourselves to the limit

can never be silenced for good.

they must always be answered by the quiet, the steady dignity

that simply refuses to give in.

courage. keep going.

graeme fife

a visually intoxicating film & music.

yes i am going to this. it looks so charming.
and maybe it counts as a cultural activity. no big.

thank you, international cinema.

who wants to go with me?

classic old romantic musical. in french.
(with subtitles)

seriously.
i don't care if i'm the only one in the theater.
following which, i plan to move back to europe.

(if only)

blinking in the starlight.

i love tangled.

(who doesn't?)

i love zachary levi.

(who doesn't?)

and i love this song.

(can i get another 'who doesn't?')

that's all.

happy friday!

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failure is success if we learn from it.

malcolm forbes

defects

If you obsess about some defect, you make it obvious to everyone, and suddenly everyone is staring at just that defect. It's always like that. The more you hide something, the more it shows. But when you accept your defect, suddenly no one on earth sees it anymore. In fact, it becomes an asset.

Audrey Tautou

wise words found here. i've been catching up on her blog lately.

p.s. read this. i love small bits of happiness.

for me, this morning it was walking home while most people were walking towards campus.

yesterday, it was the ferris wheel. or rather, watching other people and their reaction to seeing the ferris wheel.

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friendships are like rainbows:

they brighten your day when you've been through a storm.

photo taken by soul sister.

ma.slp.

sometimes i spend a few hours researching grad school for speech path.
and then i realize i could go anywhere in the country--the world is at my feet.
and then i see how much graduate tuition is. particularly non-resident tuition.
and then i look at all that is required for admittance.
and then i peruse through online discussion boards with people that don't get in despite excellent gpa & gre scores.
and then i get so stressed out i could die.

deep breaths.
in.
out.
in.
out.
whoooooooooooooooooooooo.
(3 phonemes. onomatopoeia--meaning correlates with word's appearance.)

aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

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open your mind, arms, and heart to new things and people.

we are united in our differences.

ask the next person you see what their passion is,

and share your inspiring dream with them.

some opportunities only come once.

seize them.

life is short.

live your dream and wear your passion.

COMPLETE!

announcement:

MY ROMANIA PORTFOLIO IS FINISHED!

100 percent.

all of it. tot. tout.

DONE.

lauren (roommate) and i celebrated with bread.

homemade bread and raspberry jam at 11:30 at night.

after jillian michaels kicked our trash. that was fun(ny).

does life get much better?

we submit that it cannot.

acum: noapte buna!
pre-midnight and all.
look at us go.
though tonight is on the very late side for us, actually.
lauren is excellent for my sleeping goal of early to bed, early to rise.
obviously.

bulletins - 10

be the change you wish to see in the world.

ghandi

how bout them apples?

evidence that i am hard-pressed for entertainment that is not my textbooks or pictures of my babies:

today i had a photo shoot with my lunch as i made it. like i run a cooking blog or something like sherry does. in case you were misinformed, i don't run a cooking blog. my cooking capabilities are lacking extremely unless you count baking bread, boiling water for pasta, making rice, or maybe grilling chicken on an extravagant day. and that literally about sums it up. (sorry future hubby. it's a sad fact.) but here i am having photo shoots as i make my sandwich. and then i walked around my apartment with an apple in my mouth, and thought it was really funny when i thought about it. so i took a picture.

all ingredients. almost.
i don't know why this is blurry. but it is.
and hey! you can see practically my whole apartment. in one picture. haaa.

the first half of my costco meat. currently i'm still working on the smoked turkey.
i'm looking forward to the honey ham and oven roasted.
best $9.99 ever spent.

i love me some grandma sycamore bread.
i think this stems from this being the sacrament bread when i was a child and starving on fast sundays,
wishing i could have more than one piece. therefore it is delicious.
and maybe just because it actually is delicious.
not like in romania where buying packaged bread like this is a huge mistake.
if you're ever in romania, always go for fresh bread. and hey, it's usually cheaper anyway.
ALWAYS.
your tastebuds will hate you if you don't. 

meunster cheese is best, but i'm trying to conserve mine, so cheddar works too, i guess.
but eating cheddar cheese makes me wish i had tortilla chips to melt it on top of.
is my family the only one who ever did that to make nachos?
and then the cheese hardens on the chips? mmmm.
i think i need to buy some tortilla chips today.

avocado! a key ingredient.
it's always a sad day when avocado season ends.

i'm so cool. and i walk around my apartment with an apple in my mouth.
i love green apples.
granny smith knows what's up.
she and grandma sycamore must be friends.
p.s. it's labor day. labor day=greasy hair.
oh wait. that happens every other day too.
oh well. it was worth a shot.
you were wondering why i look weird in this?
yeah. i don't know either.
the usual.

obviously, i'm hard-pressed for entertainment.

SOMEONE COME PLAY WITH ME!

i promise i'll even take the apple out of my mouth and try to be normal.

no promises, though.

i still suffer from the 'i am awkward' syndrome.

if that can even qualify as a syndrome?
i'm sure it could in my case.
turns out, we have our first fhe tonight!
even more opportunity to be awkward.
can't wait.

bulletins - 9

your talent is god's gift to you.

what you do with it is your gift back to god.

anonymous

dreams seem so far away. and other times, just right around the corner.

i have flowers on my table,
a beautiful apartment that is probably the same size as my romanian one, though infinitely nicer.
a heavenly father that loves me,
a bed to sleep in,
a family to call my own that loves me, cares for me, and held me as a baby,
the opportunity for an exceptional education, one that will make a difference someday,

and yet i don't feel happy.
i feel uneasy and unsettled,
and i don't know why.
and it makes me nervous.

i've spent my day reliving romania in my head.
mostly because that's the whole point of our paper of reflection, a paper i've set aside today towards writing.
i knew this would happen when writing it and reliving it.
that i'd experience every emotion of romania all over again.
the thrills, the heartbreaks, the joys, the frustrations, the overwhelming love.
even when i was in church, i was rarely there.
physically, maybe. but mentally, i've been everywhere today.
it's emotionally exhausting.
especially because once it is done, romania is done.
when i turn this portfolio in, the romania chapter of my life has officially closed.

i don't know what it is.
i don't know why i feel so unsettled.
like i'm missing something.
or something hasn't happened yet, but is going to soon.
i hope someone is loving my babes for me.
i miss all that time spent forgetting myself, lost in [that] work.
college life is filled with too much thinking about just myself.
i need some babies to hold and some sweat dripping down every part of my body like a river.
some hills to climb, some staircases to climb.
painful, nauseating, and never-ending from floor to floor at times,
but ultimately leading to something more important than my weak body:
the precious babes.
with a willing spirit, even the weakest of flesh can climb mountains.

why am i so unsettled and uneasy?
why don't i feel happy?
i feel like i'm waiting for something. but i don't know what i'm waiting for, or for how long.
will these next two semesters really be filled with just the monotony of school and working two jobs?
biding time before another adventure?
i hope not.
and yet, i see nothing grandiose within my life in these next two semesters.
after that, perhaps.
but these next two semesters? i feel the chance, and at the same time, the lack thereof.
i need some eternal perspective.
8 months isn't that long right? oh wait. a human being can be conceived and born in that time.
a little ball of a miracle.
8 months is an awfully long time before another summer.
shoot.

i can't figure out why. or what i should do to change this.
and it's highly disconcerting, because i'm generally quite a happy person, i'd say.
except now.

input, anyone?

bulletins - 8

there is no exercise better for the heart

than reaching down and lifting people up.

john andrew holmes, jr.

words of limbo.

i do realize this is the kajillionth time i've posted today. please bare with me. and try not to judge? though i realize that may be too much to ask at this point in my life.

sometimes in life, you realize it's saturday night, and you've spent a grand part of the day and night alone in your empty apartment cleaning and knocking out items on your to-do list. oh, no? never happened to you? so maybe it's just me. spending my time in the following ways:

- reading books for class that i just can't put down once i get started. ones that really make me think and be excited about what i'm learning. and excited about the future that comes with that learning.
- or skimming through blog world and pinterest, and then finding some things that are just plain inspiring.
- finding this song, and suddenly being in love with every other song he sings. they fit my mood just right.
- being ok with all the quality time i've spent with myself. and not realizing that it's probably not completely normal by typical p-town crazy, first-weekend-of-the-semester standards. but i kind of like it. i haven't had this much solitude in awhile now. well, i have, but i haven't. let me explain.
as i was thinking about it today, and how it could be viewed as sad that i spent my friday and saturday nights with just myself, i realized that i really don't think it is. the thing is, i've a lot of friends/acquaintances. whatever you'd like them to be called. but very few close friends. and even then, few people that i see/spend time with on a regular basis. especially during the busyness of school. i'm realizing that i'm at an awkward state of limbo in my life. and that's what this semester is so far: limbo. most everyone i know has found a spouse, a significant other, or a group of friendlings to spend all time with, but my life doesn't have that. not yet, anyway. i love people in general. interacting with them. learning about them. simple customer service sorts of interactions. it thrills me. but on a more personal level, i have very little of that. and i think i should be sad by that. and really, sometimes i am. knowing everyone is with their someone, as i spend the evening alone. not that i want to be or don't want to be. i just am. mostly, i know it's where i need to be. i'm at peace with the fact that my life is on hold for a moment before another grand adventure. and if that means going without a 'group' or significant other to spend my time with, then so be it. because in the end, it will all work out. of that i'm sure. it's just the in between times that can be awkward. and really, i don't mind it all that much. it's just who i am. it's the way my life is meant to be. like those times when everyone else is out spending time with their people. and i am in my room. reading. and writing. (i've realized i really like writing. the writing of thoughts and insights. the journal kind of writing. the meaningful kind. in case you never knew. thank you, romania.) and pondering the mysteries of the universe. i live a solitary life. surrounded by people, but still solitary all the same. does this make me sound pathetic? i hope not. more so, i just feel independent in the i'm-doing-my-own-thing sort of way. i feel as though i am different. and specifically, i don't know why or how. i just know i'm kind of different from the general population somehow. and that my life is/will be different. but lucky for me, occasionally there are paths that are similar in one respect or another. like being in my classes filled with just people in my major, people that are going the same route as me. i like observing the traits of the people that choose to be a comd major. they're fascinating, really. or other times, people let me play 3rd or 5th wheel and come along for the ride. something that is only fun with people you know well and love. which brings me to my next point.
- i'm really awkward in social situations. like, really awkward. i've always been awkward in large social situations. they're just not my thing. i've just had it magnified to me in the past week. i think i forgot for awhile, because i spent so much time being forced outside of my comfort zone this summer, and so much time in our small group. but now, i'm constantly surrounded by people i don't know. or people i do know with people i don't know in large groups. and i just turn awkward. new ward things that are meant as a mingling of sorts, where i know not a soul and have no roommate wingman? doesn't work for me. you don't know awkward till you've seen me in that place. i suddenly am on the playground in elementary school again. (you probably didn't know me in elementary school. about me and what i was like. well, yeah. that's another story for another day. but then again, i suppose part of me is still that person. and part of me was that person in jr.high and high school as well. hmm. that's for me to know, and you to not. for there are very few that i allow to know the real story of my life.) i turn into the girl observing and listening. and maybe even painfully shy at times. trying my hardest to put a smile on my face and say hello. but when people already know each other? well, there's little interest in more. general pleasantries are exchanged, of course. but that's the extent of it. i have a love/hate relationship with the necessity of a wingman to minimize awkward levels. for me, anyway. in a big and scary room of unknown, i mean. sometimes i hate byu wards. sometimes i love them. such is life. the point is, i'm bad at social situations. i once got to a point where i was used to it and was fine. but romania ruined me. i don't know how to interact with people anymore unless they're little and want to learn colors or numbers or songs in romanian. yeah.
does this all even make sense? i feel as though it's all just a stream of consciousness.

the moral of this story is: i feel isolated from the world lately. like i don't quite fit in with everyone else. not that i'm outcast. just that i don't quite have a spot yet. like the last cup in the cupboard, that never really fits. (hayley described it nicely here.) that reconciliation between the me i was before romania, and the me i've become since then.
i'm working on it. kind of.

i want to be alone. and i want people to notice me.

both at the same time.

thom yorke

quote and song previously linked found here. read the link to the guest post she wrote. you'll be glad you did.

and this reveals how creepy i am. i don't know this girl. i don't even remember how i found her blog.

but i love it.

just another peek into my life. now that you already know everything about me. and everything i think. (kind of.) i really should just use my journal more. but typing is faster than writing. and involves much less, if any, hand cramping.

someone please tell me i'm not pathetic?

anyway.

ems out.

versuri

sometimes while i clean my empty, roommate-less apartment, i have a voltaj binge. those happen every so often. member how we saw them in concert during the series of concerts put on by the cultural palace for free in iasi? well, we did. they were a hit. we enjoyed ourselves. and since then, our entire group, for the most part, absolutely loves i wanna be free. it's amazing how catchy it is. (the beginning is slightly weird. skip to 30 seconds in.) sometimes we'd walk down the street singing it. no bigs.
some other favorites that i listened to?

vara trecuta. (this one's for roslyn)

translation: last summer.

20 ani.

translation: 20 years old.

povestea oricui.

[this one is more fun live. singing the oh ohhs at the top of your lungs? best.]

translation: anyone's story.

msd2.

translation: [i have no idea. but they say iasi inside it! super fast between 1:32 and 1:33.]

and,

tot mai sus.

translation: all/everyone/everything higher.

so it's not by voltaj, but it was on the radio all the time for the second half of the summer.

and it was on the radio in the taxi as we rode to the airport. so fitting.

yeah. anyway. sometimes i miss romanian culture. a lot. voltaj binge. check. the bald guy is the lead singer. he's funny. this might be one of those 'you had to see them live while in romania' to actually enjoy it. it's fine. i miss adventure.

though i guess to really reflect romania you'd have to throw in some britney, ya bb, goodbye, and maybe enrique as well. because i think they just replayed those couple songs over and over. or all songs on radios in romania sound just like them. the techno-ey sound? yep. that's them. so if you wanted to know what is being listened to in romania, there you go. ha. [disclaimer: don't watch the videos for the last few. particularly britney or enrique. they're not so good. they were on kiss fm sometimes. the tv station that played music videos all day. yeah, let's just say: don't watch them. it's like the naked people in commercials on tv. it just happens in romania, and would not be permitted in america. just sayin. disclaimer finished.]

p.s. i just found the draft of a post i wrote and never published while in romania. one of the ones filled with reflection at the end of the summer, that i essentially mostly wrote in my head on the way home from the hospital one day while sweating up the hill. interesting. i think i'll just put it in my romania journal instead. if you wanted to read it? well, let me know i guess. but let's be real. no one really did. i'm just sayin. finding it was a lovely surprise.