notes from the underground--grad school edition, volume 15.

it's been six months since graduation.
five months since finishing my final externship.

i suppose it's time i finished up these gradnotes, eh?

i think for a long while there will be residual grad-school-related comments to be made.

i have commentary on side notes learned from classes.
i have commentary on how graduate school affected me.
i have commentary on the endings and beginnings and people inside of them.

but overall.
i've run out of steam.

this past summer i spent an inordinate amount of time unable to really process much.
i spent a lot of time moving around and traveling, but also a lot of time just being still.
and it was very good for me, though also hard in some ways.

it's been over two months now since i started my
real-life-grown-up-big-kid-salaried job.
and i've got to say--
it's a pretty good life.

it's late on a tuesday night right now.
husband is asleep in the other room, but i couldn't sleep.
that's how it happens sometimes, you know?
in the most unexpected and unlikely moments--
that's when my words start to come back to me.

i was at work until almost six,
though my contract is only 8-4.
it's not very often that i actually leave at 4,
but i honestly don't mind too much.
i like my job overall. i like the people i work with. i like the students. i like the community.
i don't mind too much.

we live a quiet life right now, and i must admit it's a relief from the chaos
of dating and engaged and newlyweds
on top of
grad school and externships and finding a job.

at last we get to settle into ourselves--
he and i as we, and he and i in our respective careers and ventures.
together and separate and together again.
that might not even make sense.
but in short it's this:
life is in a stage of relief.

i'm glad i went to graduate school.
i am.
i'm grateful for the professors, the clients, the supervisors.
i'm grateful for the classes, the tests, and the study.
i'm grateful because i did it.
i'm grateful because it matters.
and i'm grateful for what it allows me to do daily.
i'm grateful for the world it opens up to me.

and now, in the phase we're in right now.
i'm grateful most of all because,
as noah and the whale says:

day by day, old joy comes back to me.

you'll sing, day by day, old joy comes back to me.
forget the things that get away, don't dream of yesterday.

song of the day: old joy, noah and the whale.

whatever else anything is.
we're in a good place right now.

and.
this is as good of place as any to realize.

i think this blog has served its purpose.
i think it has reached its culmination.
so many years of musing and thinking and feeling and writing.

i started it around the time i graduated from high school--
laurs and i both did, engrossed in quite the love of blogs.
it's evolved immeasurably over the years,
as has my writing,
as have i.

and with that i say: 

it's time.

a new era of life, 

a new era of writing, 

a new era of memories.

and if you're interested in following along:

where i plan to record our story from courtship to wedding--

especially now that grandpa ray has passed away--

all the way through to daily life. 

now that i have more flexibility with my time, 

i so hope to return to writing again--in some form or fashion, 

even if just as a recording of our story to start. 

because.

i've been missing that deepheartsoul of mine.

the one that clings deeply to russian literature and nearly weeps over some pieces. 

the one that has words bubble up when in the car, doing dishes, or anywhere in between.

pieces of life that need to be expressed, 

even if they're parts that most people don't often speak of.

i've always loved digging deep inside to the raw and the real.

words that have never quite had a place to go for the past little while. 

i miss that part of me--

and hope to bring her home again.

along with the funny and light and twinkly parts of life.

come with me?

it's time to let go of

emily janette nevers

(with grand respect and reverence)

and say hello to

( emily janette christofferson )

does it help convince you if i share a darling photo

of the love that lets us share a (relatively-new-to-me) last name?

ps. yes. i'm also saying goodbye to blogger. 

it's been real, but kind of like high school--

after awhile, you've really just got to let go.

pps. i know there's not much there. yet. #powerofyetandgrowthmindsetandstuff

the flour, the rain, and the mouse.

i made brownies the other night.

it was just after 9 pm by that point, the evening winding down.
but then suddenly--i made brownies.

it's what i do when my life starts to get chaotic and feels like it's spinning too fast.
it's what i do when my stress levels start to rise, be it conscious or not.

because something about stirring brownies together brings a little bit of control back to me.

summer 2013 i made a lot of brownies.
i was in ukraine. (ha. member that? me neither.)
in abedinyoni, in an area that hadn't had missionaries for a long while.
and also i had two companions.
both of whom were new and six weeks apart.

not relevant right now, really.
just.
i made brownies.

because i love to watch the transition of the batter--
the way things change and thicken as you add the dry ingredients.
the way things swirl and spin,
all before they combine
with the addition of flour.

i went to the grocery store the other day.
husband is out of town,
(which on some trips is sometimes harder for me than i care to honestly admit.
when my shame and pride get talking.)
i went to the grocery store, and wandered for longer than i should have needed to.
is it possible to forget how to grocery shop?
i forgot where to even find certain things.

does growing up mean you learn how to grocery shop more effectively?
did i miss that class in adulting?
or does it mean you pay a little more for things you know are worth it--
without feeling bad for the cost being more?
even with consciously knowing it's worth it,
still being bothered because of habit to scour for the cheapest price possible?

i like my job.
i do.
i may not be good at a lot of aspects of adulthood,
our new space may be a chaotic mess with boxes and piles everywhere still.
but i like my job.
i like the community itself while still having the autonomy of my position.
i like the variety of older 5th graders mixed with preschoolers.

i'm good at it--most parts at least, considering how new i am.
i'm good at being organized and making sure things get done.
i'm good at writing and usually fairly good with people.
i'm good with kids and can usually charm even the most skeptical of littles.

the weather is turning.
the first cold days always throw me around like a leaf in the wind.
but tonight the rain keeps coming down.
and there's something soothing and grounding in that.

there's nothing quite like a cold, rainy night as the season first starts to turn,
to engulf you with the most perplexing warmth and stability.

then again, i think i just saw a mouse scurry out of the corner of my eye.
(i'm not quite ready for this adulting.)

she pours a daydream in a cup, 

a spoon of sugar sweetens up.

and she fights for her life as she puts on her coat,

and she fights for her life on the train.

she looks at the rain as it pours.

she fights for her life as she goes in a store

with a thought she has caught by a thread,

she pays for the bread

and she goes.

nobody knows.

sun been down for days,

a winter melody she plays.

song of the day: 

her morning elegance, oren lavie.

everyone certainly would believe in nothing but love.

“i love you much (most beautiful darling)

more than anyone on the earth and i

like you better than everything in the sky

—sunlight and singing welcome your coming

although winter may be everywhere

with such a silence and such a darkness

noone can quite begin to guess

(except my life) the true time of year—

and if what calls itself a world should have

the luck to hear such singing (or glimpse such

sunlight as will leap higher than high

through gayer than gayest someone’s heart at your each

nearness) everyone certainly would (my

most beautiful darling) believe in nothing but love”

-- e.e. cummings

the aphonic master krem.

just a little stream of things:

i lost my voice this week.
i don't mean metaphorically.
and i don't mean in the way people say when they usually are sick and lose their voice.
i mean--
i quite literally could not even make sounds.
at first i could occasionally squeak out words.
by that evening, i couldn't even do that.
and for two and a half full days,
i had no voice whatsoever.
only in pieces did it come back--
not in voice, but in sound.
only if i tried incredibly hard.
it stayed like that for another two days.
before today.
today it sounds like what people usually mean when they say,
i lost my voice.

aphonic is used to describe a complete absence of sound.
given that last year i had an entire course on voice disorders,
i was incredibly paranoid when i was met with experiencing complete and total aphonia.

suffice it to say,
my voice is finally coming back.
just a bad case of laryngitis.

(and for your viewing pleasure,
the video i sent husband while he was at work on friday afternoon.
because any kind of scratchy was huge progress from complete lack of sound.
obvsi.)

that said,
it did provide me with immense compassion and empathy
for those who must always use AAC to communicate.
of how frustrating it is when it takes added time.
how frustrating to be behind the conversation,
because it takes time to write anything out.
(i spent multiple days using typing on my phone
and having my phone speak it as my sole means of verbal expression.
side note: the verbal descriptions of emojis are hilarious.)
because.
all words matter.
and everyone deserves to have a voice--
regardless of what form that voice takes.

- - - - -

i made the most delicious chocolate chip cookies this week.
usually i'm not very good at the actual making of cookies part.
but they were so good!
10/10 would recommend.
also,
while doing so i started watching a couple episodes of
the great british baking show.
ummm.
it's fine, it's the most delightful thing in the world.
i know i'm late to this party.
but it's wonderful.

- - - - -

also, i watched the netflix version of anne of green gables that just came out.
anne with an e.
i mean.
i loved it, in the end.
but it's so different from the other movies.
a bit more grim, and i think it takes the bleakness a bit too far sometimes.
also, anne is capital a annoying at the beginning.
not just precocious, but straight-up annoying.
she mellows a bit, though.
and. overall.
i liked it.
also.
anne getting her period for the first time is the
most hilarious and most accurate representation of
how to feel about periods that i've ever seen.

- - - - -

speaking of anne.
the anne to my diana is coming over this afternoon.
sometimes when megs is coming to utah county she stops and visits me on sunday afternoons.
it's the best.
do love my megs.
also, she informed me there's a new broadway musical recently made based on war and peace.
we especially love this song from pierre.
and also. josh groban. heart eyes.

- - - - -

my externship ends this coming week.
funny because last week i was only there for 1.5 of 4 days.
#itsgoinggreatthanks
also the headstart preschoolers had their last day on the 18th!
shame i won't get to see them again.
i should write more gradschool notes to catch up sometime.
there is even so very much to say.

- - - - -

speaking of things to write.
i've started writing kreminate's love story.
it's mostly for me more than anyone else.
and will probably have details that no one else cares much about.
but alas.
even beginning to write.

- - - - -

my laptop is falling apart.
but.
it made it through all of college and a jaunt to romania!
for an early 2009 computer, it's definitely going the way of the wind.
but.
hanging in there.
and has served its good purposes.
yay for making it through grad school!

- - - - -

we still have twinkle lights up in our living room and it still delights me to none end.

- - - - -

started writing thank you cards for the wedding!
who's proud?
i sure am.

- - - - -

i'm having a phase with putting my hair in braids or little bun pigtails.
like. two braids coming down,
or two little buns at the nape of my neck.
i look like i'm twelve,
especially with already having a young face.
but there's just something darling and fun about it.
so i keep doing it.
husband ain't complaining.
(because i'm adorable, obvsi.)

- - - - -

i'm also having a jonsi phase.
in terms of music, you know?
i don't listen to music much anymore.
but.
i'm having a jonsi phase.
also!
regina.
a serious regina phase, too.
and.
just a fun maytime playlist i've been compiling.
also, husband doesn't like mumford & sons.
clearly i'm still working on forgiving him for this.
hahaaaa. kidding. mostly.

- - - - -

there's a rose bush in our front yard, right by where we park in the driveway.
it's a hilarious and lovely collection.
some magenta roses, some pink, an oddball yellow one.
i love it.
we like our basement apartment that isn't completely underground.

- - - - -

happy sabbath.
here's to hoping i'm done being sick now for awhile,
seeing as i've been sick most of the past two months.
(loudly crying face. distraught face.)
i blame the children. and also decompressing from so much stress and flurry.

- - - - -

oh.
p.s. i graduated!
you may now refer to me always as master em.
or just em.
that's cool, too, i guess.

hallelujah--you're home.

songs of the day: the light, regina spektor / supermarket flowers, ed sheeran / shake it out, florence + the machine / the wind, cat stevens / the first days of spring, noah and the whale.
[see also, these playlists: one and two.]

i went for a jog in my new neighborhood for the first time tonight. i've meant to do so on multiple occasions, but amidst the chaos of externship, the wedding, being newly married, new externship, and getting sick (among other things), it hadn't happened yet. not on my own, anyway. [not that i don't love my hubbers, obvsi. just that i also need/love my occasional alone time.] i made a little round towards a park near where we live--the park we walked to once on a lovely autumn sunday afternoon while engaged, the park we played tennis at with trey and johnnie a few weeks ago, the park we played tennis at together a couple mondays ago, the park just a part of a mile away. the park with pieces of this new home and life of mine.

i used to go swinging fairly frequently while i was still living in provo after my mission. i'd go with jillian. i'd go with megs. i'd go with others. i'd go alone. more often than not, when i went for a jog, somehow i always ended up stumbling into swings as my destination before turning around again. i love swings. i love the way they center my soul. i love feeling the wind course through me. i love soaring towards the sky.

there's been a fair amount of upheaval in the past few years. in ukraine alone, i hardly ever stayed places more than a couple of months. semesters to semesters. graduating from college. moving on to graduate school. amidst all of this living in a few different places. a time of transition, i know--these tumultuous twenties. and with that comes the constant restlessness and unsettled nature of seeking with all your might to find a home for your heart--wondering at times if it would ever be possible to find someone. does anybody know how to hold my heart? sara b was always such an important voice for those years.

on this night, though, as i swung through the wind in the quiet of a monday evening, i felt my soul starting to catch up with my body. when discussing chekhov and grief, i had a russian professor a couple of years ago who referenced the suggestion that it takes around 6 weeks for your soul to catch up with your body. it's been just over 6 weeks since the day i became a wife and my husband became mine forever. and as i rounded the corner with some ed sheeran in my ears, my soul catching up turned to a conscious realization: i'm home. my heart and my soul have a home in this place with this person. and on this, the first chance i've really had to be on my own and let my life seep into me, i was overwhelmed with the purest, most satisfying contentment that exists--the contentment that has reigned much since dating nate, but especially since getting engaged. because my heart can finally rest for a time as school winds down (and therefore life calms down), enough to let me look around to see and smell the blossoms of this life of love.


i think i'll go shnuggle my husband now.
because as i listen to the wind on my soul,
this is what i hear:
hallelujah--
i'm home.

notes from the underground--grad school edition, volume 14.

the past few months have been a whirlwind, if ever there was one.

at long last, though, i think the winds are calming.

march 10th:

i finished a 10-week medical externship that began at the beginning of the year.

(and kicked my trash.)

it was an immense opportunity for learning and growth.

(and sometimes it was just excruciating 

given my lack of experience, lack of exposure, and what felt like overall incompetence.) 

that said,

in my last two weeks i started to hit my stride--relatively speaking.

and it was sincerely such a good opportunity.

my eyes were opened to a whole new world of understanding.

i was working with adults with neurocognitive communication disorders--

strokes, traumatic brain injuries, cancer, etc.

i learned a lot about cognition.

(and a looooot about cognitive strategies.)

it was remarkable to watch progress,

and to see people experience really significant changes in their lives.

it was also heartbreaking to witness the frustration of the given difficulty.

i led a book club for patients/former patients while i was there, 

and though i probably won't be working in this setting or with this population in the future,

i'm grateful that it happened.

and to have had the opportunity to work with so very many remarkable people.

furthermore, it was enlightening 

to be so thoroughly exposed to individuals who had experienced a traumatic brain injury--

an invisible struggle that infiltrates so much of everyday life. 

i wish a larger proportion of the general population was educated regarding brain injuries,

that more people were more compassionate towards those who have experienced a brain injury.

i learned so much about compassion.

compassion for others.

compassion for oneself.

giving people the benefit of the doubt.

seeking to dig inside their day-to-day functioning.

the learning curve was steep, but still i climbed that slope.

and.

i was relieved to just make it through.

cognitive therapy is so important and so beneficial.

but doing cognitive therapy is not my career jamboree.

there's probably so much more i could say about this medical externship of mine.

but for now i'm just not quite sure how.

and so we'll leave it be with this:

i'm glad it happened and for all that i learned (more here and here),

though i'm glad that i'm now in a place more suited to my own aptitudes.

march 13th:

i started my school externship at an elementary school.

it's kindergarten through 5th grade, though they also house a headstart preschool.

so i work with prek-5th graders.

it's the best thing.

i adore it all.

for awhile i was wondering if i needed to find a new profession,

come to find out i just hadn't quite found my place yet.

until now.

i love this setting.

i love these kids.

i love this role.

i love this work.

the learning curve wasn't so steep this time.

it's only been three weeks, 

but it feels ever so much longer--in the best way.

i took over most of the caseload by the third day.

the rest starting on week two.

and i don't even mind.

i'll write more someday about all this,

but suffice it to say:

i love every second.

even the worst days are not really that bad.

i almost wept on the first day with how good it was.

sometimes i almost feel bad with how good life is right now.

but instead of feeling bad,

i plan to enjoy the ride and soak it all in.

it's a good life, you know?

it's a really good life.

as of a week and a half ago my last class is over.

i took the last final i'll ever take,

and am done with all formal college courses.

(CEUs are a different matter--and not nearly so intense.)

it was rough to have the class mostly coinciding with the first 10 weeks--

with the weeks that kicked my trash 

and drained every ounce of energy from me 

because of their intensity.

but hey. c'est la vie, right?

is what it is. and now it's over.

go team go. and i think i'm mostly still kind of standing.

after all these years--

classes and papers and tests and presentations and projects, oh my--

i really am almost done.

feel free to start prepping yourself 

mentally and emotionally for calling me 

master

master em

master krem

master emily

master mrs.christofferson.

oh, yeah.

and by the way.

in the middle of that intensely grueling 10-week medical externship?

i up and got married, 

thereby joining the christofferson clan.

(haaha. and by up and got married, i mean after over 14 months together we finally wed.)

more on that later--because i really do wish to start writing again.

(spoiler alert: it's the best thing, this marriage thing.)

happy (almost) start of april.

just look what the wind blew in.

in lieu of everything i wish i had time/energy to write about:

some words from e.e. cummings about the very best thing in my life right now will have to do.

(and because hearteyes, right?)

silently if, out of not knowable

night’s utmost nothing, wanders a little guess

(only which is this world) more of my life does

not leap than with the mystery your smile

sings or if (spiraling as luminous

they climb oblivion)voices who are dreams,

less into heaven certainly earth swims

than each my deeper death becomes your kiss

losing through you what seemed myself;i find

selves unimaginably mine;beyond

sorrow’s own joys and hoping’s very fears

yours is the light by which my spirit’s born:

yours is the darkness of my soul’s return

–you are my sun, my moon, and all my stars

--e.e cummings