vive l'ukraine!

member that one time i wore a ukrainian flag to church unintentionally?

yeah, me too.

things not known.

"As with many people, Charles,

who could not talk, wrote with fullness.

He set down his loneliness and his perplexities,

and he put on paper many things he did not know about himself."

John Steinback, East of Eden

two+one.

there's something about birthdays that gives cause for reflection. a whole year has come and gone since being (miserably sick) on my birthday while in romania. the beginning of more than one eastern european birthday, though i didn't know it at the time. except next time around, i won't get birthday skype dates. buuut i'm pretty sure i'll live. because i'll be in ukraine!
however, seeing as lately i've been less than successful at any attempts to be eloquently reflective, i'll give pictures of birthday things instead. the weekend meant shopping for mission things with my momma (plus a new obsession with burgers with pineapple on them. where have they been all my life? why did i never think of that?) and a birthday family dinner for kenzie and myself (her birthday was may 21st, mine may 29th.)

you know you're turning 21 and going on a mission when most your gifts are mission-related.
my family is so cool.

anyways. i played my violin for awhile on memorial day, decided what i'm playing at my farewell (six weeks from today! wicki whaa?), got two dozen gorgeous roses from my mama. [which now have opened up and blossomed and become completely stunning.] all of this before my real birthday! amazing, really.

on my real birthday, i woke up to HILARIOUS signs all over our apartment from lauren rose (like, we're so funny. we should have our own tv show. and sorry, i forgot to take any pictures. oopsay.) and was off to renew my driver's license! oh, the woes. but it was quick and easy. and can we just talk about how may 29th was the most beautiful day?? needless to say, i spent the rest of the day at work, including my lunch hour. which consisted of getting hilarious texts from soul sister (not to mention she came out of her blogging hiatus just for me! luhhh her.) and watching my emails as so many people wrote on my fbook wall. (we all know how that goes. people you never talk to? oh, it's fine. happy birthday. whatere.) including some very hilarious ones. obviously, i have hilarious friends. or maybe i'm just weird to think they're hilarious? same difference. and then there was the moment my coworkers realized it was my birthday. that was funny too. like that other time i surprised them with my mission call. haaahahahaha.
(the day after, one of them made birthday cookies for me and they all signed a card and came in and surprise-sung to me! they're so great. minus the awkward moment when like 12 people are standing there staring at you and singing at you. supes awks.) anyway. the best.

in the evening i came home to a chocolate cake lauren rose made! but before lighting it and eating it, we first went to din din at red robin. mmmmm. and then exploded from fullness. like, we literally exploded. it happened. you should have been there to see.

best roommate ever.

did i mention my new obsession with burgers with pineapple? i heart pineapple. 

free dessert from red robin? don't mind if we do. maybe that could have contributed to exploding. holy hannah.

member how may 29th was the most BEAUTIFUL day??
outside of the fact, or maybe because of the fact, that it's my birthday,
end of april/may/juneish really is my favorite time of year.

after din din, we watched hitch for a bit to come out of our food comas. then later in the evening, we lit the cake! (and ate it too.) pyros of the world: unite.

please note the birthday signs. :) ahaha.

roommates!

in other words,

i have the greatest friends and family ever.

i'm not a huge birthday person. mostly cause it's kind of silly and awkward and only once a year.

good thing i have such great people in my life willing to make me feel special all day long.

happy 21 to me!

now that i'm 21, i can go to bars and stuff. or go on a mission.

lauren says i probably shouldn't mix them.

we shall see.

we all have our moments of brilliance and glory.

and this, was mine [and cortney's].

guess what happened today?

at 9:52 am.

just take a little look at the time. 9.52.42.

just a day after really talking about it, this glorious moment came to pass!!
(in case you didn't know, we process the instructor-graded lessons of the students in independent study courses,
submitting them and passing them on to instructors.)

it's probably ridiculous how exciting of a moment it was.
exact. same. second.
like, cortney and i got dang excited.
it's fine. it makes us feel official at our job.
we are winners. magicians.

happy graduation day to every-single-dang-procrastinating-high-school-kid-in-america!
aha. ha.
kids these days.

i might be going through a bit of a phase.

and by phase, i mean my whole life.

i want to rewatch them. alll of them. slash reread them.

and lotr. those too. my supervisor and i were talking the other day about how great those movies are.

sights set high, i know.
but cooomee onnnn!



i need a more planned out life.

proofs.

so here's the thing, i quoted west wing at work today. that awkward moment when your coworker doesn't even know what you're talking about? yeah. it happened. i drink from the keg of glory, donna. bring me the finest muffins and bagels in all the land! we cancelled a lesson ten seconds apart from each other. like, how cool are we? so we're just holding out for the day we do so or submit something literally at the same second it'll happen one day, people. and we'll have chocolate to celebrate. (and the finest muffins and bagels in all the land, of course.)

obviously my days are really exciting. aha. ha. oh wait.

they're about as average as you can get. minus a papanasi date a few weeks ago with kylee.

it's fine, she's like many inches taller than me. and wayyy more fashionable.

but i love her, so i guess it's okay.

speaking of fashion sense, or the lack thereof, i turn twenty-one in less than a week. less than a week, people. and based on how i feel about my closet this week slash the past forever, you would think i was twelve. maybe fourteen, on a good day. i feel like being twenty one is one of those ages where you have to start looking the part. dang, gena.

or, another out of average experience was that time lauren rose and i went to a play. we went to a play on friday night! (this shows how cool slash pathetic we usually are.) we went to the secret garden with my grandparents and it was just plain lovely. and the man playing archibald and his performance of lily's eyes? well, neither of our pairs of eyes were dry for the entire evening. it's fine. have i ever mentioned how much i love the secret garden? i loved the book when i was little. the movie. and the musical. ohhh that music. most excellent. like, the recordings don't even do it justice.

or there was that time i had dinner with the famous natalie. like, i'm honored to just be in her presence, really. and she shared all her wisdom and i gained a newfound respect for her entire life, moreso than before.

or another time i had lunch with the legendary freshman roommate courtney renee.

it happened. i miss that girl. it's been too long.

member that time there was a slight scare that i'd have five more free weeks than originally planned? don't worry, nipped that one in the bud real darn quick. but that's bound to keep you on your toes.

so here's the thing. i should probably be fired from this whole, mission prep thing. i'm really bad at it. today i told laur i should set goals like watching a season or two of west wing completely before i go (my quoting it today inspired me) or a harry potter marathon or something. and then she told me i'm really setting my sights high. shoooooot. sure beats things like shopping that i haven't done yet or planning i haven't done.

i really should make a list of all these little things to be done.

like writing a letter to a person from my past. / finishing slash starting (shhh) my birthday gift for laurs. yes, her birthday was a month ago. i'm over it. / making a commitment and actually start buying outfits for the mish-it's fine, i don't want to look like an idiot, okay? we all know the story behind sista missionaries. i refuse to be the one everyone is embarrassed by. hellooooo, we want a nice face for the church out there in the yonder regions of ukraine, amirightoramiright? / or we could mention the sorting of my apartment and preparing to move out. / oh. and the grocery store? what's that? (jokes. ha. kind of. except not.) [except for the time i went to costco with sherry and came out with a pineapple. yes, i bought a pineapple. did you know i love pineapple. i love pineapple. so it's fine.]

but here's the real thing: having it be a holiday weekend and birthday weekend on top of that gives me all the more reason to put all these important things off or to do them as i please.

or not do them. it's the same thing, right?

in case you haven't noticed, i need to be legitimately in the mtc on my way to being in ukraine like, yesterday.

living in provo is cool and all. but i'm ready for adventure in the great wide somewhere, you know?

(nevermind the fact that the great adventure begins with 11 weeks of captivity in insanity land of the mtc.)

more west wing hilarity right over here. you're welcome. never mock the finely honed sense.

"i have a confession, mr. president. i never voted for you.

welp, thanks for trying. but i'm still here."

okay, so maybe the west wing is a my family thing?

it's like whatever.

mais moi je ne t'oublierai pas.

aujourd'hui j'ai discuté avec mon chef un peu de mon expérience avec le français. (et l'un fois que j'ai fait tout un cours en-ligne pendant deux semaines: en d'autres mots? L'ENFER.) lequel m'a fait pensé à mon parcours complet. quel parcours. il était un fois que je connaissais le français comme un vieux ami. pratiquement couramment. mais non plus. j'ai eu un séjour en roumanie et avec le roumain. et maintenant je vais apprendre le russe. qu'est-ce que c'est ce que je fait? même moi, je ne sais pas. deux cours plus. deux. mais je suis sûr que je échouerais si je essayais. et il faut que je m'intéresser surtout à mon mission. et ça me blesse un peu. mais au même temps, je sais que c'est mieux comme ça. c'est mieux.

via.

mais de temps en temps, je pense à la langue française et moi.

de temps en temps.

best work email ever received.

best, right?

people's reactions are so great.

 share a little love and happiness.

win.

fishy business.

meet the newest members of our apartment!

oh, yes. we named them too.

 we started with two japanese looking white and red goldfish, named jacob and rachel.

(purchased the night before marky left for africa. and thus he named them.)

well, needless to say: they died.

so, of course, lauren rose replaced them with new ones!

of course.

 the next batch was five goldfish.

jacob (jake, jr.), rachel, bubba, lucita, and george the manly.

(lauren named jacob and rachel, i named bubba, and mark named lucita and george from africa.)

the blurry one at the top left is bubba. the baby littlest one. :)

[my favorite. don't tell the others.]

the one beneath bubba that's a little bigger? that's lucita.

rachel has the white tail, and a white nose that you can't see.

jake, jr. has a black dorsal fin.

george the manly proved to be the least manly. he's the one floating at the top.

jake, jr. and bubba!

our fish are friends. they hang out together. and are much more exciting than the ones we started with.

unfortunately, there's been a few deaths since these photos were taken a week ago.

rip. george the manly, bubba, and rachel.

livestrong, jakey and lucita!

baahaha. how cool are we?

truths and honesty.

if i were into being completely and honestly truthful lately, there are a few things i would tell you. say we were sitting down to chat, dear reader. you and i in a quaint little bakery or cafe, or walking through a park. say you asked me to tell you about me and my life lately, and i was sworn to an oath of truth-telling and complete openness.

+ i would tell you how hard things have been lately. how much of a battle so many small moments can be.
+ i would tell you how i go to the temple, sometimes multiple times in one week, not in a desire to be ultra good or righteous, but in an act of desperation, feeling it as one of the few things that i'm capable of doing to combat the powers being actively exerted against me.
+ i would tell you how, no matter how hard i try to force my mind to be happy, there were multiple days in a row this week that i knew it was a lie, especially to myself. a lie that no one knew. but i wasn't really happy. and i didn't have a reason why. i just wasn't.

+ i would tell you that i feel like a failure with the decision to forego the french minor. that i feel frustrated when people question this decision with only two classes left, frustrated that they don't know what those classes would entail, and how much effort is involved in knowing or not knowing a language, particularly in my odd situations with languages lately. some people look at languages like an on/off switch that works like magic once you know it, failing to realize how quickly skills are lost. much quicker than they can ever be regained, especially when built on a less-than steady foundation.

+ i would tell you that i feel like a quitter for cancelling my gre registration to take it before leaving. i know it's for the best, but i can't help but still feel like a flake for signing up and then backing out 10 days before i was supposed to take it.
+ i would tell you about how i was frustrated with myself this week. because i recognized my uneasiness and unhappiness, and despite my active efforts to combat it, there were several days in a row that would have no such thing--despite bits of sunlight and earnest pleading for relief.
+ i would tell you that there is true power to be found in the temple, though not always as first expected or when first expected. and i would tell you how much it pains me when i see people turn their back on what has been revealed to them. because i sincerely don't understand how someone could, but at the same time, i completely do understand--and maybe that scares me.

+ i would tell you about the pure happiness that comes in having a second family named the wertz's. i would tell you about how melissa so willingly offered to go with me to the temple, and how she encouraged me even when i almost gave up on making it on time. if nothing else, that drive to and from salt lake was everything i needed. add in the time in the temple with melissa, the time in the celestial room with the wertz parentals, the dinner we shared, followed by joining will and laur for ice cream? well, that's called free family therapy, even when they have no idea of the effect their constant love and welcome has on me.
+ i would tell you about how much i savor the little moments, like laughter with lauren rose, sunny mornings, funny chats with my supervisor or my coworkers, gchatting with stevie and laurs, talking to our pet fish (oh yes, we have fish. goldfish.), or going to a musical with my grandparents that may have brought me near tears a few times.
+ i would tell you about how annoying, and yet slightly amusing, the stupid traffic school sort of thing i had to go to was. but, if we're still being honest, nothing can stay slightly amusing for four. straight. hours.
+ i would tell you about how alone i've felt lately, even--or maybe more especially--when surrounded by other people.
+ i would tell you about how ready i am to be gone, needing this next step in my life to begin. and about how out of control giddy and excited i get on occasion. other times, i just get near tears wayyy too easily with the weirdest things that cause it.
+ i would tell you about how i feel completely lost in this place in my life that i've never been in before, but despite this, about how surrounded i've been with tender mercies while in the process of making a new map for this unblazed road i'm on.
+ i would tell you about the tinge of sadness inside me that my time mentoring grace is now over, and how i'll look back on the past two years i've spent with her with incredible fondness and appreciation.
+ i would tell you about how much happier i've been on a few occasions lately. after spending time with my immediate family, or after my evening with the wertz's. and how weekends are a welcome relief.
+ i would tell you about the completely odd and irrational fears i have when it comes to my mission and being a sister missionary. or about my commitment issues with making any mission purchase.
+ i would tell you about how the past week or two, i can't stop thinking about the future right after i get home from my mission. and about my future someday hubby (and i'd hate myself for even being that girl and completely acknowledge how dumb i am as i told you this).
+ i would tell you about the healing and happiness that has consumed me, starting last night and today. and how much i hope it lasts. i would tell you how these are all things i'd never say, because i don't want pity. i just want understanding. and i want happiness and peace. something that at last is becoming fulfilled.

all of this, of course, in the entirely hypothetical situation in which i'd be completely honest.

something i'd never do when talking to a human soul and in a situation we're not in.

completely hypothetical, my dear reader.

truth.

s&k {part two}

[ the first celebration. ]

the evening of april 21st, a wedding dinner with mostly just family was held at thanksgiving point. yes, it was in the middle of the tulip festival. yes, it was completely beautiful. cousins were recruited as aids, roommate lauren rose was hired for her quartet, the slaved-over interview video was played, and the evening went off without a hitch.

a photo of the photo displayed at the wedding dinner. it's even prettier in person.

sherry fixing the falling-out hair.

mikey is so cool. he has to beat the women off with a stick. 

erik and mark!

on the left is lauren rose. my roommate. how cool is she??

the bride's bouquet.

steve. in the car, with the girl. driving off into the sunset.

don't even worry, i only have one more round of pictures about the wedding.

the texas adventure!

next stop, sugarland.

word, tevye. WORD.

missions are expensive. fact.

cold weather missions even moreso, i think.

would it spoil some vast eternal plan?

ya ba de ba ya ba de ba de be dum.

baha. word, tevye. word. that's all i have to say about that.

they have the right to think you're perfect.

i stumbled upon this little (long) talk today while at work. and yes, i'm posting the talk in its entirety because it's just that good. no one says things quite like holland does, and maybe it's just what i needed to read and hear today. i'm feeling like a quitter today. as of today i'm just adding to the list of things that i've given up on, for now anyway, in my life recently. i'm feeling less than adequate. i'm feeling like, why couldn't i be one of those girls that just gets married? that life sounds so much easier than going on a mission and then getting married. the devil's in the details. and he's working a number on me. to discourage me. to get me to stop. to get me to give up. to keep me from this important work. not just important in a general eternal scheme, but important in my eternal scheme.

so maybe i'm not a missionary yet. and i'm not going to the brazil mtc. but i'm quite one track-minded lately thinking about the mish and trying to prepare. and i know these words are so much more applicable than just to me. i'm going to ukraine. and i'm going to make a difference, even if the only difference i ever make is in me.

[but maybe i shouldn't decide to read this while at work. because i teared up multiple times (which maybe means practically every other sentence) and read it with quite a few interruptions going back and forth from emails coming in to reading it. worth it.]

so i don't care if you read it now, later, or with a million and one interruptions and it takes you all day.

just read it. because no one says it quite like holland does. right here, right now. no one.

because it's not so much what he says, but the spirit, power, and testimony saturating every word.

you won't regret it, despite the length.

just read it. and feel free to laugh and cry. i sure did.

[disclaimer: this is not an official transcript. i found it online here.]

the miracle of a mission.

elder jeffrey r. holland

brazil ctm / october 28, 2000

mama mea. ma mère. mommy.

to the woman who raised me.

the woman who gave me black hair with an auburn tint in the sunlight // the woman who gave me a cowlick at the back of my head // the woman who gave me the tendency to be a planner and an obsession with making lists // the woman who talks to me about things and deals with my occasional snarkiness // the woman who trusts me and thinks i'm more capable than i think i am // the woman who i know feels the most sympathy when she says, 'bless her heart' // the woman who makes more sacrifices than anyone i know for the good of her children // the woman who somehow survived mine, doug, and steven's childhoods without too many nervous breakdowns [this alone is the greatest of feats] // the woman who has a thing for art and music, and the skills as well // the woman who gives a perfect example of the power and importance of a woman's education in raising children, and the capability of women to succeed in a predominantly male subject // the woman who has an associate's degree, bachelor's degree, and juris doctorate [translation: she's not going to put up with your bologna. and she'll give you a dang good reason why not.] // the woman who may not be the greatest with new technology, but she'll be darned if she doesn't die trying // the woman who gave me ankles that swell and weak joints // the woman who mentally runs circles around most other women in relief society or any of her book groups, but goes and smiles and says hello anyway // the woman who plays the piano like a maestro, though most people don't realize how good she really is (she's good. dang good.) // the woman who somehow helps me avoid having too many unnecessary nervous breakdowns // the woman who came to me in the middle of the night when i'd wake up screaming because i was sick and throwing up, or because the shadows looked like monsters that could have killed me. (cause they probably could have, naturally.) // the woman who wisely sees past anything i may be saying in words to what i'm really feeling or thinking.
to the woman who gave me any capability or brains or any ability to reason that i may ever hope to have.

i can't lie to anyone and say we're the picture perfect, quintessential mother and daughter duo. during priesthood our mother daughter nights tended to be less than fancy, with a whole lot of work inbetween. we had our years where we didn't see eye to eye, to put it mildly. but through that, i can look back and see how strong of a woman my mother is, and all that she's done for my own personal benefit. schooling, romania, random expenses, insurance. money, yes. but also reasoning through things. making decisions. reaching destinations. planning for what it takes to get to where i want to be. she is the penultimate example of a strong woman who has done it all, and has the education to back up anything she does. so yeah, we've had our fights. but somehow, somewhere along the lines, we moved forwards. and then one day, there wasn't any tension. and it was just like i'd always imagined a mother-daughter duo to be. talking like friends, not like a child and her mother. but still maintaining that wisdom that mothers get. that wisdom of knowing that she's human and makes mistakes, but will always do the best for her children.

here's to you, mom. you inspire me daily, and work harder than anyone this world has known.

love you, mommy. te iubesc, mama. je t'aime, maman.
happy mother's day!

cookies. bye, bye.

mostly cause i think i'm cool.
and lauren rose makes adorable cookies.
and puts my name on one.
right? best.

s&k {part one}

[ the sealing. ]

april the twenty-first, two-thousand and twelve.

april 21, 2012

4.21.12

technically, the festivities began the night before, april 20, 2012, with a family wedding dinner at grandma b's house. yummy food, meeting families, and a preview of the wedding video and growing up video. (though i'm pretty sure they wouldn't recommend graduation festivities, a wedding dinner, and a wedding all in the same week. just a guess.)

the wedding day itself, april 21, started as relaxing (there is wisdom in taking groomals before the day-of and scheduling a sealing for afternoon. wisdom, i tell you.), and then i spent some quality time eating cafe rio with the almost bride and groom before they zipped away to the draper, utah temple. and then i arrived at the temple and joined the masses in the waiting room before being lead up to the sealing room. (cousin mikey and i, the missionaries, got to attend the sealing! wiki-whaaaa? so. neat.) and because i'm special and immediate family and everything, despite being in the largest sealing room in practically the world (maybe not actually, but pretty close) i was on the front row, with an excellent view. the temple is such a lovely place. absolutely wonderful. and sealings are so powerful. simple, but powerful. i'm so grateful for such an opportunity in this life. someday. post mish life, of course. it was beautiful. just beautiful. and in those moments, i acquired another sister-in-love. win. [and everything else about a wedding seems completely stupid afterwards. but maybe that's just my opinion.]

these are their 'WE'RE ABOUT TO GET MARRIED! faces.

followed by the, 'WE JUST GOT MARRIED FOREVER!' faces.

excuse the awkward. it's prep for our mishes. (just go with it.)

shaaaaade. waiting for pictures is da best.

i mostly just like this picture because it's just so transparent and telling. haaa. 

the nevers name.

the nevers spread.

barrow family.

totes presh.

sil numba one!

there you go makin my heart beat again.

this is doug's 'i'm-humoring-you-with-one-last-picture-now-let's-get-outta-here' face.
and sherry's happy, 'i-love-pictures-i-want-more' face.

thus concludes the temple portion of this little event.

which could also be called the most important part.

everything else we did was icing on the cake.

literally, there was icing. and a cake.

but that's all more for another day. that is not today.

happy happy wedding day, steve and kenz!

i know you'll be on the edge of your seat waiting for more.

(haaahaha. i so funny.)