explosions of light in the sky.

( because i just really really love the fourth of july. )

don't you worry, there are stars up above.

put your dreams away for now,

i won't see you for sometime.

i am lost in my mind.

i get lost in my mind.

momma once told me,

you're already home where you feel loved,

i am lost in my mind.

i get lost in my mind.

don't you worry.

don't you worry about me.

cause there are stars up above.

(lost in my mind, the head and the heart.)

there's this article i read for my counseling class earlier this summer. there was a chart that went through different feelings that are experienced as a part of the reaction to having a child with a communication disorder. (or grief in general.) shock, anxiety, depression, anger, among others. and guilt. it defined the symptom of the feeling, a definition, the risk associated, and the potential value of the feeling itself. almost all of the feelings resulted in at least some kind of value. some kind of relief, release, comfort. all except for one: guilt.

Friehe, Bloedow, & Hesse (2003)*

i have a complicated relationship with guilt. starting with the fact that i hardly had experienced it prior to the age of 21. then whatever little boy had his finger in the dike to hold the sea of guilt back got distracted for a time, and thus ensued the deluge.

in some parts of ukraine, it nearly consumed me. nothing feeling enough. the weight of the world on our shoulders. the impossibility of it all. and who else could there be to blame than our own efforts? there wasn't a contingency plan for all the things that are entirely outside of anyone's control. what if we weren't doing enough? what if our best was still yet to be attained? how do you even define your best?

i've greatly improved over the past almost-four (ahhhh!) years. often i even forget altogether, really. but every once in awhile. it comes back. the immensity of imperfection within strivings. the immensity of the weight of trying to do the best possible thing in every circumstance.

quite frankly, it's been quite awhile since i've wrestled with this guilt in my bones. but earlier this week someone asked me to substitute for their sunday school class. i was asked on a thursday, which is always a rough day during summer. i'm always worn down and feeling like everything is impossible by that point in the week, but still having more to do before the week is complete. taking accidental naps like it's my day job, and buried in reading and planning and writing.

i know it's a seemingly little thing, but that one request triggered a string of guilt. you're supposed to say yes to opportunities to serve, right? it's supposed to be a wonderful opportunity to learn and grow, right? don't they always tell stories about the person who went the extra mile when they were already stretched too thin and now that's the moment that changed their life? like knocking on one more door as a missionary.

i'm not discrediting this principle. i'm really not. i saw the value time and time again, as a missionary choosing to talk to one more person or knock one more door, as well as in quotidian aspects of being alive, like choosing to do one more thing before hanging up your hat even though you're already exhausted. but you know what? sometimes that one more contact was someone who said things like, go home, yankee. sometimes that idea of one more article, part of a chart note, or whatever it may be, is enough to make you want to vomit. sometimes, you have to know your own limits and set your own boundaries.

and that's okay.
it's okay to say no.

it took me quite a reckoning (and a six hour delay in responding) to figure out how to say no when i didn't have a reason aside from: this-is-one-more-thing-that-will-break-my-back-if-i-try-to-say-yes. to reckon with the demons i crafted, though any of these ideas were never explicitly taught, in the culture in which i was raised that encouraged the virtue of compliance and helpfulness. but, i did it: i said no.

in the new testament there's a story of a woman with jesus in the midst of a crowd. this woman with an issue of blood sees jesus in a crowd and is filled with the hope and belief that if only she could touch even the smallest corner of his clothing, she could be healed. he was in the midst of a throng of people, on his way to heal the daughter of jairus, when this woman came through seeking healing and wholeness. it was jesus who noticed that she had touched his clothing. they were in the midst of a throng, and when jesus stopped and asked who touched him, peter gives a slightly dumbfounded response to comment on the crowd around them. but as recorded in the gospel of luke, Jesus said, Somebody hath touched me: for I perceive that virtue is gone out of me. (the account can be read in luke or in mark.) while there is much that can be gathered from the story of this woman and her faith, i love this story for a different reason: because of how jesus becomes aware. to perceive that virtue has gone out of him, doesn't that imply his own sense of self-awareness? to know oneself in order to recognize the fluctuations of energy and virtue going in and out? 

Healing a bleeding woman, the Catacombs of Rome

i think there's a valuable lesson in that. in the importance of knowing oneself. the importance of seeking to care for those around you, but also recognizing that everyone needs time and place to refresh and rejuvinate. even jesus had his moments in which he went up to a mountain to be alone, such as after feeding the five-thousand (see here or here).

and as we go through the process of all that being alive entails, there is solace in knowing, there's a place for taking time. there's a place for figuring out experiences by digging inside and walking around for awhile in them. and while going through life, there's great solace in knowing: there's little, if any, value in guilt.

"With the gift of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the strength of heaven to help us, we can improve, and the great thing about the gospel is we get credit for trying, even if we don’t always succeed. (...) We take some solace in the fact that if God were to reward only the perfectly faithful, He wouldn’t have much of a distribution list. Please remember tomorrow, and all the days after that, that the Lord blesses those who want to improve, who accept the need for commandments and try to keep them, who cherish Christlike virtues and strive to the best of their ability to acquire them. If you stumble in that pursuit, so does everyone; the Savior is there to help you keep going. If you fall, summon His strength."
--jeffrey r. holland, tomorrow the lord will do wonders among you.

rome never was built in a day, now was it? to each their own threshold of what can be handled at any given moment. and. you know what else? there's nothing wrong with saying no and giving no excuse whatsoever. because there's something to be said for knowing oneself. for being aware of where you are and what you can or want to do. and what i can do today may be different from what i can do tomorrow. because that's just life, you know?

all in the name of each having their own path,
and each knowing that path for themselves.
recognizing one's own abilities.
setting your own boundaries.
and knowing when to say no.

oh, and. it's okay. i won't judge if you say no to some social engagements simply because the 'being around people' quota for a day has been reached. me, too. (totally a real thing, amiright?)

give yourself a minute to get lost in your mind.
the stars of all your dreams will still be waiting for you.




* Friehe, M., Bloedow, A., & Hesse, S. (2003). Counseling Families of Children with Communication Disorders. Communication Disorders Quarterly, 24(4), 211-220. http://dx.doi.org/10.1177/15257401030240040701