yesterday was a long day. the end of a long week, actually. and around 5ish last night, my body and mind started rebelling in exhaustion and crabbiness. it was super great, naturally. i was exhausted. so i did what most grown ups my age do in such a situation. i made a visit to my mommy. and played the piano, musing self-created melodies. and ate a chocolate shake. and listened to her talk about planned sewing projects. it was so cute. i love watching people talk about something they're really excited about. while doing nothing but cuddle under a blanky. i know, i'm five.
it was so nice.
music musings + mommy = love.
i love my mommy.
on the way back to provo, i started listening to music. but at the last stoplight before getting on the freeway, i changed my mind. and listened to portions of last october's general conference. [this was followed by this. and then this.]
"the personal value, the sacred splendor of every one of you, is the very reason there is a plan for salvation and exaltation...i have struggled to find an adequate way to tell you how loved of God you are and how grateful we on this stand are for you. i am trying to be voice for the very angels of heaven in thanking you for every good thing you have ever done, for every kind word you have ever said, for every sacrifice you have ever made in extending to someone—to anyone—the beauty and blessings of the gospel of Jesus Christ." jeffrey r. holland, because of your faith
"we must place high priority on our families...in family relationships love is really spelled t-i-m-e, time. taking time for each other is the key for harmony at home. we talk with, rather than about, each other. we learn from each other, and we appreciate our differences as well as our commonalities. we establish a divine bond with each other as we approach God together. "may i suggest that you reduce the rush and take a little extra time to get to know yourself better. walk in nature, watch a sunrise, enjoy God’s creations, ponder the truths of the restored gospel, and find out what they mean for you personally. learn to see yourself as Heavenly Father sees you—as His precious daughter or son with divine potential." dieter f. uchtdorf, of things that matter most
i may or may not have started crying a lot while listening to elder holland's talk. i'm not even completely sure why. but i actually completely am. as i was crying i was thinking to myself, 'why am i even crying??' but cry i did. it was nice, actually. and it didn't help that the tears were started while listening to 'we thank thee, oh god for a prophet' at the beginning. that song always turn my mind to grandpa hales without a doubt every time i hear it, wherever i may be, for it was his favorite. a fact i'm reminded of often. there's something tender about the small tidbits of information and memories shared about a deceased, and therefore never-met, grandparent. the second talk was only half done as i was approaching my exit, when suddenly my mind was telling me, you're not going right home yet. instead, i kept driving past and around on the side roads of provo, ultimately reaching the temple grounds. and parking behind it within perfect view of the area with the corner stone and name signs as i listened to the last few minutes of that remarkable talk, doing exactly what he recommended. spending time with myself and pondering the truths of the gospel. as well as realizing how obsessed and in love i am with my family. immediate and extended. they are wonderful. and believe me, i would know. i've had my moments. they are weird. but a just-right-for-me kind of weird. i love them. a lot. a forever-isn't-enough-time kind of lot.
this was my view. and as i watched out my window while listening to 'the morning breaks,' i had a revelation sort of moment. the shadows are falling. among other inspirations and peace, i realized this:
from my view, the temple was behind the fence. visible and noticeable in beauty, but guarded. the cornerstone, however, was fully visible through the crack in the fence. of the words 'holiness to the lord,' the lord was fully visible and accessible. and isn't that the story of life? there are parts of our church more sacred and guarded that require righteousness and faithfulness to enter and experience. but the lord is always available to us, waiting for us to approach him and his sacred blessings and allow him to lead us there. always. and that is more than enough.
the other day, in my usual blogstalking, i read this post.
and upon reading this portion: "...my brother explained his theory that all females are crazy (i do not disagree) and how a man's tolerance for said crazy is related to her level of attractiveness..." i died inside. because it sounds close [identical] to what a conversation with steven and myself often is. him saying girls are crazy, and me agreeing. quite frequently, actually. so, of course i shared with stevie. and he replied saying this: "I don't think I can really express how I'm feeling after reading that blog. Wow! She is extremely classy (just like you) and she has a strange brother (that's me). She even takes pictures similar to you. Actually it is almost creepy how similar the two of them and the two of us are. Especially because the brother and I had the same thoughts almost verbatim. I just bookmarked her blog (you should be impressed)." so then we proceeded to have a discussion about how classy meg is. and how i want to be her when i grow up.
and (i'm getting to my point) decided to start a tradition of classy breakfasts/lunches/brunches together. and so it was decided. saturday morning brunches together. two weeks of each month we will practice our cooking (for the sake of our poor future families). and the other two weeks we will roam provo/orem discovering charming, classy places.
today, among all its madness, was date number one.
we found a winner starter.
magleby's fresh.
we'd never been there before.
ummmm SO good!
that's all.
{the hair. don't mention it. don't worry about it. end. i have nothing to say for myself.}
i love traditions.
next week?
cooking discovery.
i think we should have our own cooking show.
it would probably be ten billion kinds of hilarious.
it's a funny feeling when you come out of a test. those moments seem to last forever, when really it hasn't been long at all. you feel like you should come out to five missed texts and calls every time. because everyone misses you so much in that hour. and instead you come out to nothing. weird. one little hour in a day. or two, if you're today. with nothing to show. the world is still spinning. but i can breathe again. before my anatomy midterm tonight i literally almost started crying i was so nervous. and psyching myself out. and having issues taking deep breaths. funny how you don't notice that you're not really breathing, until you take a deep breath in again, once you can. you walk out of a test and feel crisp air filling your lungs. as if breathing for the first time in awhile. a new experience. i deep breath filling every corner of your soul. a different kind of breathing, but you can't tell how it's different. it's just different. clearer. fresher.
i feel like i just took a final--even though it was only a midterm (ooops). to my credit, it was two today. not one. and therefore, i have done absolutely nothing productive since getting home at NINE. (yes that does make over 12.5 hours on campus. i know, right? ick.) no bigs. here i am instead. i'm waking up in 5ish hours, say whaaa? oh dear. tomorrow's going to be fun.
it's been a weird few days. that's all i have to say. but this week is OVER! (the hard part, at least.) i'm obviously a little excited. here is the truth teller. last night (when i should have been studying hard for acoustics. (oopsay. again.) but was slightly studied out, i took a break and went to spoon it up with pago (paige). i'm pretty sure i've never had that much ice cream so densely filling my cup when going there. and i've been there a lot. oops. that's the kind of week it was. i love ice cream. chocolate cures all things. almost.
and i love that only fun remains in the next few days.
deep breaths.
breathe in, breathe out.
sleeeeeeeeeeeepy time.
{thanks, best friend, for finding pictures that are perfect for me.
2 days. 6 days. 8 days.}
i hear birds chirping many-a-morning these days. spring is the best time of the year. my wedding (someday) will be in the springtime/summertime. i'm determined. i'm obsessed with springtime. sunshine. flowers (duh). the works. the joy it brings me is, quite frankly, indescribable. and the scents? ohhhh the scents. mmm.
p.s. speaking of scents. i walked past a guy on campus today that smelled like heaven. i'm kind of obsessed with certain colognes, i've realized. makes me weak at the knees, those darn scents. and he smelled gooooooood. like polo blue good. [guilty pleasure whenever i'm in a mall?maybe.] mmhmmm.
today is one of those days that i have to give myself pep talks reminding myself how excited i am to go to romania for three entire months this summer.
and then i found this.
this = instant excitement rejuvenator.
especially when coupled with this song. [which i've only listened to/watched fifty kajillion times this past few days. no big.]
excitement rejuvenator for the day:
ok, so it sounds kind of peculiar.
but then go here and watch it with the english translation.
ohhhh those two (three in english) words.
so cute. and nerdy.
i'm a nerd.
coomeee onnn. it's cute!
you could probably call today (slash this entire weekend. it's all the same.) the most unproductive in existence.
that's a lie. it wasn't that unproductive.
just, you know. unproductive where it's important to be productive.
oops.
even better, i can't exactly fully publicly talk about everything i did this weekend. which definitely makes it that much better. obviously.
though, i must say. they were probably the best friday and saturday nights in forever.
the kind of friday and saturday night i've been absolutely craving.
friday night i spent in pajamas. scratch that. saturday night, too. and played 'name that musical' with kat while she was practicing for upcoming auditions. she quizzed me. let's just say, i was much better at the first two-thirds. and then i started missing even the easy ones. i know, right? fail.
and i watched chuck. which automatically makes life great. i love chuck.
and then i was in bed sleeping before midnight. i loved it.
oh, and one other little detail about friday:
i signed a housing contract. wabang.
saturday was filled with lots of fun things.
aka, i took an almost three hour nap that started at 5:30 pm.
to my defense, i woke up at 5:30 am to go to the temple. i was tireddd.
and then i was in bed before midnight after having some brownies and milk right before bed.
i know, right? you're jealous. i would be too.
i sat in my kitchen in my pj's listening to a certain song over and over again while blogstalking laursy and texting her too.
i was seriously in heaven. a simply quiet evening with myself.
sunday=i don't know.
i wrote that thinking by the time the equals sign was there i'd have a good adjective.
nope.
oh well. it was a rather quiet sunday. and after church sarah and tianne ditched the party and went home.
soooo i made homemade bread (yummmmmyyyyy) while watching you've got mail.
no, life doesn't get any better than that. we all know that's what you were just asking yourself. if it could get any better, i mean. but nope, it just can't.
and then steven made me din din. and we watched ratatouille.
followed by a brief visit to d&s that turned into a 1.5 hour visit. oops.
also, ratatouille=so great. loverly.
also, this entire week/weekend: i can't stop saying loverly.
oops. that's just loverly.
and there it goes again.
here's hoping i wasn't the only one with the most unproductive weekend in existence.
now i get to ready, set, go study.
anatomy, outer&middle ear anatomy&physiology, and romanian. and i should do a wee bit of frenchadoodle doo. but that probably won't happen.
wahoooooooooo. i can't even contain my excitement.
ok, so that was a lie.
why is the library not open?
it's going to be a very long week, my friends.
on the bright side. the light at the end of this tunnel:
[which will make the day count, as of today, 9 and 11.]
nope, life doesn't get better than that either.
jrad lovin.
also, this song is beyond beautiful. ever since whit introduced me to it, i can't stop listening.
[see afore-mentioned obsession.]
and right now, it is perfectly embodying my life. mellow and sweet.
almost too beautiful.
noapte buna, prietenii mei. te iubesc.
oh, and it's 23° and 4:45am in romania right now.
and i will be there in 2 months and 16 days.
îmi place asta. j'aime ça.
once upon a time, changing your email address is probably one of the most obnoxious and time consuming tasks that could possibly be undertaken in life. don't think i'm kidding. nooooo. i would not joke about this.
i may or may not have stayed up completely obnoxiously late trying to sort things out and all.
i don't want to talk about it.
based on the fact that i am definitely not posting this in real time of when i'm writing it. the sweet little feature that lets me change the time? yep. we're going with that. does that make me a bad person? probably. oh well. let's just say, it was definitely NOT 12:05 when i was writing this.
nope, still don't want to talk about it.
my point is. for future reference. and now that my name in some form is available for an email address (why is my name so popular for email addresses?? i don't understand. it's a tough find to get something to work.) buuuttt, it will from henceforth be:
emily.j.nevers [at] gmail [dot] com
and hopefully i've fixed it in all the right places. the old one was getting obnoxious to say and explain out loud. because of the fact that it was an abbreviation. and therefore on a whim tonight, i decided to make a change for the better.
sooo, if you're reading this. please go edit your address book right now.
which reminds me. i should probably send an email to my family about this.
oh, you know. only the most obnoxious email to ever receive.
super.
such is life. here i am. and i should go to bed. now. i'm getting loony. yeah. good idea.
back in october, i found this video, by chance. (see here)
and tonight it was sent by one of the anatomy professors to all anatomy students.
and i fell in love with it all over again.
this video was originally found at a rough time. life was tough. for a lot of reasons, and no reasons at all. and to this day, i don't even know if i could fully explain it to you. but at that time, this was just what i needed to hear.
so tonight, upon seeing it, i was almost tempted to skip over it and not watch again. because i knew i had already seen it. and in case you haven't noticed lately, life has been pretty dang good. i figured that, not being in a particularly rough patch, it was not applicable.
boy was i wrong.
knock, knock. hellloooo in there. always applicable.
and it may or may not have lead me through a few mormon messages. i love them so.
[and they will forever remind me of ms.claira.]
messages like this and this. or this one is completely beautiful. watch them. you won't regret it.
back to the sheep. my original point. this video right here.
"our days hold scores of thoroughfares leading to the Master
and that every time we reach out, however feebly, for Him,
we discover He has been anxiously trying to reach us."
"the Savior’s Atonement lifts from us not only the burden of our sins, but also the burden of our disappointments and sorrows, our heartaches and our despair."
"if you are lonely, please know you can find comfort. if you are discouraged, please know you can find hope. If you are poor in spirit, please know you can be strengthened. If you feel you are broken, please know you can be mended."
his hand is stretched out STILL.
his mercy has no end.
still.
merciful, miraculous, beautiful, glorious, no?
and it was in those first two passages i quoted that the kicker came. it's not always about sin and bad things. sometimes it's about the thoroughfares in each day leading us to him. sometimes it's about the disappointments of life. sometimes the sorrow. even on the sunniest of days, he's still there enjoying it with us. for he is the one giving it to us. sometimes i think i forget that.
maybe this was just for me. finding it. watching it again. being sent through a trail of inspiring mormon messages. but something in me says more. something in me is driving me to post about this. feeling ridiculous all the while, because we all know i post ridiculously often. especially because i've already shared this video once before. and yet here i am, at 8:30 on a friday night. probably the only one who opened this email soon after it was sent. because i'm sitting on my bed putting origins and insertions on flashcards for anatomy. and feeling completely inadequate to succeed at all on a midterm that is self-admittedly trying to trick me. (which i completely have moral issues with.)
my point is, i only know of a few people that read this silly record of mine. and while i adore blogstalking myself and looking back on posts of old, i'm slightly biased and am sure i am probably the only one who thinks my life is neat enough to be stalk-worthy. so maybe, out there somewhere is someone reading this at random. who will run across this video. they'll feel an odd urge to watch and listen, even though it's a little long, and most of us skip things, words or video, that get a little too long. but sometimes, i think it's the long ones that end up being the most worthwhile to read or watch or listen to. and maybe, this will change their life. and maybe if it's not that dramatic, it could at least change their day. which, in my opinion, is more than enough. doesn't everyone deserve such inspiring and comforting knowledge? so maybe, today i can be the one who provides something to stumble upon by sharing this. because once upon a time, that someone was me. and many times, that someone is me. not only this video, but millions of other inspiring quotes. videos. anything. for that's what makes this little blogosphere so wonderful, wouldn't you say? and sincerely, i don't feel ridiculous about sitting here at 8:30 on a friday night watching mormon messages. instead, i feel like me. because this is me. a quiet night at home. can anything beat it? if there is something, i've yet to find it. for this is me.
quiet friday night at home-loving me. life is a beaut. as per usual. and it is filled with so many beautiful people. sometimes i wish i could sit down and have a real tête-à-tête with all these beautiful souls. a real conversation, you know? the one's that get to the heart. i think the world needs more communication like that. more pondering and love. sappy? probably. but such is life, such am i.
"As you walk to the boundary of your understanding into the twilight of uncertainty, exercising faith, you will be led to find solutions you would not obtain otherwise. With even your strongest faith, God will not always reward you immediately according to your desires. Rather, God will respond with what in His eternal plan is best for you, when it will yield the greatest advantage. Be thankful that sometimes God lets you struggle for a long time before that answer comes. That causes your faith to increase and your character to grow."
{ i've found where i fit in. and, by contrast, i've found where i don't. interesting thing, fitting in, wouldn't you say? and an anatomy lab is not where i fit in.
and yet, so similar, i fit in with speech anatomy. did i tell you about my class yesterday? it was absolutely thrilling. i spent the whole class thinking to myself, "is this really happening? this is SO COOL! how am i really enjoying this THIS much??" i was probably a sight to see. my professor brought into our classroom, for yesterday only, his high-tech equipment. first he used an endoscope with a light on one end and a camera looking through the other, and put it down his throat. and in doing so, we could see his vocal folds! it was seriously so so so neat! i'm getting excited about it just retelling it! you could see the folds in the trachea through his vocal folds, and with this tube still in his throat, he would make noises of varying pitches, first low, then high, and back again, to show the differences. and we could see his vocal folds vibrating! ahhhhh! and then he showed how with this strobe-type light on the end and some other thing, it allowed them to slow down and picture the movement. so rather than just seeing the blur of the vibration of his vocal folds, we could see the wave they made in slower motion! IT WAS SO COOOOOOOOL! i obviously still can't get over it. here i am, looking at a camera showing pink, fleshy, living insides. which used to make me squeamish, and probably still would in some situations. but i was nothing short of completely enraptured and thrilled. i'm pretty sure you're probably sick of all the capitalizations and exclamation points. but i can't help it. SO SO NEAT. and THEN (you better believe there's more) he had this shorter endoscope with a light at the end and camera on the other end, like the one he put in his mouth, but for ears! ahhhhhh! the otoscopes that general physicians use only allow them to see about a third of the way into the ear. but this let him go down the ear canal and see it deeper! so first he showed us his ears. through the wax and we could see his tympanic membrane and malleus and all! ahhhh!! it was so cool. and then he swabbed it with alcohol and let whoever wanted to come up and he looked in both ears! first of all, it was wonderful experience to be able to see so many different ears and therefore the range and slight differences in normal ears, and a girl who has an ear infection type thing right now, by contrast. and the contrast in amounts of earwax and the consistency of the earwax. so we saw the malleus in everyone, and the incus in some ears, and the chorda tympani in some. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! ok. i'm trying to calm down. trying, key word. IT WAS SOOOO NEEEATTTTTTT! i need a new adjective. and you bet your bottom dollar i looked at my own sweet tympanic membrane. radddddd.
ok. calming down now. such a thrill. it was one of those moments where i knew that what i was doing was EXACTLY right. it should be illegal being that excited about what i just told you. you're probably dying inside because it sounds so boring. but i thought it was so FASCINATING! definite good sign that i'm in the right major. when i was telling my mom about it yesterday she was just like, "wahoo. how cool. whatevers." (obviously not direct quotes.) and i was freaking out i was so excited about all the things i learned and saw. and then she said, "well, i guess you're in the right major then." and she's so right. so much rightness. i'm seriously in love with it. and i'm pretty sure i say that to myself almost every day. quite literally. ohhh my gosh i'm such a nerd. i fit in here. i need to calm down.}
so much love in the air. i love love.
granted, this day is slightly ridiculous. and WAY too over-commercialized.
but what's not to love about a day all about love?
i have never seen more widespread happy faces around campus.
faces of people who know they are loved on a beautiful day in a beautiful life.
romantic love, yes.
as well as love in general.
spreading love all around to friends, family, acquaintances, and strangers alike.
there's a lot of love in this world.
people are capable of SO much.
why not spread it all around?
the real question is--why don't we spend every day showing people how much we love them?
just a thought.
and despite the fact that i am sitting in an empty apartment tonight, i won't always be.
someday i'll have a love for many valentine's days through the rest of my life.
i think that's adequate compensation, don't you?
for now, i am satisfied by the love i am surrounded by.
love for me, yes.
but also seeing so many people i love in love. and the pure happiness stemming from that.
for today, that's more than enough.
[and i won't pretend i'm not thrilled with all the roses suddenly joining our apartment.]
and so, future hubby. i am content and thinking of you this night. and someday soon (relatively) we'll be together. and our real lives will begin. lives filled with joy and sunshine. which i've already once defined. though i must warn you, you should probably know right now that if you don't give me flowers every valentine's, we have a problem. and i will be disappointed. but, don't worry. i already know that you'll know me well enough to know that. flowers and pretty words are just part of the deal when it comes to my heart. and your handsome face. i'll be seeing you, lover. love, emily.
“…along with the illuminating revelation that points us toward a righteous purpose or duty, God will also provide the means and power to achieve that purpose. Trust in that eternal truth. If God has told you something is right, if something is indeed true for you, He will provide the way for you to accomplish it…I acknowledge the reality of opposition and adversity, but I bear witness of the God of glory, of the redeeming Son of God, of light and hope and a bright future. I promise you that God lives and loves you, each one of you, and that He has set bounds and limits to the opposing powers of darkness. I testify that Jesus is the Christ, the victor over death and hell and the fallen one who schemes there. The gospel of Jesus Christ is true, and it has been restored. ‘Fear ye not.’ And when the second and third and fourth blows come, ‘fear ye not. … The Lord shall fight for you.’Cast not away therefore your confidence.”
i hinted at it here. but i really am going to take astronomy lessons from god someday.
don't think i'm kidding.
i'm like a little kid in a candy store. i think it's so fascinating. a guy quoted this in stake conference today. we are so so small. the magnitude of the universe is marvelous and incomprehensible.
i may or may not have spent a bit of time on this site. don't even worry about it. nerddyyyyy.
i realize i blog a lot. but it bugs me when i don't. i'm obsessed with blogstalking myself and having something to look back on. journaled moments of my life.
i never realized life could be this good. it is so so good. the use of any other adjective would be defiling. pure and complete, satisfying and fulfilling simple goodness.
.waiting in a line to get into the temple this morning.
.my class. seriously so great. am i really allowed to enjoy something this much?
.my grandma thinks i'm one of the most amazing and wonderful souls ever. who wouldn't have a brighter day after being around that?
.mentoring. seriously. being around little kids? they think you're better than sliced bread. love.
.feeling real warmth from the sun.
.found mashup of clocks&chicago = love.
.trying to explain the watermelon video to sarah. i can't even start without busting up.
.sarah.
.being unintentionally awkward while talking to a girl walking through our apartment.
.sarah's binge. aahhhhahahaha.
.i wore a dress again today. ahh. i hate 'no-dresses-allowed thursdays'.
.the sunset is a beaut. sweet light.
the sun is shining, it's a beautiful day.
and the realization that it is now the weekend was quite possibly the highlight of my week.
and tomorrow i'm finally getting my hair trimmed. and i get to see my (basically) sister two weekends in a row.
life is so SO good. is it allowed to be this good?
tickets being bought, this fact that i will spend 12 weeks in romania this summer is becoming more and more real. almost scarily so. completely sincerely: i'm absolutely terrified. terrified of what i don't know. terrified of places i don't know. a people, a language i don't know. a part of the world unknown. most people i know, including myself, had to look it up to figure out exactly where romania even is. let alone anything about the country itself or the people. since then i've been overflowed and overwhelmed with information. and completely sincerely: i'm still absolutely terrified, but so very unexplainably excited.
it's amazing the way the lord is kind enough to prepare us for things, not just throw us in while saying, "good luck, suckers!" nope. that would never happen. the past few months and weeks i've noticed and felt the lord's hand in my life more than almost any other time in my life. not necessarily in ways i could see, understand, or recognize the details and reason for. but i recognized the existence of his hands. much more than ever before. i have a feeling this is going to be a very important year in the life of emily janette nevers. in life events, experiences, and spiritual and academic growth and development. it's undeniable. not that tatăl nostru ceresc ever takes a seat on the back burner of our lives, but you know how there are moments in which life tends to be a little more average, repetitive, predictable, and not all that thrilling or noticeably different? life is in a cruise control, with a few potholes occasionally. and then there are those in which every little thing that happens is vital. important things are about to happen, big twists and turns, and every little thing may impact them happening. and so suddenly, cruise control isn't good enough. it takes a skilled set of hands, master's hands, to guide and direct. to take over the wheel. right now, my friends, my wheel has been taken over. i'm still driving, but there's a big set of hands reaching around me and resting on top of mine on the wheel that guides my life. hands that are gently, but powerfully, influencing every little move and maintaining complete control. i think i could pull my hands out and rest them on my lap, and it wouldn't make an ounce of difference, because i'm not in control. he has intervened for this patch of road. the reasons for which i'm only beginning to understand. i am small in comparison. not quite passenger, for this is still my very own life. but i am enveloped by him guiding me. i can change the radio station if i'd like. or maybe turn the heat on or off on blustery days. summery-like days i roll down the window. but ultimate control, is not in my hands. and i kind of like it that way. it's comforting. like having my daddy's big hands completely over my own while learning to ride a bike. we hold on together, him teaching and guiding, until it's time to let go and let me go on my own. except in this case, i'm not really alone. he's still there, but his hands won't be so firmly directing and guiding every twist and turn. not so much a rough road. just a turning and twisting one. a canyon road.
as my departure date ebbs nearer and nearer, i'm finding myself ready. knowing that this summer, i need to be in romania. whatever else happens in the world happens. but i will be in romania serving heaven-sent children. i never used to understand how missionaries could leave for so long, slightly indifferent to what they would be missing. they just go. i am in no way equating what i will be doing to serving a mission. but for me, it is a mission of sorts. i know things will happen here in utah and america while i'm gone, generally speaking of world events as well as among my own family and friends. but honestly, to me, that doesn't matter anymore. i grew up caring about events, no matter how minute. hating to miss things. easily missing people, because i tend to become attached to them. for i love people and need them. people on a very individual basis are miracles. and yet, i'm feeling myself being distanced from people. distanced enough to remove myself from them for three months, and not having a nervous breakdown every night because i miss the people i love. don't get me wrong, i'm sure those nights will come on occasion. but the people i used to be attached to and shared my thoughts and feelings with often, i don't talk to very much at all anymore. not by my own doing, i am becoming distanced. mon père céleste me connaît. he knows that i need that, even though it is hard. sometimes unbearable and completely breaks my heart. but if this gradual distancing needs to happen. if didn't happen now, while i am in romania, and beyond, i couldn't handle the sudden removal from all i know and hold dear. in more ways than just going to romania. i won't have a phone in romania, just internet. talking to lauren or family members anytime i want to isn't an option. emails, yes. but no daily minute to minute conversations. spur of the moment thoughts, funny experiences usually shared through a quick text will no longer be shared, unless through email. when i come back, the girls in my age group will begin leaving on missions and getting married. marriage is wonderful, but it also means that aspects of friendship are lost. you can still spend time together, talk, chat, laugh, whatever you will. but at the end of the day, relationship dynamics are different after marriage, and we all know it. no one ever likes losing friends. when friends get married, their husband or wife becomes their entire life. all else is on the peripheries. which is as it should be. but for those on the peripheries, who have not yet married, it means an empty space exists for a time. and heavenly father knows something about me i didn't previously notice. i need gradual adjustment to that. gradual distancing, rather than a sudden gap. preparation, of sorts. not only for while i'm in romania, but for the times and events following that as well. i'll miss things while i'm gone. i know that. but i'm perfectly ok with that, and i know that there's nowhere else in the world i should be in that time.
i don't know exactly what's in store in the near future. i just know it's important. in my patriarchal blessing there is a line that says, in speaking of education received in schools of higher education: "this education will be very valuable to you for it will be a blessing to have in your home. your education will also be important in the callings that you receive in serving the Lord." as a part of this education, i need to go to romania. for reasons i know, and some i don't. and after that, there's more coming. i just don't know what. yet. it's a gradual process. sometimes i think we imagine that we'd love to know our futures and all that will happen in our life, but really it would overwhelm us more than words can say. things are revealed to us in pieces. little by little as we need them. in just the right timing, we learn. experience by experience and influence by influence, we learn. and for my life, the car is twisting and turning through the most complicated patch of road yet. the patch that is the most important for the rest of my journey, and every little movement ensures traveling in the right direction. the directions that allow me to cross along the roads others are following, and join them for awhile before continuing another direction on the pathway of my life. towards a place that all these twisting, turning, or straight roads lead. continuing on towards home.
"we are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love.
It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person."
william somerset maugham
"all changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy;
for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves;
we must die to one life before we can enter another."
"There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." Einstein
"One of the things all geniuses have in common is in a world addicted to noise, they make time to be still." R. Sharma
"We have all had that one person in our lives who believed in us when no one else would. Be that person for others." Robin Sharma
"It is not what you look at that matters, it is what you see." H. Thoreau
"You learn to like someone when you find out what makes them laugh, but you can never truly love someone until you find out what makes them cry." R. Stinton
"The way to love something is to imagine you’ve lost it." G. Chesterson
"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark."
"Art is the stored honey of the human soul." Theodore Dreiser
"You are special. A blessing. A miracle. There is no other person like you in the world. You have the capacity for greatness so let your light shine." Unknown
"The flower that follows the sun does so even in cloudy days." Robert Leighton
i'm going on a major quotes craze. i should probably just make a tumblr or blog for quotes someday. but here we are. i wish i could frame every one of these in their own little space. everything is a miracle. art. love. capacity. potential. children of the universe. keep peace.
