it's amazing how much changes in a year. graduation one year ago, and now here i am. i feel hardly connected to anything remotely related to high school at all anymore. when i went to visit last week, it was like entering a different universe that i once knew, but had forgotten. i hold a place in my heart for some of those teachers. they were truly wonderful influences.
i don't care who you are or where you're from. let's be honest. friends really do make the largest influence on your life during high school, no matter what else you ever spend your time with. it's weird to watch the grade below me graduate. weird to see those faces again, forgotten faces. weird that some of them will even be at byu soon. weird. how little they know of what they're up against. it's all so different: high school vs. college. regardless of what you may be expecting as you begin as a young, naive freshmen--you're wrong. i promise you. college is wonderful, yes. but it's hard. not just classes. everything. in areas of life that you don't even consider. at this point, i've had every kind of roommate that could possibly exist. i'm certain that i could live with anyone. don't you fret, roommates that may be reading this. i love and loved all my roommates as i learned to live. but come on. roommates are roommates and we all have our moments. it's amazing the difference between friends and roommates. there's something about living with someone that leaves you forever connected with them and knowing more about them than you ever thought you could. i know more about all of my past roommates, and i'm sure they know more about me, than almost any of my friends from high school and beyond. there's no way around it. love them or hate them (usually both, depending on the moment), they're still the ones you come home to. the ones that will care and send frantic messages after awhile if you come home a little later than usual. the ones that, at the end of a long day, make it all better just in the pure excitement shown as you walk through the door and release the weight of the world from your shoulders. some days, that's all that gets you through.
little do these graduates know the changes ahead. no one lies when they say you never see some people again after graduation. literally, there are many i haven't seen since that night. many you forget about, even expecting yourself to forget before long. you all move on. summers filled with differing activities. and then you all depart your separate ways by fall. even those you know are going to the same school, you never see. the people you do end up running into on campus are usually the ones you hardly know. the saddest part about the end? you drift from those you never thought you would, and get closer to those you never expected. you think you'll talk to them. sometimes you even do occasionally call, skype, facebook. especially through the new fall semester as you all suffer the loneliness of being new together. soon, though, you get to know your roommates a little bit better and better. you get to know your neighbors. your ward. your classmates. your campus. soon you become immersed in your schooling and events associated with roommates, new friends, and wards. you know these people better than any high school friend. by the end of the semester, and especially the full year, it's as if you've known them for an eternity. you've shared the parts of your past you want to. shared the painful pieces and memories. shared the highlights. endured the freshmen experience together. the pain of being on your own. away from home. enduring the new, with each new day. that endurance together is a powerful bond. even when you are separated for a summer, or by college graduation, you share that bond. twenty years from now you chance upon an old high school friend that was once close. you laugh, small talk. depart. a college friend? that experience endures. that pain of self-discovery. the pain of decisions. decisions that probably are impacting life in that moment. what happened with it all? that's something to talk about. rarely do you hear people talk about old high school friends that they call up and chat with every few years. no. it's roommates. neighbors. friends. living on your own does something to you, especially when you're sharing that new moment with others, all learning together, trying to act like you know what you're doing when really you're just as terrified of it all as everyone else. the unknown. the future. the decisions. ohh, the decisions to be made. they see you as you truly are. nothing is hidden--the pure self is revealed.
you try to stay connected with some old friends through the first semester. a few times, perhaps you call, or contact in some way. by the second semester, you're immersed. maybe you decide to try once more. fruitless. you stop trying. it's no longer worth it. by the end of the semester? indifference. you lead different lives, hardly with anything in common. maybe you get together over christmas break? you laugh, chat. all acting as though nothing has changed. it has, though. as unfortunate as it may be, change has come. everything is different. you feign ignorance to this change for a time, but realize the substance is gone. by the end of the first year, nothing at all connects you and trying to reconnect is often futile. thoughtfulness is gone with the wind. after trying for so long...done. it's not worth it. the good memories have faded. revealing the existence of cracks there long ago. no more. i'm moving on. only true friends remain on the wheels of a dream.
