onward, ever onward.

july 18, 2012 -- a day i'll remember forever.

i'm officially a missionary!

and so, off i go.

far and wide to tell the father's story. far and wide his love proclaim.

if nowhere else in the world, in ukraine and chile, sister nevers and elder ricks are sharing that message.

the message of love and hope.

to receive my emails and be added to the blog that will chronicle the whole journey,send an email to neverss [at] gmail [dot] com and let steve know.going crazy through technology is how he shows he cares.and i promise he won't think it's weird, so there's no need to feel awkward about it.see you in 2014! with much love, sister emily janette nevers.

searching in darkness, nations have wept; watching for dawn, their vigil they've kept.

all now rejoice; the long night is o'er. truth is on earth once more!

(...)

chosen by God to serve him below, to ev'ry land and people we'll go,

standing for truth with fervent accord, teaching his holy word.

oh, how glorious from the throne above shines the gospel light of truth and love.

bright as the sun, this heavenly ray lights ev'ry land today.

hark all ye nations, hymn 264

[don't worry, this post was written and scheduled before i was set apart. set for the time i enter the mtc. i ain't no rule breaker.]

saying goodbye.

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together,

there is something you must always remember.

you are braver than you believe,

stronger than you seem,

and smarter than you think.

But the most important thing is, even if we're apart,

I'll always be with you.” 

...

“I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart for so long.

If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can be together all the time.” 

...

“Promise me you'll never forget me

because if I thought you would, I'd never leave.” 

...

“You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you.

You have to go to them sometimes.” 

...

“When you see someone putting on his Big Boots,

you can be pretty sure that an Adventure is going to happen.” 

Winnie the Pooh, A.A.Milne

and so, here i go. an adventure is about to happen and the farewells have been said. my great adventure has begun. i've got giant plans. 'all along i thought i was learning how to take, how to bend not how to break. how to live, not how to cry. but really, i've been learning how to die.' [learning how to die, jon foreman]  the death of my old life is near, a new emily janette is arising from the dust. i'll miss everything here. family, friends, big family events (BABIES!), but i know for a fact there's nowhere else in the world i ought to be between july 18, 2012 and january 2014. and you know, there's just something beautifully reassuring about knowing you're exactly where you ought to be doing exactly what you ought to be doing. and knowing that makes leaving okay, and it makes missing people and things and events okay. and so, mtc and ukraine? bring it on.

the city of a million roses is waiting for me, and i mustn't keep them waiting.

"lift up your heart and rejoice, for the hour of your mission is come; 

and your tongue shall be loosed,

and you shall declare glad tidings of great joy unto this generation.

you shall declare the things which have been revealed to my servant, joseph smith, jun.

you shall begin to preach from this time forth,

yea, to reap in the field which is white already to be burned."

doctrine & covenants 31: 3-4

the ones you take all by yourself.

yesterday when i was young, everything i needed done was done for me.

now i do it on my on, but i find i'm all alone, what can i do?

you and me. walk on, walk on, walk on.

i know there will be days when i'm so tired that i can't take another step.

the night will have no stars and i'll think i've gone as far as i will ever get.

you and me. walk on, walk on, walk on.

i can't really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else.

in the end the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself.

walk on, walk on, walk on.

cause you can't go back now.

in the yesterday of my life i was young.
this is me taking that step all by myself. the step that matters.

here's to growing up some more, and becoming anew.

sides.

i saw lauren celeste tonight for the last time before my mission soon begins. the thing is, we're both really good at being in denial about this kind of thing for as long as possible. maybe if we just avoid it, we won't have to think about the fact that a goodbye is coming. and even when it is, it takes time before that goodbye really begins to sink in.

things that come with time will always be better ... you can take my hand and save me.

joshua radin, the rock and the tide

laur has saved me. from the very start, she has been my grace. the saving grace that brought light in darkness. in the hardest of times, she was my strengthening saving grace at my side, and it has only become sweeter and better with time. we haven't known each other for our whole lives, we didn't even become friends at all until high school was nearly half over, but the friendship we have is the equivalent of forever. because it is eternal. her family has become mine, and i love them as my own.  all i needed was the love they gave. and they gave and continue to give it openly. i adore them.

i'll be by your side, wherever you fall. in the dead of night, whenever you call.

tenth avenue north, by your side

in every situation, we stand side by side. sometimes one of us stands taller than the other, varying with the situation we're facing, but she's always been by my side. the past few years of college in different cities have meant a little more of being side by side in spirit, and now it will be even moreso. but even if i will be gone for 18 months straight, there's something about soul sister best friends that means nothing could possibly change, even if we've changed along the way. letters will have to do for a little while. but hey, she waited 24 months (almost 25) for will. this is nothing in comparison. and so even from across the world, she'll be by my side. because that's the thing when you have a soul sister. sometimes that's all you really need - someone standing at your side supporting you when you have no other words to really say. the night i opened my mission call and even after it was open, i was completely out of control, and completely in the twilight zone when it came to interacting with people. but all that time, she just sat next to me and didn't worry about the fact that i was in my own little world as the world moved on around me. because sometimes, you just don't need words.

i didn't know if you knew, so i'm taking this chance to say: that i had the best day with you today.

taylor swift, the best day

so tonight as we spent our last hours and moments together, we did just that. we sat side by side, the way we began. while i packed some things, she watched a walk to remember while i listened along and laughed and commented (and was super loud and probably super annoying). and then we watched our favorite parts of 10 things i hate about you. both of which are movies we've loved for years and watched together multiple times. (and laugh embarrassingly hard in so many places. haa.) the worst thing about it was the moment it had to end. and then as she left, realizing that i wouldn't just be seeing her again in a few days, with other random texts, chats, or emails in between. nope. eighteen months. eighteen. that's a rather long time without your besty. good thing there are emails and at least somewhat of a postal service, even if it's less than reliable.

there ain't no other friend like you.

joshua radin, friend like you

after my farewell talk on sunday, as i went to give her mom a hug, she just looked at me for awhile with tears in her eyes and as we hugged. as they left afterwards and it was the last time i'd be seeing mama wertz and melissa, there were at least 10 hugs before actually departing. and as la and i said our goodbyes tonight it was no different. we took a picture. realized it didn't feel like what was about to happen was actually happening, and then as we hugged (the first of several), laur started to cry. and then of course i couldn't exactly hold it in. and so we cried. and hugged. before saying, i'll be seeing you. i'm outrageously excited for my mission and all the things it will involve, but sometimes, leaving for so long means taking a moment and realizing what really matters, and that it's okay to miss people back home. just because you're far apart, doesn't mean the love ever diminishes. prayers and well wishes have no borders. as winnie the pooh (a.a.milne) so wisely said, 'how lucky i am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.'

so i'll be seeing you, laurs. in all the old familiar places. and i'll often be thinking just as winnie the pooh once did: 'i wonder what piglet is doing,' thought pooh. 'i wish i were there to be doing it too.'

34 hours.

here's the thing.

i have a lot i would want to blog about,

but when leaving on a mission in 2 days, there are a few other things preoccupying my time.

never you mind the enormously bigger mess outside of the picture that you can't see.

oops.

hope i'll catch up soon. as in, within the next 34 hours.

if not? welp. see you in 18 months, blog land.

deliverance.

"when dark clouds of trouble hang o'er us and threaten our peace to destroy,

there is hope smiling brightly before us, and we know that deliv'rance is nigh.

we doubt not the lord nor his goodness, we've proved him in days that are past.

the wicked who fight against zion shall surely be smitten at last."

hymn 19, we thank thee, o god, for a prophet

"and calling upon the name of God, he beheld his glory again, for it was upon him;

and he heard a voice, saying: blessed art thou, moses,

for i, the almighty, have chosen thee, and thou shalt be made stronger than many waters;

for they shall obey thy command as if thou wert god. 

and lo, i am with thee, even unto the end of thy days;

for thou shalt deliver my people from bondage, even israel my chosen."

moses 1: 25-26

i'm sailing. out on a boat, way far away from the dock.

on occasion.

sometimes, i'm not a very good blogger.

sometimes, life seems to be a bit too complex for blogging.

sometimes, life seems to be a bit too boring for blogging.

sometimes, you're more stressed about the fact that you might have lost a great deal of photos and possibly music from an uncooperative external hard drive.

sometimes, you don't wake up until after 9, and you stay in bed working on missiony odds and ends until well after 12. who am i becoming?

sometimes, you're just plain ready for adventure in the great wide somewhere to begin.

sometimes, you start to realize how detached you are becoming from this life, even from the people you love most. i suppose it's all part of the process. but a bittersweet one, at that.

sometimes, spending the day dreaming about your future hubster is nice and whimsical.

sometimes, you might wish that vacations could last longer than only a few days.

sometimes, going on a mission involves so many odd loose ends to be taken care of before being gone for so long.

and sometimes, a mumford & sons / simon & garfunkel binge seems to fit just right.
(yes i'm a little bitter that mumford is coming to slc in august after i've gone. only a little bit.)

most of all, sometimes i hate technology.

the emblem of the land i love.

i heart america.

this land is your land, this land is my land.

for purple mountain majesties above the fruited plain.

i'm proud to be an american.

this land was made for you and me.

timshel.

because thou mayest.

" 'Don't you see?' he cried. 'The American Standard translation orders men to triumph over sin, and you can call sin ignorance. The King James translation makes a promise in, "Thou shalt," meaning that men will surely triumph over sin. But the Hebrew word, the word timshel--"Thou mayest"--that gives a choice. It might be the most important word in the world. That says the way is open. That throws it right back on a man. For if "Thou mayest"--it is also true that "Thou mayest not." Don't you see?

(...)

Any writing which has influenced the thinking and the lives of innumerable people is important. Now, there are many millions in their sects and churches who feel the order, "Do thou," and throw their weight into obedience. And there are millions more who feel predestination in "Thou shalt." Nothing they may do can interfere with what will be. But "Thou mayest"! Why, that makes a man great, that gives him stature with the gods, for in his weakness and his filth and his murder of this brother he has still the great choice. He can choose his course and fight it through and win.' Lee's voice was a chant of triumph.

Adam said, 'Do you believe that, Lee?'

'Yes, I do. Yes, I do. It is easy out of laziness, out of weakness, to throw oneself into the lap of deity, saying, "I couldn't help it; the way was set." But think of the glory of the choice! That makes a man a man. A cat has no choice, a bee must make honey. There's no godliness there.'

(...) 

Lee said, 'These old men believe a true story, and they know a true story when they hear it. They are critics of truth. They know that these sixteen verses are a history of humankind in any age or culture or race. they do not believe a man writes fifteen and three-quarter verses of truth and tells a lie with one verb. Confucius tells men how they should live to have good and successful lives. But this--this is a ladder to climb to the stars.' Lee's eyes shone. 'You can never lose that. It cuts the feet from under weakness and cowardliness and laziness.

(...)

I feel that a man is a very important thing--maybe more important than a star. This is not theology. I have no bent toward gods. But I have a new love for that glittering instrument, the human soul. It is a lovely and unique thing in the universe. It is always attacked and never destroyed-- because "Thou mayest." ' "

John Steinbeck, East of Eden