everyone certainly would believe in nothing but love.

“i love you much (most beautiful darling)

more than anyone on the earth and i

like you better than everything in the sky

—sunlight and singing welcome your coming

although winter may be everywhere

with such a silence and such a darkness

noone can quite begin to guess

(except my life) the true time of year—

and if what calls itself a world should have

the luck to hear such singing (or glimpse such

sunlight as will leap higher than high

through gayer than gayest someone’s heart at your each

nearness) everyone certainly would (my

most beautiful darling) believe in nothing but love”

-- e.e. cummings

hallelujah--you're home.

songs of the day: the light, regina spektor / supermarket flowers, ed sheeran / shake it out, florence + the machine / the wind, cat stevens / the first days of spring, noah and the whale.
[see also, these playlists: one and two.]

i went for a jog in my new neighborhood for the first time tonight. i've meant to do so on multiple occasions, but amidst the chaos of externship, the wedding, being newly married, new externship, and getting sick (among other things), it hadn't happened yet. not on my own, anyway. [not that i don't love my hubbers, obvsi. just that i also need/love my occasional alone time.] i made a little round towards a park near where we live--the park we walked to once on a lovely autumn sunday afternoon while engaged, the park we played tennis at with trey and johnnie a few weeks ago, the park we played tennis at together a couple mondays ago, the park just a part of a mile away. the park with pieces of this new home and life of mine.

i used to go swinging fairly frequently while i was still living in provo after my mission. i'd go with jillian. i'd go with megs. i'd go with others. i'd go alone. more often than not, when i went for a jog, somehow i always ended up stumbling into swings as my destination before turning around again. i love swings. i love the way they center my soul. i love feeling the wind course through me. i love soaring towards the sky.

there's been a fair amount of upheaval in the past few years. in ukraine alone, i hardly ever stayed places more than a couple of months. semesters to semesters. graduating from college. moving on to graduate school. amidst all of this living in a few different places. a time of transition, i know--these tumultuous twenties. and with that comes the constant restlessness and unsettled nature of seeking with all your might to find a home for your heart--wondering at times if it would ever be possible to find someone. does anybody know how to hold my heart? sara b was always such an important voice for those years.

on this night, though, as i swung through the wind in the quiet of a monday evening, i felt my soul starting to catch up with my body. when discussing chekhov and grief, i had a russian professor a couple of years ago who referenced the suggestion that it takes around 6 weeks for your soul to catch up with your body. it's been just over 6 weeks since the day i became a wife and my husband became mine forever. and as i rounded the corner with some ed sheeran in my ears, my soul catching up turned to a conscious realization: i'm home. my heart and my soul have a home in this place with this person. and on this, the first chance i've really had to be on my own and let my life seep into me, i was overwhelmed with the purest, most satisfying contentment that exists--the contentment that has reigned much since dating nate, but especially since getting engaged. because my heart can finally rest for a time as school winds down (and therefore life calms down), enough to let me look around to see and smell the blossoms of this life of love.


i think i'll go shnuggle my husband now.
because as i listen to the wind on my soul,
this is what i hear:
hallelujah--
i'm home.

notes from the underground--grad school edition, volume 14.

the past few months have been a whirlwind, if ever there was one.

at long last, though, i think the winds are calming.

march 10th:

i finished a 10-week medical externship that began at the beginning of the year.

(and kicked my trash.)

it was an immense opportunity for learning and growth.

(and sometimes it was just excruciating 

given my lack of experience, lack of exposure, and what felt like overall incompetence.) 

that said,

in my last two weeks i started to hit my stride--relatively speaking.

and it was sincerely such a good opportunity.

my eyes were opened to a whole new world of understanding.

i was working with adults with neurocognitive communication disorders--

strokes, traumatic brain injuries, cancer, etc.

i learned a lot about cognition.

(and a looooot about cognitive strategies.)

it was remarkable to watch progress,

and to see people experience really significant changes in their lives.

it was also heartbreaking to witness the frustration of the given difficulty.

i led a book club for patients/former patients while i was there, 

and though i probably won't be working in this setting or with this population in the future,

i'm grateful that it happened.

and to have had the opportunity to work with so very many remarkable people.

furthermore, it was enlightening 

to be so thoroughly exposed to individuals who had experienced a traumatic brain injury--

an invisible struggle that infiltrates so much of everyday life. 

i wish a larger proportion of the general population was educated regarding brain injuries,

that more people were more compassionate towards those who have experienced a brain injury.

i learned so much about compassion.

compassion for others.

compassion for oneself.

giving people the benefit of the doubt.

seeking to dig inside their day-to-day functioning.

the learning curve was steep, but still i climbed that slope.

and.

i was relieved to just make it through.

cognitive therapy is so important and so beneficial.

but doing cognitive therapy is not my career jamboree.

there's probably so much more i could say about this medical externship of mine.

but for now i'm just not quite sure how.

and so we'll leave it be with this:

i'm glad it happened and for all that i learned (more here and here),

though i'm glad that i'm now in a place more suited to my own aptitudes.

march 13th:

i started my school externship at an elementary school.

it's kindergarten through 5th grade, though they also house a headstart preschool.

so i work with prek-5th graders.

it's the best thing.

i adore it all.

for awhile i was wondering if i needed to find a new profession,

come to find out i just hadn't quite found my place yet.

until now.

i love this setting.

i love these kids.

i love this role.

i love this work.

the learning curve wasn't so steep this time.

it's only been three weeks, 

but it feels ever so much longer--in the best way.

i took over most of the caseload by the third day.

the rest starting on week two.

and i don't even mind.

i'll write more someday about all this,

but suffice it to say:

i love every second.

even the worst days are not really that bad.

i almost wept on the first day with how good it was.

sometimes i almost feel bad with how good life is right now.

but instead of feeling bad,

i plan to enjoy the ride and soak it all in.

it's a good life, you know?

it's a really good life.

as of a week and a half ago my last class is over.

i took the last final i'll ever take,

and am done with all formal college courses.

(CEUs are a different matter--and not nearly so intense.)

it was rough to have the class mostly coinciding with the first 10 weeks--

with the weeks that kicked my trash 

and drained every ounce of energy from me 

because of their intensity.

but hey. c'est la vie, right?

is what it is. and now it's over.

go team go. and i think i'm mostly still kind of standing.

after all these years--

classes and papers and tests and presentations and projects, oh my--

i really am almost done.

feel free to start prepping yourself 

mentally and emotionally for calling me 

master

master em

master krem

master emily

master mrs.christofferson.

oh, yeah.

and by the way.

in the middle of that intensely grueling 10-week medical externship?

i up and got married, 

thereby joining the christofferson clan.

(haaha. and by up and got married, i mean after over 14 months together we finally wed.)

more on that later--because i really do wish to start writing again.

(spoiler alert: it's the best thing, this marriage thing.)

happy (almost) start of april.

just look what the wind blew in.

in lieu of everything i wish i had time/energy to write about:

some words from e.e. cummings about the very best thing in my life right now will have to do.

(and because hearteyes, right?)

silently if, out of not knowable

night’s utmost nothing, wanders a little guess

(only which is this world) more of my life does

not leap than with the mystery your smile

sings or if (spiraling as luminous

they climb oblivion)voices who are dreams,

less into heaven certainly earth swims

than each my deeper death becomes your kiss

losing through you what seemed myself;i find

selves unimaginably mine;beyond

sorrow’s own joys and hoping’s very fears

yours is the light by which my spirit’s born:

yours is the darkness of my soul’s return

–you are my sun, my moon, and all my stars

--e.e cummings

notes from the underground--grad school edition, volume 13.

who knew that the ambition of writing gradnotes
at least once a month while in grad school to chronicle the experience,
was actually too lofty of a goal?
oops.
but here we are.
because that's where we are in america today.

- - - - -

everyone hits the point in grad school.
the point of points that is just part of the experience.

the i'm almost broken and i legitimately don't know if i belong in this career or if i should have signed up for any of this in the first place or why i wrote essays and went through interviews to tell people why i belong here but what am i even doing with my life right now.

^^ THAT point. always in run-on sentence form.
(don't you agree, janessa?)

some people hit it in the dead middle.
others hit it towards the end-but-not-quite-end.
some people at the very beginning.
others at the not-quite-beginning-but-not-yet-middle.

that was me.
last january and early february, i had a really hard time.
reeeheheheheallly hard time.
in which i considered dropping out.
it wasn't just a joking statement that we all make sometimes.
it was a literal, consistent thought.

i hated clinic when i started.
i mean, maybe not hated it.
i liked the clients overall.
but they were trickier cases.
i had no idea what i was doing.
planning and making lesson plans killed me.
it took me forever, i hated feeling like i was a teacher,
because i purposefully chose to not go into education.
some people like making up activities and plans like that.
it made me want to vomit and ugly cry all at the same time.
and.
clinic is the real life.
clinic is what this career is.
and.
if i hated it, what did that mean about this very career choice?

january was rough on a lot of levels.
(have i ever mentioned that i hate january?
oh, right.
just thought i'd throw that out there.
in case you didn't catch it the first five-hundred times.)

in all the winter darkness of struggling with surviving, though.
jillian made me a playlist.
emmylou in january.
with just a little snark and dark, and a whole lot more empowerment and feel-good jams.

in time, it got better.
i'm glad i had some of my most complex clients at the start,
because everything else has felt like a breeze.
it really did empower me.
it really did show me what i'm capable of.
and it really did help me learn the process.
(and find ways for me to not hate it.)

but for january hearts, jillian made some jams.

- - - - -

i've been thinking about my jam lately.
you know, that moment of being in the zone,
able to shut down any outside anythings and focus like a beast?
the jam.

i used to be really good at getting in the jam.
especially in my last semester of undergrad.
(i mean, i was dying and numbing myself which is emotionally unhealthy.
but like. it was really effective for gettingshiiiishtuffdonelikeaboss.)
actually, the whole rest of my undergrad after my mission
i was pretty dang good at finding the jam.
for school, for grad school apps, for the gre.
i could get all intense like that for the things i really was motivated towards.

but.

i've lost my jam.
sometimes i worry lately that i'm not ambitious enough anymore.
that i've lost the ability to get intense and in the zone.
#burnout

but here. now.
in this, the final finals week of my life.
(don't even try to talk to me about phd's.
also the end of the semester is bad timing for that in general.
krem has no intentions of ever doing research or phd or being a formally enrolled student ever again.)
i have no jamming in me anymore.
people keep telling me to give myself a break.
because i'm getting married and stuff. (in 10 weeks!)

but i don't feel like i'm allowed to use that excuse.

i mean, obviously i'm distracted.
obviously i prefer spending time with my love to spending time with school.
but shouldn't i be a better grown up and able to shut everything down and focus once in awhile?
because it's actually really hard for me. #confessions
i feel like i shouldn't be given that excuse.
i don't do much wedding related on a daily basis.
occasionally kind of, but mostly i've been shoving it off to christmas break.
and granted, there's just a lot going on right now.
but. shouldn't i still focus more?
sometimes i feel guilty that i'm not very good at getting into the jam.
that i don't even try sometimes because i'm just so burned out.

just some real talk streams of SFDs* for your saturday.

but today.
today i've been listening to emmylou in january.
and it's my jam.
it's giving me my jam back.

shake it out by florence + the machine is my spirit animal.
spirit song? can that be a thing?

and every demon wants his pound of flesh,
but i like to keep some things to myself.
i like to keep my issues drawn,
it's always darkest before the dawn.

shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out.
and it's hard to dance with a devil on your back, 
so shake him off.

i'm also really into james taylor right now, with a side of billy joel.
and my other jam of the day is you were born by cloud cult.

you were born into a strange world.
like a candle, you were meant to share the fire.
i don't know where we come from, and i don't know where we go.
but my arms were made to hold you, so i will never let you go.
cause you were born to change this life.
you were born to chase this light.

because sometimes all you need
are some jams to give you your jam back, right?
some jams for january.
jamming january.

in honor of education and a final finals week,
i leave you with a photo from the depths of old photo books.
just a little preschool babykrem front and center there from over 20 years ago.

finals week and regression into an incompetent human
alleviated in part by lover, spotify study playlists, and playlists from the bean.

*SFD brought to you by anne lamott and brené brown,
the brilliant humans that they are.
also, probably everyone everywhere
should read rising strong 
at one or multiple points in their life,
because it's just that good.
not even one bit exaggerating.
you're welcome for the gift idea.

merry christmas.
happy finals.
are we done yet?
baaaiiiiii.

i'm trying to write more.

and not be insecure about it.

because writing is good for me and my heart and soul.

(because, realtalktotallyhonest: i'm really insecure about writing any personal words lately.)

and i have stopped writing this year, 

with really good reasons because my focus has been elsewhere.

but i'm trying to start again in multiple forms and venues:

emails, blogs, maybe journals.

messy and stormy and wild mess, though it may be in the process, 

i'm trying.

so if you're bothered by the drafts and messes

that come in writing my thinks, feels, and life:

carry on.

love and air.

i believe in love. 

love that's real, love that's strong,

love that loves on and on.

yes, i believe in love. 

(i believe in love, dixie chicks.)

if you were to gently press two fingers to the wrist of love, i believe you'd feel a gentle, steady pulse. a consistent beating matched with harmonious inhalations and exhalations, all of which together universally signify one very important attribute: life. 

i was in romania when i learned for the first time in my adult life what it truly means to love. to see the face of love and know what love really means. since that time, it's only become magnified and expanded upon. anything i had ever known about love up to that point converged into one, distinct moment: when i saw, for the first time, the face of love. 

most mornings at the orphanage, i purposefully went upstairs first, even though i knew my other kids were already outside playing on the swings. there were three who could walk, and a few others who were invigorated by means of a wheelchair carrying their restricted bodies.

the rest? they remained quietly upstairs, consigned to cribs or beds due to their physical state. three, especially--let's call them felicity, danny, and amelia. three precious beings with cerebral palsy stretching from their brains through their bent limbs and down to their toes. they were always in bed. felicity and danny were side-by-side in two beds smashed together, a special, silent kinship between them, amelia in a crib near the foot of their bed. 

on all those days i spent with them, i sought to discover this one thing: what keeps their heart beating. what does the beat of their love sound like? so i rested my fingers on their souls and took a listen, allowing it to seep into my soul.

one sweltering morning, i made my way up to them to massage their under-used muscles, sing to them, and talk to them. sometimes it was in romanian, sometimes it was in english. i don't think they minded. and as i spent a bit of time concentrating on amelia, i looked deep into her eyes and was surprised with the love i felt inside myself. that was the moment that i realized my love for them, not as a collective unit, but as individuals. i loved the way amelia always perked up with a certain song i'd sometimes sing. i loved the connection between felicity and danny. i loved danny's ever-present smile and cheerful disposition. i loved felicity's gentle sweetness. to say nothing of all the other kids and all the other moments--all those moments that have since become memories to show me my love for them.

and not a single one of those three ever uttered a single word. without a single word exchanged, a door of love opened. inside that door? i came to know their individual identities, trapped within bodies left wanting for a bit of anything. nevertheless, they were content with the breaths they had. invigorated even more by such willingness to give and partake of the breath of fresh love.

i've never had my heart so fully filled as it was then. in reaching into their souls.
i've never seen so directly the influence of love on a human soul as i did then.
my heart swelled wide with love that i gave so freely, and received more than i ever could have anticipated.

there's something about little humans--
they way they love so easily, openly, and willingly.
the sound of the beats and breaths of their love is almost deafening, 

invigorating everything it touches.

love breathes like a filter,
dissolving anything that once was toxic.
with love we breathe.

(this little rough draft of words written late june 2016.)

notes from the underground--grad school edition, volume 12.

okay, okay.
i know.

I KNOW.

so maybe it's been over two months
since i've had a little note about anything at all.
(shoutout to janessa for noticing and appreciating the struggle.)

i've been a little preoccupied.
that's part of it.
also, i've had a hard time sitting down to write in any form,
aside from soap notes and reports, of course.
cause those thangs never end.
ever.
(insert all the unamusedemojifaces here.)

but i'm going to try.
i'm going to try to catch up on
the twelve (read: trillion)
different things there are to write about.

turns out getting engaged (!!!!!!!!! << times infinity)
on top of the usual grad school rigor
means you fall off the planet.
honestly speaking, though?
i got none regrets over here.
pretty sure natum's has got none neither.

(clearly my language abilities are excelling these days.)

unfortunately,
i'm not there yet.
not quite ready to make that journey
into the writing cave.
instead?
i have an exam to study for,
sessions to plan,
soaps to soon write,
more reports to write,
and projects to complete.
(or start. you know. same struggle.)

in the interim,
before i actually can give myself a minute
to enter the writing cave,
i grace you,
the handful of people who even read this blog (hi, janessa👋🏼),
with this hilariously adorable video
of me and my fiancé being delightfully awkward and charmingly hilarious.
(cause. you know. as of october 4th i have me one of those fine fiancé thangs.)

here we are, right on over here.

it's fine. i don't know portuguese either.
mostly our facial expressions are funny.
(to me, anyway. i get myself a little giggle when watching parts of it.)
and we do speak english for a shining little spell in there.

(we know. we're nerds and adorable.🤓🤗)

plus a shameless selfie for good measure.

because. why not?

( you're welcome. )

holding.

because you're supposed to hold on to good things, right?

and my means of holding on to things is to write about them.

and for the occasions when i can't find my words,

i let photos do the talking instead.

so that i may remember the good days that life graces me with.

(because wednesday was a really really good day--

filled with the deepest kind of tranquility.)

plate and i went up the canyon on wednesday.

after a long, cold winter sometimes i forget my mountain obsession.

the way being in the mountains fills my lungs with air.

the way being in the mountains grounds my soul.

the way i say (probably much to his annoyance) over and over again--

i love the sun.

oh, how i dearly love the sun.

made even better by spending a good portion of a day with nate. 

sunshine and mountain therapy is a real thing.

here's to the mountains and the sun.

perfectly magical dots of snow followed by radiant blue skies and sunshine breaking through.

here's to my obsession with springtime in the rockies.

(and enjoying it with an exceptionally good human.)

sorrynotsorry for the attack of photos.

- - -

i can gather all the news i need on the weather report.

i've got nothing to do today but smile.

(the only living boy in new york, simon&garfunkel.)

THIS IS REAL LIFE.

i repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

(insert sappy comment about how darling he is here.)

spring never ceases to fill me with relief.

my soul can breathe again.

happy spring, world.

glorious, glorious spring, indeed.

highlights and lowlights and redlights and golights.

because a little listed summary is the only adequate way to include all the important things.

in no particular order, some delightful lights of the break are included, but not limited to:

+ jillian's sealing. (the most beautiful morning of light.)
+ megs being back in america for a little minute. (can't even. those armknechts, though.)

+ fabfour reunion and an impending #apartment210 reunion. (i can't get over these women.)
+ break being one week longer than the byu one i'm used to. (more than a day after new years? what?)

+ having my first entirely solo session go supa well. (we gonna be bessst friendzzz.)
+ being just as entertained by the 'science experiment' as my client. (and the toy dinosaur that helped us.)

+ reading and reading. on my time. by my choice. the little things, you know? (i highly recommend the giver.)

+ naterson. (i mean. i know. right? i know.)

+ family parties. (and getting to know his delightful fambam.)
+ shnuggletimeourturn. (never gets old.)

+ movies. so many movies. (with a harry potter marathon on top.)
+ chinese food for dayz. (pass the sweet and sour chicken, please.)

+ dinners and laughs with laurs. (we're hilarious.)

+ christmas eve traditions. plus one. (the night before christmas is a crowd favorite.)

+ so many occasions for playing rosatheviolin of my own accord. (and fingers remembering things i forgot.)
+ jenniferannemariemckay. enough said. (cosmic soul connections.)

+ twinkle lights and the poinsettia quilt. my favorite place on a cold winter's night. (always.)

+ visiting with renaenae. (and. logan is literally in the middle of nowhere. how does anyone survive??)

+ the symphony. (always makes me heart-eyed. i really adore evenings at the symphony.)

+ sleeping in. naps. sleeping some more. (sometimes i think i spent the whole break asleep. opa.)

the only lower lights?

- it's january. (my januaryhatred is real. not over it. never over it.)

- snow. everywhere. (is winter over yet?)

- break ends.in three days. (i just.can't.even.)

binding.

dear hublet of the future,

(do people even still write letters like this anymore?

it used to be all the rage to write dearfuturehublet letters.

because there's something endearing and sweet in that, right?

no? just me? i'm probably behind the times.

oh. right. seeing as i'm one of the few remaining in my peer group--

not yet married or about-to-be-married.

got it. moving on.)

- - - - - - -

i have this thought about one little thing in relation to our wedding day.
(aside from the sunflowers, lace dress, and classy suit on you, obviously.)

i want us to have a ring ceremony.

because i want any and everyone to be able to celebrate with us.
to partake of light and love and joy.
we'll be sealed in the temple, of course.
and i'm not undermining the importance of that.
but i'd like to have a civil ceremony as well.

because isn't that the point of weddings--
the way people are brought together in love and unity?
the way i see it, love and unity means everyone should get to be a part.

ergo, i want us to have some kind of a ceremony outside of the temple as well.
and then we'll get on with our charming garden party.
somehow, in some way.

just a little thing.

see you later, see you never.
love you byyeeeeee.

ems.

little talks.

(inspired by megs.)

my favorite russian professor calls we with meg and shariska and greer "the fab four."

i'm sorry, is that condescending?
have one of the fab four look into this.
and in addition to already being my favorite,
he becomes even more so when he tells me why i'm the bee's knees.

my other favorite calls us a power house.

him: wow. the four of you in one apartment? that's what you call a power house.
me: or a house of terror.
(#theyloveus #russianmajors)

in fact, pretty much the entire russian department is my favorite.

(theylovemeandilovethemandsometimestheyvalidatemeanditmakesmywholelife.
like that time they told me the department is disappointed i'm graduating
because that they wanted to give me their russian scholarship.)
i love them all. and the only one i've never had as a professor?

well, last weekend we rode the horses of one of our russian professors.

belonging to this one professor i hadn't yet become acquainted with.

fudgyperfectbrownieswithmegwithit while discussing anna karenina exams.

spending almost four hours writing. by hand. today.

two hours was in english. 90 minutes was in russian.

jlln comes home in 8almost7 days. a couple days ago this is the photo i sent her of thisishowifeelaboutit:

(our jokesnotjokes about being married never stop being funny. or true.)

megs and i just now did a rousing rendition of the indiana jones theme song.
we'relosingourmindssssss.

senioritis is a different kind of lost motivation.

the issue with the exam we had to go take today wasn't the subject matter.

it was getting ourselves to go to the testing center to take the time to think and take it.

the soundtrack to the secret life of walter mitty is excellenceofallexcellence.
(i've never seen the movie, but i do recommend the soundtrack.)

we went to a wedding reception of an elder from my mission on saturday. #makayley

which included seeing some of the people in this world that i love most.

and this weekend there's a mission reunion.

(that i go back and forth on even wanting to go to, почему-то.)
all these loves of mine.

this weather, though. and also. i have an obscene number of photos of the blossoms on my phone.

and also, there's nothing like waking up to blossoms by your bedside.

a few mornings ago when i went running, there was a hot air balloon veryveryclose to our house.

and i love provo hot air balloons.

her name is pearl.

she was the calmest and my favorite.

from all the pretty little horses i got my first sunburn of the season. #worthit

if it seems like all i really talk about is

russian literature, russian professors,

jillian, my roommates, a handful of other people i love,

flowers, and the weather,

well--

you'd be right.

i get lost in my mind.