using your words.

when we talk about children with language disorders,
it often comes down to a deficit in having the words to verbalize experience.
sometimes it's a comprehension difficulty.
sometimes it's an expressive difficulty.
sometimes it's both.
but it always comes back to having words.

i have a supervisor who can't stand when people tell kids to use your words.
quite frankly, i don't really like it either.
it's so trite.
and doesn't really solve the problem,
particularly when someone doesn't have the words they need.
that's often the real problem.

sometimes i feel a little bit like i have expressive language deficits.
sometimes i feel a little bit like i don't have the right words.
oh, i have plenty of words that rest inside me.
but getting them to come out in the right way and the right time?
nothing these days ever seems quite like it comes out in the way i intend for them.

use your words, so many say to children around the world.
use your words so that we as humans may better understand one another.
use all these words to communicate.
use all these words to build connections.

but how can i use my words if i myself am not so sure what patterns or connections to create?
there's so much to say these days that i can't figure out the proper way to say much of anything at all.
and so here i am saying nothing really at all.
it's a start, right?

notes from the underground--grad school edition, volume 8.

they say we're on the downhill now.
that the hardest is behind us.

if that were not the truth, i don't think we'd all make it through.

- - -

i did really well last semester, honestly speaking.
i mean.
i kind of forget that grades are part of my education at this point.
perhaps it's a grad school thing.
perhaps it's a growing up thing and i haven't thought too much about grades in years.
especially now, though.
sometimes i forget that we also receive grades.

nevertheless.
i am doing just fine.
more than fine.

- - -

last week i had my last day at the special ed/communication-based preschool i've been working at.
the slp said she can just see me working in the schools.
talked about how much she loves it.

sometimes i don't think we get to hear that enough.
never is it offered as more than an afterthought:
oh, but it's so wonderful and good and rewarding.
they talk of caseloads, difficulties, the craziness of scheduling.
but it's refreshing to hear about how good it can also be.
that the good isn't just a side effect.
the good is in everything.
because the joy itself is the process of being there.
the fact that in this field you must use your brain.
you have to think.
and that--
that is what makes it rewarding.
the never-ending puzzles to solve with each new client/student.

- - -

i'm really over this grad school thing.
being in our clinic classroom just about kills me with restlessness some days.
i never was made for the student life,
even if i am capable of being a good student.

there are many things i could share about summer clinic, but i'll let that sit for now.
so many thoughts about early childhood, safety, play, and growth.
but those are for another time.
because words come when they come, no sooner.
for now they're still a swirl of a mess inside me.

right now i simply must say,
aside from the swirl of things in my life to process
that i haven't figured out how to set down:
i am doing just fine.
more than fine.

i do love this month of may.