notes from the underground--grad school edition, volume 9.

nothing i write lately feels worth sharing.
i feel like i've lost the poetic knack i once had.

i try.
i really do try.
there are a number of things
i've been trying to write,
but i just.
can't.


i had this (clearly foolish) idea that summer semester would somehow be smoother than previous semesters.
i had this (clearly foolish) idea that somehow it would be less stressful and not quite as consuming.
i had this (clearly foolish) idea that i'd more easily get a handle on everything.
i had this (clearly foolish) idea that clinic would not require so much of me.

clearly, i was wrong.

i wish i had more to document this graduate school experience lately.
i mean, i have pages and pages and pages of notes written about clients, for classes, etc.
but the breezes and gusts that blow through me in the process,
shaping how i think, who i am, and what i see within those i work with, myself, or my future.

but when the task at hand is to stay afloat,
by any means possible,
when the water is exactly at your head--
well, that doesn't leave much time for soul-searching, detoxing, and processing.
the small moments i gobble up in order to revitalize myself and maintain sanity--
those rarely if ever allow for the taxing task of writing through it all.
letting out all the words that help me to understand and gain perspective.
instead, those small and gobbled moments mostly involve
letting life and goodness and bright moments,
spent with even brighter people,
seep deep down into me.
i allow the winds to blow on my soul.
sometimes i listen, sometimes i just let its breezes give me fresh breath.
perhaps i should dedicate a certain portion of each week to writing.
writing whatever comes out for however long i can,
even if only a small amount of time is allotted.
perhaps i should.
so far, though, i regret none of the time
i've dedicated to being with people and sunshine instead.

whatever else anything is, it's better in the summertime.
when the days are long, the sun is bright, and the leaves are green.
i feel like i ought to have something to say for these months.
to adequately describe the chaos, or at least to adequately describe all the things that are sinking me.

academically speaking,
nothing currently feels cohesive.
nothing currently feels like i have a grasp on it.
with each day--or each client, or each email--everything shifts a little bit.
everything requires constant adaptability.

that's fine, really.
it is.
but sometimes--
my soul is just a bit weary of all it takes to stay afloat.

on the other hand,
there are moments.
they never last long,
but there are small, fleeting glimpses.
moments in which i see a small sliver of light shine,
within which i see the growth in myself.
i see the changes in my thought processes.
my critical thinking being refined and becoming more and more like a clinician.
with all there is to know, and all there is to remember, and all there is to be,
there are moments.
they never last long.

i rarely, if ever, feel like i'm taking in enough or that i'm adequately prepared.
what if i get to the end of grad school and find
there are scores of things i should have learned but never took in?
often, i feel under-qualified.
particularly with my summer clinic assignments.
i want so badly to be able to help these children.
i see so acutely their need and their difficulties in communicating.
the complexity of figuring out language
amidst so many other complexities in their little systems and lives.

tell me your secrets and ask me your questions.
oh, let's go back to the start.
nobody said it was easy,
no one ever said it would be this hard.
i was just guessing at numbers and figures,
pulling the puzzles apart.
questions of science,
science and progress,
don't speak as loud as my heart.
running in circles, 
chasing our tails,
coming back as we are.
nobody said it was easy.
no one ever said it would be so hard.
i'm going back to the start.

all these (adorably bright-eyed) puzzles with so many pieces,
in order to truly make progress--
where do you even begin?

song of the day: 

the scientist, coldplay.

like a bandit.

i've never been so happy to be unemployed.

this summer was really hard. but. the other day i made a rory-style pro con list.

well. i began to--about something specific. and turns out the pros were double the cons.

so, i suppose it's not so bad.

i should do it for every part of summer. but i'm not there yet.

stenzie live in utah now and i'm pretttyyyyyy stoked about it.

i like the city of salt.

i don't know how to write anymore.

i am now officially unemployed. in anticipation of #emilyisgoingtogradschool.

oh wait. i already mentioned that? i need to reign in my excitement.

i promise one day i'll finish the writings i started about #emisgoingtogradschool. someday.

i've become obsessive about money and budgets and planning. (perhaps a little too much so.)

also. mint is really great. it feeds my inner need for seeming-control. #there'sanappforthat.

all at once too fast and incredibly slow.

i need to learn spanish. i know i keep saying this. i haven't yet, obviously. but. i need to learn spanish.

the new discoverweekly thing on spotify is actually the greatest.

i've met many people this summer. many interesting people. #twosummerjobs.

i could write a book. i should write a book. but alas. see point number five.

(i know. they're not numbered. just go with it.)

the sunflower explosions alongside every roadway are sometimes the highlight of my day.

and sometimes a bright spot among other bright spots of the day.

it just depends on the day, you know?

i have a thing for cemeteries. shariska does too, so obviously that makes it okay.

there are so many parts of my life that i feel like i can't openly talk about. only in person or with certain people.

i should be used to it. it's always been this way, but for some reason it's worse with age.

started with romania, then there's ukraine.

my profession in general is subject to hipaa.

and there are other parts of life that are secretish or private.

so like. good thing i can't talk about most parts of my life.

and don't want to talk about the other parts. (it'sgoinggreat.)

in case you were wondering why it's been so quiet around these parts, that sure does explain a lot of it.

this week showed me for the millionth time in my life--

even if sometimes ihateeveryone and think people are crazy, i was made for people.

my life needs people to function. (for examples, see here and here.)

speaking of people, i've been missing my people. my pheasants. 

also. i'm going through serious #megswithdrawals.

that means you.

insaneweeks and longtimenosee are the worst.

don't even remind me that she hasn't even left the country yet.

i'm marking it as a personal victory that i finally finished an email to jillian.

nevermind i started it a loooong time ago.

doingthinkingprettybabies.

and i leave you with a selfie of me in my byu is sunglasses and my new olivegreen shirt.

because i like saying olive green. it makes me feel more sophisticated than i am.

and because. why not?

was reading all of this as much of a waste of time as you're suspecting?

most likely.

feel free to compensate for that by giving this song a little listen.

or this one.

i've been fangirling over them lately.

especially the first.

okay.

that's all.

loveyoubaiiiiii.

life [not] in technicolor.

time came a creeping.

oh, and time's a loaded gun.

every road is a ray of light.

it goes on.

time only can lead you on.

still. it's such a beautiful night.

coldplay, life in technicolor ii

because a picture speaks (over) a thousand words.

and because i don't really want to talk about the word part of life since graduation. 

song of the day: life in technicolor ii, coldplay.

time, time is a fickle thing.

To lie sometimes on the grass under trees on a summer's day, 

listening to the murmur of the water, 

or watching the clouds float across the sky,

is by no means a waste of time.

John Lubbock

[the mountains and lakes with those whom one loves are also a good idea.
all in the name of sunshine--and tiedyedpeacesignhippielove, apparently.
you'd think i planned to revisit the 60s all in one. i really didn't.
stay forever, june. though maybe cool down a touch?]

where even the sun seems high.

we had a hales family reunion last week.

(crowd favorite.)

it was slim pickings, though.

many a missionary cousin out in the field these days--all around the world.

to say nothing of the most important fact:

derry was unfortunately unable to attend as they were busy welcoming a new baby girl to the world.

(happy one week of life, baby j! that makes me auntie em times two.)

and in their honor to make them feel at home, i bring you photos.

just a few, cause i'm not much of a photographer these days.

i realized too.

for it being a family reunion, i feel like i didn't spend all that much time with people.

the miker and i drove to and from utah together all those hundreds of miles.

on the way home we accidentally took a little detour that added three hours to our estimated arrival home.

(long past midnight. oops.)

and mostly. i spent the majority of those couple days of reunion vacation bliss with stenzie.

and because i forgot what it's like to be on vacation.

i took a mini nap on the balcony in the mountain sun once.

there's something about that fresh mountain air.

to say nothing of how beautiful colorado is.

i was tired a lot. and then spent more time with stenzie.

did you know--i hadn't even seen my own brother since being home from ukraine?

it's been almost eight months.

twenty-six since we'd seen one another in the person.

we celebrated the ringing in of his twenty-sixth year of life on friday. fitting.

had some lovely chats in random times and places with all other family members floating about.

so. i guess it really was a family reunion after all:

a reunion of the family that is mine.

my how times have changed since the reunions of my youth.

without further ado, a few photos for you.

several days that were good on the soul--including, but not limited to:

evening family devotionals: 

(including mike pretending he's still fiveish.)

 those stunning mountains that no one can ever get enough of.

i climbed up to the mountain, because you asked me.

 then of course was the day we spent with just the nevers.

and if we're telling truths, i think maybe it was my favorite.

there's probably more i could say about it, but i'll leave it simple instead.

a cute lunch bakerycafe // being artsy and painting // walking down a small town mainstreet // italian dinner.

talking, talking, talking. of all the things best discussed in real-life discussions.

 and i'm still having dreams about that turkey cranberry sandwich.

SOGOOD.

 look at steviekins. even he played artsyforaday.

we are artsy. or something.

(weletthepaintdothework.)

this was my creation:

inspired by both this and this.

what can i say? i'm a minimalist.

and, as i was finishing. awake my soul came on in the little art store we were in.

it's a signnn!

 

(translation russian to english: awake my soul.)

STEM:

 we took a little stroll down main street.

a main street much like park city's old main street.

there's just something about the hippie-ness of the coloradians and tourists that gives you room to breathe.

and we found this cookie shop. with sandwich cookies.

most had frosting inside.

what did i choose? the cookie dough sandwich.

cookie dough. surrounded by cookies.

is there a better combo?

probs not.

on friday we with most all the clan hiked to a lake.

lily pad lake.

it's real pretty.

i'm telling you. i'm sold on colorado.

SOLD.

aren't you?

everything everywhere is mountain-town-bliss.

do you see the fox, just off of main street?

f-o-x.

 more nightly chats and devotionals:

 and then came the day when we all parted ways once more.

i'd say we shed tears, but let's be honest. our corner of the family has never really been the crying kind. 

(see you at thanksgiving, stenzie. hellooooo, austin. we'refromutah/i'mfromaustin.)

 also.

#wetakeselfies

steve: 'should we take a selfie so we can get everyone in one?'

ma: 'hey, i know what a selfie is!'

 and this is how the sun set on our colorado days.

short though they were, wonderful and unforgettable they will forever be.

an unexpected kind of letting go.

cause there's something 'bout that mountain air.

something about falling asleep next to a big window while watching the stars burn the night.

the mountain air, i say.

(though the jokes about the high altitude and being high never get old.)

it is well with my soul.

feel the earth.

because sometimes the best way to refresh a heart and soul,

is walking home alone barefoot in the rain.

the warmth of burning asphalt, cooled by the summer moisture beneath your toes.

little puddles here and there as the storm is easing up.

(because we're morally opposed to staying inside during a perfectly good thunderstorm.)

keep the earth below my feet.

for all my sweat, my blood runs weak.

let me learn from where i have been.

keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn.

and i was still, i was under your spell.

i was told by jesus all was well.

so all must be well.

just give me time.

you know your desires and mine.

so wrap my flesh in ivy and in twine,

for i must be well.

below my feet, mumford.

song of the day: below my feet, by mumford and sons.

(because it is perfect and i can't get enough.)

follow me down to the valley.

because the thing about life, is that it's meant to be filled with people.

and the best kinds of people, are those that carry nothing but love.

friendships already understood that hold no expectation.

people that require nothing of you beyond you yourself.

because life is meant to be filled with people that only want you to be you.

so here i bring you some odds and ends of lately, this summertime of fourteen.

(cause i'm a little spotty on updating anything or anyone at anytime about my life.)

jibull down here is our fhe mother. so we decided to have waterballoons for a waterballoonfight.

guess who came?

essentially no one.

just see if we ever plan something real again.

this is sarah stagg. she served in chile and got home four months ago.

she has a banjo.

and she's one of the funniest and most down-to-earth people i've ever known.

she can stay forever. we're a little obsessed with her.

elder withers (tyler? #firstnamestruggles) came to provo for a little minute a few weeks ago,

so we planned a little 'let's get together.'

there's something just so refreshing about these people.

these people who already know. these people who want nothing of you but you.

ukraine eggs are good eggs. the best, really.

member that time i went to brick oven alone with five formerelders? (megochka came late.)

yeah, me neither. worth it for the roaming magic man.

speaking of elders. all of my mtc loves are home now, you know.

i went to a few homecoming shindigs when it happened.

this is elder ogden (steven) and elder egbert (jordan).

and that pretty looker on the right? gwennie was in town!

mtc companion love lasts forever.

and. in case you were wondering. he made it.

(don't know what that means? ask me.)

the blossoming of sunflower season. speaks for itself, yeah?

these are my favorite collection that i like to jog past.

then there was the time i decided a freshman roommate reunion was in order with cassi.

because spending part of a morning catching up with mama cass is good on the soul.

here we are, grown up and moving on. where did those years go?

(don't answer that.)

drop everything now.

because laursy mclaursykins came to provo to visit again. (i'm so demanding.)

we had a gooooood, long chat about all the things. and concluded with sparkling.

sparks flying in the summer night because i bought some really really cheap sparklers once at the store.

because everyone loves flying fire. soul sisters with sparkling? perfect.

i think everyone is due for more sparkles and sparkling in their lives.

last weekend we with sarah and jilly decided to hike up rock canyon in the evening.

but then we only went part way up and then laid down on a rock and watched the stars illuminate.

meanwhile, we talked about the universe, and especially about god.

which includes our mission experiences, and especially a thorough discussion of moses 7.

all in regards to the love of god // hope // agency.

i love these women. i love this beautiful world. i love our god that weeps.

and then the real kicker on top?

my new cheap target kicks.

i'll be your emmylou and i'll be your june, if you'll be my gram and my johnny too.

no, i'm not asking much of you. just sing, little darling, sing with me.

emmylou, first aid kit.

and there's just a small sampling of snapshots. nowhere near an all-encompassing description.

just a few scrambled pieces of this mixer we call life.

peaceeeee.

(cause i know my ma is probably the only one

who is actually interested slash made it to the end of this.

hi, ma.)