[see also, these playlists: one and two.]
i went for a jog in my new neighborhood for the first time tonight. i've meant to do so on multiple occasions, but amidst the chaos of externship, the wedding, being newly married, new externship, and getting sick (among other things), it hadn't happened yet. not on my own, anyway. [not that i don't love my hubbers, obvsi. just that i also need/love my occasional alone time.] i made a little round towards a park near where we live--the park we walked to once on a lovely autumn sunday afternoon while engaged, the park we played tennis at with trey and johnnie a few weeks ago, the park we played tennis at together a couple mondays ago, the park just a part of a mile away. the park with pieces of this new home and life of mine.
i used to go swinging fairly frequently while i was still living in provo after my mission. i'd go with jillian. i'd go with megs. i'd go with others. i'd go alone. more often than not, when i went for a jog, somehow i always ended up stumbling into swings as my destination before turning around again. i love swings. i love the way they center my soul. i love feeling the wind course through me. i love soaring towards the sky.
there's been a fair amount of upheaval in the past few years. in ukraine alone, i hardly ever stayed places more than a couple of months. semesters to semesters. graduating from college. moving on to graduate school. amidst all of this living in a few different places. a time of transition, i know--these tumultuous twenties. and with that comes the constant restlessness and unsettled nature of seeking with all your might to find a home for your heart--wondering at times if it would ever be possible to find someone. does anybody know how to hold my heart? sara b was always such an important voice for those years.
on this night, though, as i swung through the wind in the quiet of a monday evening, i felt my soul starting to catch up with my body. when discussing chekhov and grief, i had a russian professor a couple of years ago who referenced the suggestion that it takes around 6 weeks for your soul to catch up with your body. it's been just over 6 weeks since the day i became a wife and my husband became mine forever. and as i rounded the corner with some ed sheeran in my ears, my soul catching up turned to a conscious realization: i'm home. my heart and my soul have a home in this place with this person. and on this, the first chance i've really had to be on my own and let my life seep into me, i was overwhelmed with the purest, most satisfying contentment that exists--the contentment that has reigned much since dating nate, but especially since getting engaged. because my heart can finally rest for a time as school winds down (and therefore life calms down), enough to let me look around to see and smell the blossoms of this life of love.
i think i'll go shnuggle my husband now.
because as i listen to the wind on my soul,
this is what i hear:
hallelujah--
i'm home.
