love and air.

i believe in love. 

love that's real, love that's strong,

love that loves on and on.

yes, i believe in love. 

(i believe in love, dixie chicks.)

if you were to gently press two fingers to the wrist of love, i believe you'd feel a gentle, steady pulse. a consistent beating matched with harmonious inhalations and exhalations, all of which together universally signify one very important attribute: life. 

i was in romania when i learned for the first time in my adult life what it truly means to love. to see the face of love and know what love really means. since that time, it's only become magnified and expanded upon. anything i had ever known about love up to that point converged into one, distinct moment: when i saw, for the first time, the face of love. 

most mornings at the orphanage, i purposefully went upstairs first, even though i knew my other kids were already outside playing on the swings. there were three who could walk, and a few others who were invigorated by means of a wheelchair carrying their restricted bodies.

the rest? they remained quietly upstairs, consigned to cribs or beds due to their physical state. three, especially--let's call them felicity, danny, and amelia. three precious beings with cerebral palsy stretching from their brains through their bent limbs and down to their toes. they were always in bed. felicity and danny were side-by-side in two beds smashed together, a special, silent kinship between them, amelia in a crib near the foot of their bed. 

on all those days i spent with them, i sought to discover this one thing: what keeps their heart beating. what does the beat of their love sound like? so i rested my fingers on their souls and took a listen, allowing it to seep into my soul.

one sweltering morning, i made my way up to them to massage their under-used muscles, sing to them, and talk to them. sometimes it was in romanian, sometimes it was in english. i don't think they minded. and as i spent a bit of time concentrating on amelia, i looked deep into her eyes and was surprised with the love i felt inside myself. that was the moment that i realized my love for them, not as a collective unit, but as individuals. i loved the way amelia always perked up with a certain song i'd sometimes sing. i loved the connection between felicity and danny. i loved danny's ever-present smile and cheerful disposition. i loved felicity's gentle sweetness. to say nothing of all the other kids and all the other moments--all those moments that have since become memories to show me my love for them.

and not a single one of those three ever uttered a single word. without a single word exchanged, a door of love opened. inside that door? i came to know their individual identities, trapped within bodies left wanting for a bit of anything. nevertheless, they were content with the breaths they had. invigorated even more by such willingness to give and partake of the breath of fresh love.

i've never had my heart so fully filled as it was then. in reaching into their souls.
i've never seen so directly the influence of love on a human soul as i did then.
my heart swelled wide with love that i gave so freely, and received more than i ever could have anticipated.

there's something about little humans--
they way they love so easily, openly, and willingly.
the sound of the beats and breaths of their love is almost deafening, 

invigorating everything it touches.

love breathes like a filter,
dissolving anything that once was toxic.
with love we breathe.

(this little rough draft of words written late june 2016.)

notes from the underground--grad school edition, volume 12.

okay, okay.
i know.

I KNOW.

so maybe it's been over two months
since i've had a little note about anything at all.
(shoutout to janessa for noticing and appreciating the struggle.)

i've been a little preoccupied.
that's part of it.
also, i've had a hard time sitting down to write in any form,
aside from soap notes and reports, of course.
cause those thangs never end.
ever.
(insert all the unamusedemojifaces here.)

but i'm going to try.
i'm going to try to catch up on
the twelve (read: trillion)
different things there are to write about.

turns out getting engaged (!!!!!!!!! << times infinity)
on top of the usual grad school rigor
means you fall off the planet.
honestly speaking, though?
i got none regrets over here.
pretty sure natum's has got none neither.

(clearly my language abilities are excelling these days.)

unfortunately,
i'm not there yet.
not quite ready to make that journey
into the writing cave.
instead?
i have an exam to study for,
sessions to plan,
soaps to soon write,
more reports to write,
and projects to complete.
(or start. you know. same struggle.)

in the interim,
before i actually can give myself a minute
to enter the writing cave,
i grace you,
the handful of people who even read this blog (hi, janessa👋🏼),
with this hilariously adorable video
of me and my fiancé being delightfully awkward and charmingly hilarious.
(cause. you know. as of october 4th i have me one of those fine fiancé thangs.)

here we are, right on over here.

it's fine. i don't know portuguese either.
mostly our facial expressions are funny.
(to me, anyway. i get myself a little giggle when watching parts of it.)
and we do speak english for a shining little spell in there.

(we know. we're nerds and adorable.🤓🤗)

plus a shameless selfie for good measure.

because. why not?

( you're welcome. )