"i thought this was to be the best last day of anyone who ever lived." -mr.m

i said my goodbyes to grace today. until fall.
these were our parting words, the last ones exchanged, i mean.

e: "bye, grace!"
g: "bye, em!"

she called me em. of her own accord. my life is complete.
see here at the almost bottom for how i feel about being called em. just sayin.

( be tee dubs. i'm totally still in love with mr.magorium's wonder emporium.

there are some serious nuggets of wisdom to be found in that movie. just sayin.

and i still love the following song. it makes the world a better place.

the music of cat stevens makes the world a better place. [song below as well as this other song are good examples.] )

el + dub

this post has nothing to do with anything.

whatevs. it's fine.

how cute are they?

i know, right?

really, i know. seriously.

just thought i'd show them off.

photos courtesy of la la's blog.

ha ha.

that's all, folks.

wordless, sauf en français.

 the theme as the orchestra takes over at 3:03 and 7:25?
the whole thing?
there are no words.
i keep trying to come up with a description in words. but words are failing me.cette musique? c'est trop belle, et les mots ne sont pas assez beaux pour la décrire.
i miss orchestra / rosa (my violin).

the following is also stunning.


as is this:
don't you just feel like you could die, it's so beautiful?
what is a life sans la musique?rien.la musique améliore la vie, plus que l'on peut exprimer.peut-t-on vivre sans la musique?j'oserais dire que non, on ne peut pas.je ne peux pas.
obviously i've gotten a little carried away. with french. and music.i can't help it. it's worth every second.i've missed this.

a circle, circling.

i've been trying to survive.the glow that the sun gives right around sunset helps me realize.this is just a journey.drop your worries.you are gonna turn out fine....i know it's hard to remember sometimes,but you gotta keep your head up, oh.and you can let your hair down, eh....it's kinda hard to watch this life go by.i'm buyin' in the skeptics.skeptics mess with the confidence in my eyes.i'm seeing all the angles, starts to get tangled,i start to compromise my life and the purpose.is it all worth it? am i gonna turn out fine?oh, you'll turn out fine....only rainbows after rain.the sun will always come again.it's a circle, circling.around again, it comes around again.i say only rainbows after rain.the sun will always come again.it's a circle, circling.around again, it comes around....keep your head up.you are gonna turn out fine.

[ my go-to cheer up / motivational song for hard days in romania (slash life) has now been found. ]

'my worst fear is drowning'

i realize that the title makes no sense to anyone besides pp10. whatevs.

i feel like i'm behind in everything.

like i have a million things to do. to blog about. memories to record.

but i'm drowning in life.

so much to do, that i can hardly do it all.

i'm way busier than during the semester, and i've miles to go before i sleep.

ahhhhhhh. i have have to make it through the next 12 days.

and magically finish everything.

i'm a moron for leaving so much to these two weeks. that are no longer two full weeks.

on top of spending time with people i love before not being able to see them for three months.

i've hardly any time to breathe.

shoot.

i can't wait for my simple romanian life to begin.

in which i will look completely ridiculous every single day,

and absolutely love every second of it anyway.

baaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

that's all.

on the bright side, my shots for romania are done with. i hate shots.

and my romania to-do list faced some serious casualties today.
i've been way more tired than usual the past few days. especially today after those shots.
weird.

someday i'll catch up with everything else in life. like real life.

today is very much not that day.

la revedere! jusqu'au moment que je peux respirer.

you see, i can be myself now. finally.

as tradition goes with soul sister and me, birthdays require the following in technology world:

happy birthday text--a given.

facebook post on the wall--we're cool.

a blog post--here we are.

call us nerds. but that's the way it is. and that's what it's become.

i'm not complaining.

well looky here. it's april the twenty-sixth once more!

which means just one thing round these parts.

the day of birth of one lauren celeste wertz!

so exciting, we know.

two full decades.

is she old? probably. c'est la vie.

but then again, she is getting married. and you have to be kind of old for that.

whatevs.

but really. on a more serious note.

anyone who reads this is probably sick of hearing it, but i really just love my la. a lot.

she's the sister i never had in my immediate family. and i've decided lately that the only reason for that was so that her whole family could become mine as well as just her. all on top of my own family. i know, you should probably be jealous. having two families is the best. the wertz's are essentially family to me. i love them lots.

i think one of the sure signs that you're really a part of a family is being able to spend time with them without the one person that brought you into that family even being there. while not feeling the slightest bit awkward. sherry spends time with us without doug all the time. la spent will's mission hanging with his family. and i don't think twice about it if la isn't there while i'm with her fam bam. i love it.
(never you mind the fact that everything about us is kind of like a couple. it's fine. someday i won't be the perennial third wheel. also fine.)
the other day we exchanged the following texts:

e: i like how i essentially just count you as family at this point. like, i like it a lot. :)

l: aw i like it a lot too. :) in fact i absolutely love it. and i feel the same way about you. :) :)

sometimes we use multiple smiley faces when we're more than happy.

and we're definitely both offenders of the usage of many smiley faces.

we are friends, but we're not at the same time.

it's different. in a way i can't even really explain.

it just is what it is.

a different sort of relationship that's more like family, even though we're not blood related.

we kind of are anyway.

and quite frankly, there is nothing that brings me greater joy.

family is truly the greatest blessing of anything else in this universe,

and la la is a part of that for me.

and that's the thing. she was my one of my first friends that i ever truly felt like i was being myself with.

and she never had a problem with it. ever.

and that was the first time i'd ever experienced such a thing,

and it's most definitely contributed to who i am today.

and the fact that i've become so very comfortable in myself.

because being yourself is invited when you're around us, because we're dorks ourselves.

to the max.

and really, what i'm really trying to say, is that i'm awfully glad she was born twenty years ago today.

and that our paths did cross.

and they just keep going forever parallel to the path of the other, even farther than the eye can see.

la, let's go visit our lamb chops and east canyon together once more before i go?

we celebrated today,

she might be a recovering diet coke and paradise cookie addict. ok, so we're both obsessed with the latter.

and i gave her a cd playlist for her 'summer sans em.'

and wrote out my reasoning for every song.

she thinks i'm almost as funny as i do.

(laughs)

baaahahahaha. ha.

but really it's an incredible playlist, if i do say so myself.

at least in regards to ourselves.

and because i look like a complete sicko in the pictures on my camera we took together today,

and laur looks completely adorable.

(i blame the romania immunizations this morning.)

i'm adding another fairly recent one for good measure. in which we both look our best.

haaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahaha.

we already know we're super duper cool.

don't ask what movie we were seeing in 3D in the above picture.

just don't go there.

(also you probably shouldn't ask about my uncontrollable laughing fit during the previews of the aforementioned movie.

in a mostly empty theater. that was otherwise dead silent.

besides my laugh, of course.

yeah. about that.)

ok. so really all i'm saying is this.

thanks for being born, laursy. :)

love, ems.

a quick note before i go to bed insanely early.

if you'd like a few days of free therapy after being forced to say goodbye and become homeless,

make sure to do the following.

spend all day everyday with family. including your brother's hilarious in-laws. thanks for the opportunity to do so, graduation.
take a ridiculous amount of pictures. don't forget to get some that portray how doug really feels about pictures. and any formal events. let's be real here.

please note the expressions of annoyance with pictures on doug, steve, and richard's faces. haaahahaa.

then you should probably get out of provo for awhile.
spend an entire evening with the wertzs. some of which while la isn't even there. it's almost the same as the other full days with family. they're extended fam bam.
(oh, and make sure you get mama wertz to give you an easter bag of chocolate.)
watch some random cheesy 90's movie that laur's sister is watching. followed by a league of their own.
"there is no crying in baseball!"
"of course it's hard. if it wasn't everyone would do it. the hard is what makes it great."
let your phone die. it's liberating. don't be anywhere near your computer or internet, either. and even if you are, realize soon that there's nothing enticing about it. real life is better.
take your brother to the airport in time for his departure for peru, just to make you a little jealous that you're not the one checking in and leaving for an international adventure yet.
drive brother's wife home while she sleeps. and laugh as she keeps apologizing for the sleeping.
laugh about brother #2's dating life. and plot for the future with your sister-in-love.
let sherry count your dresses as you go through them to hang them all up before sorting them. 32 dresses. 3 skirts. though this doesn't include the things in the laundry at the time. which probably ups both numbers by 2 or 3. and then laugh about how you live in dresses. on the bright side, the number is much smaller now that you've put some old ones in a di pile.
make homemade pizza that is probably more divine than anything you could ever buy. maybe i'll attach a pizzeria to my bakery&flower shop that i plan to own someday?
if you are going to see friends, be sure to only spend time with provo friends, despite the fact that you're in salt lake and not living together anymore. we just can't keep away from each other. (though i must warn you, this will make you sad that this is the last time you get to enjoy sarah's humor in real life for three months. since she leaves tomorrow. but you'll see tianne for a few more days. so all is well.)
watch the king's speech. and love it all over again. and marvel some more about the fact that it is rated r (call me a sinner and judge me all you want. it's fine.), which is completely ridiculous seeing as there's absolutely nothing in it. the ratings system these days has serious issues.
easter sunday. self explanatory.
marvel with sherry about the buds on the trees and how great spring weather is.
take a two point five hour nap. serious.
eat until you might burst. and then return to grandma's house in provo, and she and grandpa ray will be super excited to see you.
(though this is when you realize that provo is becoming more like home these days than salt lake. you probably spend far too much time here. except you used to live here. that's probably why. good thing you're peacing out in FOURTEEN DAYS.)
forget to bring your external hard drive with all your photos back to provo. the graduation picture stolen from sherry will have to suffice.
sleep. a lot. and go to bed early to top it off.

there's just a few ideas to try out. only if you'd like a large order of bliss, that is.

i hear it comes highly recommended.

let the whole wide earth rejoice.

i know not everyone who will read this is lds. i am aware. but i plead with you to read and watch anyway, regardless of your own beliefs. if you do or don't, i'll never know. but i hope you will. and this i do know: there is no piece of truth in my life so important as this. no strength, joy, comfort, or peace so strong as this simple, yet profound, knowledge available to all.

there are a million things i could say on this beautiful easter sunday. and yet, i simply say this.

he lives.

he who once was dead, lives.

how sweet the joy this sentence gives,

i know that my redeemer lives.

he lives to bless me with his love.

to plead for me above.

to silence all my fears.

to calm my troubled heart.

he lives to bring me safely home.

i know that my redeemer lives

the savior, jesus christ, is not a man spoken of only in ancient scripture.

not a half-forgotten historical figure.
he lives.

he was, in fact, raised from the dead three days after his death.

despite the darkness and loss the world faced that solemn friday so many years ago, sunday did come.

sunday always comes.

the day of life, the day of hope.

'he is not here, for he is risen.'

he lives.

“In all the history of the world there have been many great and wise souls, many of whom claimed special knowledge of God. But when the Savior rose from the tomb, He did something no one had ever done. He did something no one else could do. He broke the bonds of death, not only for Himself but for all who have ever lived—the just and the unjust.

When Christ rose from the grave, becoming the firstfruits of the Resurrection, He made that gift available to all. And with that sublime act, He softened the devastating, consuming sorrow that gnaws at the souls of those who have lost precious loved ones. I think of how dark that Friday was when Christ was lifted up on the cross. ... On that Friday the Savior of mankind was humiliated and bruised, abused and reviled. It was a Friday filled with devastating, consuming sorrow that gnawed at the souls of those who loved and honored the Son of God. I think that of all the days since the beginning of this world’s history, that Friday was the darkest.

But the doom of that day did not endure.

The despair did not linger because on Sunday, the resurrected Lord burst the bonds of death. He ascended from the grave and appeared gloriously triumphant as the Savior of all mankind.

And in an instant the eyes that had been filled with ever-flowing tears dried. The lips that had whispered prayers of distress and grief now filled the air with wondrous praise, for Jesus the Christ, the Son of the living God, stood before them as the firstfruits of the Resurrection, the proof that death is merely the beginning of a new and wondrous existence.

Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.

But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.

No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come.”

joseph b. wirtlin, sunday will come

and sunday does come. of that, i am completely sure. and there is nothing more beautiful than that sunday.  those sundays of life are what make everything else worth it. everything else bearable.

because christ suffered and experienced everything--the sins, joys, and sorrows of every person who ever lived--we do not have to suffer alone. in the depths of our sorrow, he has experienced even worse. he knows it all. from the most divine and transcendent of joys, to the deepest wells of grief, he has known all. and it is that spectrum of experience through which he has been given understanding. elder holland tells it much more eloquently than i ever could.

full original talk: none were with him, jeffrey r. holland.

there is nothing more greater than that complete understanding and empathy.
and despite knowing all of our faults, the perpetual acceptance.

he knows.

he lives.

my kind, wise, heavenly friend lives.

and loves me (and you) for always.

and there is no thought more beautiful in all the world.

if i sound preachy, i don't mean to be.
but maybe i kind of do. maybe a little bit.
have you ever known about something really great?
something that brings you joy? peace? love?
i have.
and the first thing i want to do as i explode with the feelings of peace and love, is share.
share it with those that i love.
share the beauty and let them experience the same.
share the comfort and love, so they too can feel that peace on the fridays of their lives.
no matter how dark the day, there is always light.
the light is always darkest just before the dawn.
the dawning of the savior.
let him into your heart.
for that makes all the difference.
you'll wonder how you ever lived life without it.

and so, dear reader. i may not know who you are. but i'm dying to say this.
i love you.
and so does he.
a love beyond comprehension.
i once heard someone say they wondered why christ would suffer so immensely for them.
feeling so insignificant, so unimportant.
why would he do that for every single person?
surely they didn't deserve such a sacrifice.
but they do deserve that sacrifice.
everyone does.
it was out of love.
LOVE.
because he loves everyone.
he loves me.
he loves you.
i love him, because he loved me first.
he doesn't have conditions on his love.
he doesn't withdraw love.
it's always there.
despite our faults, mistakes, and stupidity,
he loves us still.
and his hand is stretched out still, waiting for us to let him in.
let him into our hearts as he wraps his arms around in comfort.
for there is always one who understands.

mother, liz lemon swindle.


and that, friends, is the most important of easter messages.
he is risen to save the world.
he conquered death to save the world.
christ has one the victory.
and now,
shall we not go on in so great a cause?
courage, and on to victory we go.
in the end, it's all about the love.

changes, never been good with change.

sometimes i forget that before a new adventure can begin, there are a whole lot of goodbyes involved.

and maybe, just maybe, i forgot how hard goodbyes can be when it comes to people you love.

maybe because i haven't had any real goodbyes in so long? mostly just a lot of hellos.

what a (long, good, awful, sad, melancholy, hard, happy, satisfying, emotional) day.

i may or may not have cried once i got into my car and was by myself. yeah. 

"all changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy;

for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves;

we must die to one life before we can enter another."

anatole frances

i've been feeling that sort of melancholy a lot this week. and this quote applies (almost creepily) to every aspect of my life.

today and these next few weeks are just another life dying.

a part of me lost forever.

see you on the flip side.

get lost and then get found

i'm obsessed with coldplay. and iron and wine.

i just had the strongest urge to watch mr.holland's opus. welp. today's movie while i pack is picked.

i really don't like moving.

my roommates and i had a bonding dinner/photos. on monday night. and we actually had fun together.

for hours. all of us. and yet now we're moving out. sad how that one worked out.

we are cute, though.

(more later)

i need to eat more regularly. except with moving, i have no food. flip.

oh hellooooo. did i mention I'M DONE WITH FINALS? nope? not yet. welp, although this is now a late announcement,

I'M DONE WITH FINALS. la revedere, winter semester. i probably won't miss you.

ok. just kidding. i'll miss getting to be in the cadaver lab.
not the quizzes. just the lab.

(yes this is emily. amazing that i just said that, right?)

and i'll miss romanian. for reals. our class was hilarious.

and i did love my comd classes.

ok, so it wasn't thaaaat bad. but i still won't miss it.

you know it's getting close to romania when you no longer need the 'de' before zile.

meaning:

optsprezece zile!

that's eighteen days. obviously.

sometimes i get really nervous about romania, but now, i mostly just get excited. especially when i think about the rad group of people i get to spend my summer with. we have such a good group. just saying.

for reals, how cute are we? so excited.

so we took videos during our roomie dinner as we went around the table and talked about our memories of each other, person by person. and i went through them all last night. and i might have almost cried. i was feeling so nostalgic. it was like an out of body watching-the-past kind of moment.

mostly i'm nostalgic because this is the longest i've ever lived with a group of people that's not my family and the longest i've lived in a place that's not home. serious. so i've obviously been doing lots of reflecting on the past year throughout the week.

sarah and i went through and listened to nostalgic songs. and might have almost cried a few times.
theme song? you're gonna miss this. trace adkins.

everything is changing, nothing stays the same. i'm not really sure how i feel about it.

ok. just kidding. i'm not really a fan. but i am. depends on the day?

it's a powerful moment, though simple, when people say they're sad that you aren't coming back and that you'll be gone. like they'll actually miss you. maybe it's a lie. maybe it's not sincere. but when it is, there's nothing like it. i wish i could say that happened more often. i think people should admit to missing and loving people more often.

sometimes i feel replaced. and i don't like it. adjustment phase.

i've said this before, but i'm kind of thrilled for the escape that romania is. escaping to a foreign country with minimal communication? i think it might be just what i need right now. oh wait, it is.

it was kind of weird to realize that some people leaving around right now, i won't see again till i've already gone and come back from romania.

i have some serious packing and consolidation of my life to do. and i'm maybe going a weeeee bit crazy with getting rid of things. my roommates are loving the first dibs at my di pile. haaaa.

moving proves significantly more complicated when configuring the 'three weeks before i leave for romania', 'romania', and the 'won't need until after romania' piles.

i bet you can't tell what's on my mind lately.

speaking of, time to get to work, i think.

not i think. it is.

i'm completely obsessed with all the blossoming trees everywhere!

i love spring.

i bid you adieu. with this photo from a few sundays ago.

love my mountains.

and no, i have no explanation for why this is so long.

c'est la vie.

apologies for laughing.

sometimes sarah and i go to the library late at night.

and then when we first get there, have a laugh attack that lasts thirty minutes.

the people in the tables around us loooooved it. naturally.

and because we were between the music section, dance section, and asian section,

our study break was to find out what the heck they write in books about dance.

yeah, i don't know if we ever really figured that one out.

 yes that sure does say apology for dancing. and the other sure does say teaching your wings to fly.

don't worry, we got the laughter covered for you.

thanks for the fun, harold.

i won't miss you between now and august.

i'm just being honest.

i'm not obsessed with fresh flowers. obviously.

yes, i do in fact realize the fact that i move out in three days.

it's fine.

i bought flowers anyway.

 "the presence of flowers triggers happy emotions!"

i couldn't agree more, tulip wrappings. i really couldn't.

i hate finals.

a home.

going to a funeral is a humbling experience. and it puts life into perspective like nobody's business.
this life is so short. it can change so fast.
colleen was a beautiful soul. a jewel, really. and her eyes twinkled with her smile. which was ever-present. i admire that.
therefore, after today, i have come to some important conclusions.

someday:

i'd like to live in a home with lace curtains. a home with a big front porch and a soft porch swing just waiting to be rocked in on a warm summer day, glass of lemonade in hand. fresh flowers ever-present throughout the year on the inside. and a flower garden outside in the yard. oh, yes. i'd like a yard for my kiddies to play in as well. preferably one large enough to accommodate picnics and other gatherings. in the spring and summer time, the fresh flowers on my table will come from my own garden. this home will have lots of windows, in order for the natural sunlight to flood its way through every room and join the flood of love that will be present in every room.  someday, i want to learn how to always have advice for anything my kiddies ask me about or are concerned with. i want to know just what to say that makes them feel just right. whether they're three years old, or forty-three.  i want to make bread. not just for the fact that freshly homemade bread is more nutritious, but also because then my children can learn this life skill. we'll save money in making our own bread, as well. and i learned today how the making of bread is full of life lessons to be learned.  in this home, sunbeam naps will be encouraged, especially on summer sunday afternoons. the windows and doors will be open often, with screens where necessary. and the breeze will flow freely on warm summer days that aren't too hot. i'd like a nice and big family room, for that is what it will be: a room for family. and at some level we're all family, aren't we? whether or not it's a link by blood or marriage, we are eternal. i want it to be big enough to accommodate all who enter, but small enough to still feel charming and cozy. comfortable, not intimidating. and bookshelves! oh, the bookshelves we'll have. i wouldn't be my parents' child without them. they'll be full of books and easily accessible. following colleen's advice: read good books. read a lot of them. my kiddies will learn from a young age the wonders and importance of reading. i'd also like a piano. someday, at least. my kiddies will all learn a musical instrument. it's good for the brain. and music will be plentiful in this home. a place of perpetual learning. i'd also like it to be a place of color. not a monotonous white. i think a little bit of color is just what life needs sometimes, and if in my home is the only place to find the 'colors of life,' then so be it.

and while all these desires may seem materialistic, they're not meant to be.  the reason for my desires is this: i want family time spent together in this home to be not just encouraged, but desired.  i want all who enter this place to feel loved and cared for--to feel home, regardless of whether or not they are immediate family. i want it to be a place of love and nurturing, a place of peace. i want my family to want to spend time together. to want to invite friends and neighbors. to want to be there, regardless of what they're doing. between the big and plentiful windows and a yard, i'd like time devoted to be still. maybe even a weekly family tradition. 'be still, and know that i am god.' time set aside for cloud watching, star gazing, and pondering the mysteries of the universe. time set aside to just plain be. to appreciate the beauties of the universe. and most of all, to soak up the time we have together. for it will no doubt pass too quickly and seem too short. good thing we ultimately have eternity at our disposal. we'll need every second, for forever will not be long enough. it never is with the people you truly love.

photos here, here, here, and here.

"Home is the one place in all this world where hearts are sure of each other. It is the place of confidence. It is the place where we tear off that mask of guarded and suspicious coldness which the world forces us to wear in self-defense, and where we pour out the unreserved communications of full and confiding hearts. It is the spot where expressions of tenderness gush out without any sensation of awkwardness and without any dread of ridicule."

Frederick W. Robertson

lauren celeste wertz (burnett)

this is the first picture i have that we took together. la la and me. this was just before christmas, 2007.

the world has changed so much since then. (though we're obviously just as dorky. if not moreso.)

i knew her before our junior year of high school, barely. we were acquaintances with mutual close friends. that was all. i never expected any more to stem from it. junior year, we had calculus together with croftykins every day. on the first day when we all sat down randomly before any sort of seating assignment had been decided, we ended up at the same table. and i thought very little of it. well, we saw each other more and more. we died through calculus together. she and i became a mini sort of family with will and isaac. honestly, though it was hard, to date that was one of my favorite classes i've ever taken. we had such a good class as a whole, and croft was like an angel. i sincerely loved it. i think we all did. i remember one particular day that we had a sub, and were supposed to be working on homework. whenever either of us was feeling a little down, it always ended fast when the other was around. i remember this day being down, and sitting listening to music and laughing with la. talking about silly things and listening to cute songs. our song: calling you, blue october. she was going to make me a cd of feel good songs, and the next day came back with three full cds instead. lauren's prescription. she made/makes me feel good.

back then, i remember feeling weird about how close we were getting so fast. because i knew i was usually slow to open up to people. slow to let them in as close friends. and yet it was less than a month, i believe, before we were closer than i ever was with a lot of people i had known up to that point. cheesy as it is, i think it was partially through fbook that our relationship progressed more and more. we used to write back and forth occasionally, mostly about calc. and then a little more all the time about more general things. i remember the first time she said i love you in a message. the beginning of october, 2007. i remember being caught off guard. especially because i didn't grow up surrounded by people that outwardly said 'i love you.' it was always shown and assumed instead. (yes i do realize how cheesy this is and how much it sounds like a boy-girl relationship. that's life. haaaha.) and as i looked back at those posts to write this, i laugh at how surface-level they are. how silly. bits of information that just seem second nature by now. like finding out more about the siblings i didn't even know she had. it seems silly that i ever didn't know them. gradually our mutual friends were merging, but as they did, we were closer. like our own group. we started working on calculus together and eating honey bunches of oats. not really sure how it started. it just did. hboo and calc. and learning intricate details about each other much sooner than i'd ever told such things to anyone else. and that was that. like clockwork, really. suddenly we were the best of friends. destined as friends from the outset. all because of calculus. the class that changed our lives forever, hers even moreso. the place we became friends, and the place she met will.

i remember plotting with isaac, both of us convinced that la and will liked each other. hilarious and trivial, really, in retrospect. i would chat with her about it. he would ask will. and then we'd sit and laugh to ourselves about it, until they both finally admitted to it. they went on a date together to concerto night. march 18, 2008. the night that started it all. i remember them acting so strange the next day, but not saying anything at all. i remember knowing something had happened, but not knowing what. after school that day, i remember laying on my bed on the phone with her as she told me about their date. their 'dtr' of sorts. the first kiss. the beginning.

yes our eyes are practically the same color. yes we love it.

we stayed best friends. they continued dating. like clockwork. packed with love. senior year we became our own group. while we had other friends, we mostly kind of just liked being with each other. plus some others joining the party every so often.

february 2009, will left on a two-year mission to japan. one of the hardest things she ever did. i'm sure i'll never even be able to comprehend how hard it was. all i ever tried to do was be there for her, even if i couldn't understand it all, we were friends all the same. i don't think i realized in those moments how much i really don't think i understood. regardless, much to my surprise, through it all, even up to that point, we were still friends. i've few close friends that have lasted more than a year, and by that point, it had been a year and a half. we just kept on truckin.

we became friends and our friendship progressed rapidly from that time at the beginning of our junior year, and continued ever onward. perhaps it's selfish and one-sided, but i needed her so much then. at that time, she was my happiness. a constant in my life that accepted everything as it was, and didn't judge me or try to offer condescending advice, but just loved me and stayed by my side. it wasn't until the end of my senior year that i ever fully realized how much i did need her. more than i ever really knew. and how divinely led she was into my life. see here. sometimes just thinking about our friendship makes me almost want to cry. ok, so maybe sometimes i do cry. it's so divine. beautiful. and a privilege, really that i'm blessed with such a friend. a friend who in some ways isn't just a friend anymore. but more like a sister, our lives infinitely and eternally connected. i'm sentimental and sappy, as we all know. but truly, i love this girl.

our lives parted ways for the first time since becoming besties as we entered college, she at the university of utah and me at brigham young university. it was awful. especially at first. i love college a lot, but being away from best friend, experiencing such different things. well, in a nutshell: it's not always all that fun to have lives and experiences that are no longer shared. there's no avoiding this fact--even in the simplest ways. there are differences between our schools (ohhh heyyyy. duh.) there are differences in the people we interact with, especially because of the difference in schools. differences in our home lifestyles, she in a home with family and me in a student apartment with roommates. and the most noticeable: now we both have close friends that the other doesn't necessarily share. which, simply stated, is hard. moral of this story: we're not a fan of living in different cities. but, on a brighter note, as compensation, we may or may not have communicated in some form or another (usually texts) almost every single day since i moved to provo. i know, right? please be impressed. there's only a few days we've missed more recently. and i think we've come to a nice unspoken understanding (tell me if you disagree, la) that though we can't really share as many experiences together anymore, we can share in each other's lives. and we still are important in each other's lives, even if we're living apart. three and a half years later, the uncontrollable smiles and laughs roll on.
maybe it's just me. but it takes some coping as lives progress and the dynamics of a relationship are adjusted accordingly. and maybe that's just part of growing up--that gradual readjustment of perspective in relationships. as well as reevaluating where a relationship stands and your own role in it. the dynamics of the friendship, so to speak. so now, we live for surprise visits to provo or salt lake, even if they are short. and we've learned to make the most of the time we do have together in person, as well as taking advantage of other methods of communication. it's different, yes. and we both have our moments that we just plain, old-fashioned stink at communicating very well. we're only human. but we are still soul sisters. and i still love her more than words could really do justice.

and as it turns out, i'm not the only one who loves her like crazy. (duh. who wouldn't love la?)
and turns out, our lives are about to make another partition towards different paths.

william jack burnett returned more than honorably at the very beginning of march 2011. and even before that point, i think i knew and had slightly predicted the outcome, even before la fully realized exactly how things would go. (seriously, laur. i should get a prize. did i not call it?) well, turns out they kind of love each other a lot. and turns out they're quite a divine couple. and turns out, they want to seal the deal for always. because there's no one else they want to spend their lives with. which is understandable. they're perfect. what i'm trying to say, is this.

lauren celeste wertz is going to be lauren celeste wertz burnett.

that's right, friends.
(don't act like you didn't know this was coming.)

will and laur are engaged!

my la la. all grown up and getting married.

i might be kind of excited for them.

and probably more obsessed with them than they are with themselves.

maybe.

mr. & mrs. will and lauren burnett.

i've literally NEVER seen la so consistently happy. ever. truly, she is beaming. just being around her makes me smile. she exudes love and joy from every fiber of her being. she deserves this happiness. more than anyone i know. to say i'm happy for her, would be an understatement. i don't know how i couldn't be. they are a divine couple. just thinking about how happy she is makes me smile. just thinking about both of them makes me smile. as in, i can't stop smiling or giggling like a little schoolgirl. la's other half = found. and while it's hard that things will change a bit, i'm beyond happy for her. and can't even wait until we have a foursome. :)

i love that she's in love. i love that i know and love the man himself so well and have my own friendship with him, not just an association through laur. i think it would be much harder for me and her if this were a situation in which i didn't really know the fiancé. or worse, if i didn't like him and felt like he wasn't good enough. and while no one could ever be good enough for what my la means to me, will is as close as they come. he absolutely adores her. and she him. i've no doubt that they'll have their own happily ever after. i've no doubt at all, for they're already living it. you can't buy that kind of love and happiness. you just can't.

and please gush with me about how flippin gorgeous that ring is. for reals. BEAUTIFUL. and it's even prettier in person.

i love you, la. more than you'll ever know.

your happiness is my happiness.

and right now, the happiness is overflowing.

i love you. i love will.

i love you+will.

i love love.

oh, and in case i never actually said it outright: CONGRATULATIONS. :)

70% of germs.

picture this:

this morning i woke up legitimately concerned about the hand sanitizer situation in romania. due to the fact that i had a dream about (long story short) being in a hospital hallway surrounded by a bunch of sick kids and their parents standing in a line. and i wanted to use the hand sanitizer so i could help myself not get sick too. but they had normal soap right next to it, and only the normal soap came out. so i was all sticky! so i  woke up thinking:

     a. can i buy hand sanitizer in romania that actually works?

     b. do i need to get some to take with me? and i was very concerned.

as i told my roommates about this while they were getting ready for the day, i just kept walking back and forth. and they mocked me in my deep concern, obviously. and then i started thinking that maybe i had this dream after hearing about the measles outbreak in (wait for it) GRANITE school district. oh, heyyy. that's the schools i went to. and what if one of those kids, even if he's not really measley--but just has some of the germs--goes home and has a pregnant mother? well, what if she catches those few germs and gets rubella. and then the baby could be born deaf. at this point i might have had tears in my eyes. i don't think my roommates have ever laughed so hard before 8:30 in the morning.

and then i sat down on the floor in laughter/despair, so naturally sarah told me i was infertile.

[romanians believe that if you sit on the ground outside, it makes you sterile. concrete? THE WORST.

really, this is a legitimate concern/superstition they have. like the curent (a cross breeze) that they believe makes you sick/gives illness.]

obviously it's been an interesting morning.

and it's bound to be an interesting day.

i heart finals. and romania freak outs.

feel free to laugh at me. naturally.
p.s. today = 25!

pep talks.

last night tom and i bonded over our love for billy joel. he just gained like 10 coolness points.

tom says that when he thinks of class, he thinks of me. it was probably laced with sarcasm. but whatevs. he said i'm classy. i'll take it. it reminded me of last december when mme.petelo said something similar. (click here. see second paragraph.) ha ha. haaaaaaa. [feel free to laugh. i sure am.]

---

sometimes i read this to calm myself down. i was so sure then. and now i'm freaking. but this calms me down and reminds me that i do, in fact know what i'm doing. and i am excited. sometimes (a lot) lately my freak out levels come higher than excitement levels. those aren't exactly my favorite moments, in a nutshell. but i'm still super excited. and maybe trying to convince myself sometimes as i say those words. but i am feeling much more tranquil after rereading that. twice. maybe i might have read it again just now to make a third. but i really sincerely am thrilled for this upcoming life-changing experience. douăzeci și șase de zele. (TWENTY-SIX DAYS.)

isn't it funny how you can feel so sure and set about life decisions at one point, but then after you think you've decided, you start freaking and aren't so certain? but then you are sure again. but then plans change sometimes. which reminds me of this excellent talk. and so, to calm myself about romania. (and just maybe a few other life things.) sometimes i think of this talk. quite frequently, actually. over and over again. it's comforting. promise. [i realize it's a little long. but so worth it.]

"Like Moses in his vision, there may come after the fact some competing doubts and some confusion, but they will pale when you measure them against the real thing. Remember the real thing. Remember how urgently you have needed help in earlier times and that you got it. 
...That is the second lesson of the spirit of revelation. After you have gotten the message, after you have paid the price to feel his love and hear the word of the Lord, "go forward." Don't fear, don't vacillate, don't quibble, don't whine. You may, like Alma going to Ammonihah, have to find a route that leads an unusual way, but that is exactly what the Lord was doing here for the children of Israel. Nobody had ever crossed the Red Sea this way, but so what? There's always a first time. With the spirit of revelation, dismiss your fears and wade in with both feet. In the words of Joseph Smith, "Brethren [and, I would add, sisters], shall we not go on in so great a cause? Go forward and not backward. Courage, brethren [sisters]; and on, on to the victory!" (D&C 128:22).

The third lesson from the Lord's spirit of revelation in the miracle of the crossing of the Red Sea is that, along with the illuminating revelation that points us toward a righteous purpose or duty, God will also provide the means and power to achieve that purpose. Trust in that eternal truth. If God has told you something is right, if something is indeed true for you, he will provide the way for you to accomplish it. That is true of joining the Church. It is true of getting an education, of going on a mission or of getting married or of any of a hundred worthy tasks in your young lives.

be led out of bondage by power, and with a stretched-out arm...
Therefore, let not your hearts faint ... : Mine angel shall go up before you...
...and also my presence, and in time ye shall possess the goodly land. [D&C 103:17–20]


What goodly land? Your goodly land. Your promised land. Your New Jerusalem. Your own little acre flowing with milk and honey. Your future. Your dreams. Your destiny. I believe that in our own individual ways, God takes us to the grove or the mountain or the temple and there shows us the wonder of what his plan is for us. We may not see it as fully as Moses or Nephi or the brother of Jared did, but we see as much as we need to see in order to know the Lord's will for us and to know that he loves us beyond mortal comprehension. I also believe that the adversary and his pinched, calculating little minions try to oppose such experiences and then try to darken them after the fact. But that is not the way of the gospel. That is not the way of a Latter-day Saint who claims as the fundamental fact of the Restoration the spirit of revelation.
...Fighting through darkness and despair and pleading for the light is what opened this dispensation. It is what keeps it going, and it is what will keep you going. With Paul, I say to all of you:
Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward.
For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise. [Hebrews 10:35–36]
I acknowledge the reality of opposition and adversity, but I bear witness of the God of Glory, of the redeeming Son of God, of light and hope and a bright future. I promise you that God lives and loves you, each one of you, and that he has set bounds and limits to the opposing powers of darkness. I testify that Jesus is the Christ, the victor over death and hell and the fallen one who schemes there. The gospel of Jesus Christ is true, and it has been restored, just as we have sung and testified this morning.
"Fear ye not." And when the second and the third and the fourth blows come, "fear ye not...The Lord shall fight for you." "Cast not away therefore your confidence." I say this in the sacred and holy name of our Protector and Redeemer, even the Lord Jesus Christ. Amen."

Jeffrey R. Holland, Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence

so i might have gotten a little carried away with the copying and pasting.

but that's because the whole thing is SO good.

and so applicable to every.single.person.

right this second, regardless of the minute differences in details from one life to another.

it's always applicable.

yes, that means you reading this right now.

i find it very applicable.

please read the whole thing sometime when you catch a second.

i know it's the middle of finals.

but i promise it will make you feel so much better, and at peace.

and therefore more effective.

please do.

{ and maybe i'm obsessed with having deep chats about life.

and this very subject.

so if you want to have one with me, i'll twirl in circles many times in my twirliest skirt or dress.

[that's my method of jumping for joy.]

for reals. let's have one.

anyways. }

and now i am calm.

fear and faith cannot coexist.

'there is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear'

1 john 4:18.

I CAN DO THIS.

don't mind me. i'm just over here giving myself a serious pep talk from my library cubicle.

la revedere.

26 de zele, prietenii mei. 26 de zele.