badadadadum.

when i play the violin, there's this internal dialogue that takes place. not a spoken language, but a language unique to the way i remember or process that which i'm playing. a weird combination of sounds and numbers. and not necessarily numbers quite the way we recognize them, but with a weird accent in them. it doesn't make sense, i know. it just. is.

i'm a little bit hating russian right now. not all of it. there's just one of my classes that isn't my favorite. but sometimes it leads to hating all things russian. i'm working on it. it's just. a struggle. and real hard for me. the saving grace, is that pushkin is pushkin: a genius across time and space. the discussion and interpretation of this was a little bit of a life changer for me. and i also find this and this incredibly beautiful. (links are to english translations.)

megochka beth and i have had some real good chitterchats lately. also. we watched ygm over the weekend for the first time in a looong time. i still have pretty much the whole thing memorized, so nobody fret.

by just before my one year mark home, all of my daughters will also be home. what a day that will be. good thing i have a few months until i have to think of such things. BUT. sissy rohrbaugh is coming home in a couple of weeks. (elevendays!) and i'm selfishly ecstatic.

there's this absolute cupcake of a human soul from my last area of my mission. his name is vlad. vlad is in his mid-twenties. and he is a member, albeit less active. sister fin and i adore his soul. he's awkward, but darling. went tracting with us once always so happy to see us and be our friend. anyway. vlad sent me theeee most darling message yesterday out of the blue. and i almost wept it made me so happy. ilovehim. therearegoodpeopleinthisworld. thereareacoupleukrainianswholoveme.

we had a mini unexpected mission reunion following regional conference on sunday. unplanned. somehow we all walked by the same corner outside the marriot center. and. it filled my bucket right up. goodsouls.

i think i reaaaaaally like my major. i think the process of applying to grad school makes me want to tear my eyes out. also. HEARINGAIDSARESOCOOL. sometimes i wonder if maybe audiology is secretly my true calling. and. i watched sound and fury for a class today. cochlear implants are so controversial. i can't decide where i stand in relation to this documentary.

today i was reminded several times that there really are good people in this world. and they're worth fighting for. good, delightful, genuine people. and for this. it's worth it.

i'm currently accepting suggestions for the best places inside the hbll. i've yet to find a favorite place for this semester. and i only have so many more chances to explore all my options. also. being near study rooms where people are suuuuper loud when you're trying to focus is the most annoying thing on the planet.

did i ever mention that derry had another little girl? did i ever mention that my nieces are the most darling humans on the planet--via photo, anyway? runs in the family. only thing that could make it better would be if they weren't on the other side of the country.

what would it be like to live in a world where russian wasn't consuming my soul? this here is fairly accurate. i believe my favorites are 1 // 2 (SOTRUE.) // 7 // 9 // 13 // 16 & 17 // 18 // 22 // 24 (MYLIFE.) // 26 (imayormaynothaveactuallysaidthistoday). how is this my life?

my thirst for sunshine is still insatiable. and the autumn turning leaves are beautiful. (i'mscaredofwinter.)

bean, staggley, and i are getting scared of this little dry spell lasting forever. let's hope it ends soon. hashtag. dryspell. on the bright side, our ward is such a different environment with the new year. so much more room to breathe these days.

there's more i could say probably. or less i could say. but. alas. мне пора уснуть. time for me to go die. and collapse. and then begin the drowning life again in the morningtime. so i suppose this is all i'll say for now.

questions? comments? good. me neither.

if i type окружающая среда one more time. so help me.

just a few things as of late.

bean copied this down. and gave it to me. and. i think these words are beautiful.

(we're on a kick of wanting to be native american thanks to her native american lit class.)

from the foot of the four saved mountains our contentment

flows; from their bodies, our strength, and from their peaks,

our prayers. in this journey of life we experience many emotions,

some good, some bad. pain and illness occur when we

choose to detach ourselves from this connection.

shonto begay, the view from the mesa.

sarah staggley had a birthday.

welcome to the crowd of old people.

(that's us.)

on saturday in the morning i played for awhile with my ma accompanying. and then in the afternoon georgie and i spent several hours playing duets. it was the best thing that's ever happened to me. (rosa on the right.)

just for funsies.

new obsession with this. it's even more beautiful in real life resonance.

fun fact about me #22497. i do this thing where i paint just my thumb.
though the other day i painted my other finger too.
i know, i know.
there are some questions we just don't bother with.
^such as the purpose or origin of this habit.

and. sometimes i buy a dozen yellow roses from the clearance flowers at smith's.

because.

why not, you know?

what a difference a year makes: pa pa pa, 2011.

2011 was a year of enormous changes for me--but the very best kinds of changes.

let's take a little look, shall we?

january: i spent a lot of time pretending january wasn't as grim and grey and cold as it really always is. and successfully made it through with a lot of looking ahead towards the future and looking at the bright things in life. we celebrated sherry's birthday and i played rosa for the first time in a long time. i went running for the first time in ages, and actually kind of enjoyed it. (that phase didn't last very long. ha.)  oh, and the process of realizing how much i love my major had only just begun. i finished the month off with a definition of my future hubby. cheesy: check.

february: i realized how close romania was coming. and realized the adjustments that were necessary for that to happen, including a distancing from everything and everyone i know here in america. claira and i went to the temple every week throughout the semester and claira got engaged. my life was kind of solitary, and in a state of limbo and personal realizations. which also means that sometimes it was kind of lonely. i think i wrote in my journal the most consistently in this month than any other in my life (romania excluded). stevie and i started our weekly brunches.

march: the countdowns to romania became more intense. laurs and i saw jrad in concert. anatomy took over my life. william burnett came home. steve and i made green eggs and ham - a more memorable brunch of ours. aha. i became very ready to escape the country. stevie won best brother ever award for celebrating good grades with me with oreo shakes. and after a lot of solitude and mostly just spending time with myself or my roommates, i became enormously, more than before, comfortable with myself. i found a lot of scripture chains because i stopped paying much attention in sunday school or relief society on certain weeks. (i had issues with the teachers. sorry. true.)

april: laurs got engaged! and i relived our entire friendship/sisterhood up to that point. i survived anatomy (miracle). the bonding of my romania group began. doug&sherry graduated. i went wedding dress shopping with laur and her family and watched her find the dress of her dreams. and in the process i learned a lesson about how much i love her family and how much they are a part of me. general conference = win. i decided what i want my future home to be like. i started to get scared about going to romania. the 2-week french chaos began.

may: i met the kenzer. i finished an entire french class in 2 weeks, and was practically fluent by the end of it, then i went to romania, so much for the french. said my goodbyes to america. i met romania, and fell in love. i met my babies, and fell even more in love. i decided i could stay in europe forever, though other times questioned my sanity. oh, and i turned 20 on the other side of the world.

june: i legitimately fell in love with each one of my kids. i adored going to the hospital. saw voltaj at the cultural palace. had many adventures exploring iasi. and the mid-semester retreat at the end of the month came right when i needed a break from section 2, the politics, and everything. i went on a romanian train for the first time, and visited brasov and bucuresti. did you know romania is amazingly beautiful? oh, and saw the symphony in buc. as well as went to the romanian version of l'arc de triomphe.

july: realized our days in romania were numbered - but remained in denial anyway. went to venice for a branch picnic, romanian style--which means we went to a lake they gave the name venice (venitia). celebrated the 4th of july in romania, the romanians loved it. learned to make romanian food. (sarmale, mamaliga, etc.) andrada taught us how to make tort cu visine.  oh, and suc de portocale rosii? divine. mostly, just a continuation of the romanian dream and denial that i ever would have to leave my babes behind. heart broke when i found out one of them was near death.

august: visited romanian monasteries while having the worst headache/weird sickness of my life. said goodbye to the branch, during which the onslaught of aforementioned headache came at the worst possible moments. said a final goodbye to teo and mario. said goodbye to iasi. said goodbye to my home away from home and was extremely conflicted about where to call home. life in america felt surreal and so foreign compared to romania. romania came so naturally. said hello to family and friends. watched best friend have her happily ever after wedding: happiest day ever+complete perfection+pure love. visited the mountains during sunflower season. eventually came to like america again, though it is still debatable. missed my babes and the romanian routine like it was my day job.

september: started a new semester. started working for catering, quit wait staff and moved just to special events because i hated it. struggled with french - hoped it would ease up by the end of the semester, but it never really ended. felt in transition/limbo. like i didn't really fit in any particular place. didn't know french, didn't know english, didn't know romanian anymore. met new roommate lauren: love her. tried to re-instate our sibling dates. failed. worked football games. found out my boy didn't die, but was alive and well. miss romania, as usual.  reunited with my freshman roomies/neighbors.

october: started to feel more normal again. and finally found tranquility, peace, and happiness. watched grandma speak at the payson temple groundbreaking. revisiting east canyon with laurs during general conference weekend. worked more football games. laursy came to visit p-town, tried and fell in love with her first jdawg. got discouraged about french, thinking maybe it really was going to be hard for the rest of always. fell deep in my major and actually made friends within. carved a pumpkin for almost the first time.

november: lauren rose and i bonded some more--best roommate ever. we understand each other. realized i had kind of moved on from romania, though it still and will always hold a large part of my heart. but, i moved on. we all did. we had to. looked back at romania with fondness and understanding, rather than just heartache. fell in love with my family, as usual. these are my people. finished with catering forever, surprisingly bittersweet. had a whole bunch of 'best days ever.' said goodbye to hermana mckay. rekindled my love for ygm (aced every online quiz steve threw at me). took a spontaneous trip to salt lake just to see my soul sister. got a big-girl job.

december: started new job. survived and aced finals. hated construction outside my door. reunited with freshman friends again. twinkle lights in the bedroom. learned to knit. realized i wore a dress or skirt almost every day of the semester. (literally.) worked a lot. got an email filled with romania that made me cry. started to finally cope/be allies with french again. (we're not friends yet. just allies.) papa became a high priest. christmas spirit. la la gave me a christmas gift i'll never forget: a perfect (double) description of where my heart resides. tianne's wedding. steve got engaged! thus filling the nevers sister-in-law circle.

i must admit, 2011 was quite good to me.

here's to 2012!

it probably won't compare. but hey, you never know what the future has up its sleeve.

:)

happy thanksgiving (back)

hair on top of head (big blue blob+bun) & naps (dress time, of course).
+

plus some blackened fingers on my left hand & dent in right thumb. (violin&bow)
=
welcome to the holiday!

(i look funny when i'm asleep. i think i had just adjusted positions in my sleep when this was taken,

hence the awkward pose. because when i fell asleep i'm sure the pillow was under my head.

so much for that. therefore, i look funny when i sleep.)

st.g is a lovely little place to celebrate the things you're grateful for.

(jour de l'action de grâce.)

and i sure am ringing in the holiday this morning with a little you've got mail.

("happy thanksgiving, rose. now this is the part where you say, 'happy thanksgiving' back."

"happy thanksgiving back.")

[don't judge me, steve. don't even try. it won't work.]

so, happy thanksgiving back, my friends.

chances are, if you're reading this, i'm grateful for you. among so many other things.

(cool how that works. i never lie.)

and if you take a moment to watch this, 

your day will be that much more beautiful.

so i hope you have a beautiful thanksgiving with you and yours.

i really do.

i always knew i loved a.a.milne.

i don't have much to say anymore.

but today i'm grateful for texts from a best friend saying,

"i wish you lived in salt lake already."

this means i miss you like crazy in shrub words.

that's what i think.

amen and amen.

and so, today i'm just grateful for that.

in some more words of a.a. milne:

“We'll be Friends Forever, won't we, Pooh?' asked Piglet.
'Even longer,' Pooh answered.”

[there is true wisdom to be found in winnie the pooh.]

and i'd be lying if i didn't mention i'm also grateful for a roommate

who understands the sometimes necessity of playing a song over and over again.

and then a few more times after that.

some of our current favorites are:

can't help falling in love.

the story.

far away.

all we are.

the bartok!

beethoven. always beethoven.

the firebird.

wedding dress.

the sibelius fifth.

(ahhhh! sultry horns make me swoon.)

a whole lot of bruch, on my end.

among others.

can you tell i have a violin performance major roommate?

we understand each other.

(sheletmeplayherviolinforafewminutesyesterdayandialmostdiedimissitsomuch. guess what i'm retrieving during thanksgiving and keeping forever more as my stress relief? ROSA. p.s. i've come so far since this day. and maybe i'm still bitter about this. a little (lot) bit. and maybe, did you know, high school is way overrated? it is. i'm so glad i never have to go back. thank heavens.)

everything always works out exactly as it needs to be.

that's something i'm absolutely sure of.

sometimes i just wish i could see how that was.

but for today, i bought myself a (ridiculously overpriced) chocolate cookie dough shake.

that makes everything better.

and i'm maybe a little too excited for a friday evening with myself tonight.

bearers of yummy free food and/or good company are always welcome.

the shire. number 3. pink door.

i'll be here. in my sweats. with a bun on top of my head.

thanks for the inspiration, ashley.

wordless, sauf en français.

 the theme as the orchestra takes over at 3:03 and 7:25?
the whole thing?
there are no words.
i keep trying to come up with a description in words. but words are failing me.cette musique? c'est trop belle, et les mots ne sont pas assez beaux pour la décrire.
i miss orchestra / rosa (my violin).

the following is also stunning.


as is this:
don't you just feel like you could die, it's so beautiful?
what is a life sans la musique?rien.la musique améliore la vie, plus que l'on peut exprimer.peut-t-on vivre sans la musique?j'oserais dire que non, on ne peut pas.je ne peux pas.
obviously i've gotten a little carried away. with french. and music.i can't help it. it's worth every second.i've missed this.

my own metronome.

last night, after my grandma and grandpa had left our birthday celebration, i had a realization.
doug and steven were talking about computers. or math. or classes. or who knows what.
sherry and my mom were chatting about i don't know what. something. health, i think.

and i was playing the piano. followed by violin [a notable detail].

i'm fully aware i am no public speaker like doug. i learn it even more every time i have to give a talk. i would rather give a musical number any day. or write something. the performance of something i've written/speaking? not so good. whatevs. it's fine. eloquence is not my gift.

so while other people talk through speech, i talk through music instead. sometimes words.
i realize the irony that i have issues communicating through speech and the fact that my major is communication disorders. don't even worry about it. i'm working on it.

meet rosa:

(yes i have a name for my violin. and yes that's perfectly normal.

if you don't think it is, well,then you haven't been near any musicians recently.

especially strings.)

bow of pernambuco wood. frog of tortoise shell.

 i'm in love with the color of the wood.

and the small collection of barely-there chinks in the wood on the right side.

i don't know if i could ever bring myself to have it revarnished. i love those details too much.

it's been almost a year since my last rendez-vous with rosa.
and i've been dying for awhile now to play her.
and play her i did. for quite awhile.
and it felt just right.

that cool brush on my neck.

the back pain from being in one position for so long.

the pressure of the plastic border of the shoulder rest on my shoulder, leaving a red mark for awhile after.

my 'broken' joints in my wrist that i could use as a metronome as i twist my wrist.

(i know. it's disgusting.)

and, last but not least:

welcome back, violin hickey/rough spot i've now re-aggravated on my neck.

i've missed you.

twenty and ten.

2 0 1 0.

january:

i had no major. and had no ideas.

i was instantly terrified by my

french grammar class of rm's.

i met the new semester with

two new roommates. courtney

and i were of course apprehensive.

turns out it was without cause.

mamma cass and claira poo=lovely.

and they were both simply

themselves from the get go.

i love that.

i suddenly found politics fascinating.

state of the union.

i realized how far courtney

and i had come. and how much

i love her for who she is.

i fell in love. kinda. but really.

{see here.}

he'll never know.

tragedy struck in haiti. but

an incredible compilation

of music resulted. one that

brought me to tears in

listening to it in its entirety.

hope for haiti now.

february:

i obsessed over hey,

soul sister. by train.

i made some realizations about

who i am and my role in

various positions. a very

humbling realization.

i realized how important

true friends are. never stop

to think what's in it for me.

olympics. need i say more?

i increased my obsession

with mormon messages.

like, went crazy. they're so

addicting and wonderful.

i played rosa (violin) again for the

first time since june 2009.

march:

i started discovering more

and more about france. and

completely loving every bit.

and wishing i was there. dang

french class of people that have

been there recently.

springtime showed up.

sort of. tempting.

and then it snowed.

music spoke to my soul.

almost more than any other

time in my life. souviens-toi.

new world symphony.

among others.

michelle jean came to visit.

we made lots of cupcakes.

i decided on a major as well as

a minor that i love. and is

completely perfect for me.

april:

i made easter eggs with

cassi & courtney. and

we all went as crazy as

ever over we are the world.

i took an interior design tour

of pretty places. and of my own

will took a photo of the provo

tabernacle. little did i know how

much that photo would mean

to me 8 months later.

cassi and i bonded some more

over how ridiculous physical

science is/was. and then we

studied like crazy for the

final. darn tricky.

fruitcake friday.

sara and whit.

need i say more?

no.

i moved out of my apartment.

and said farewell to many for

four months.

we took pretty roommate pictures

as well as tri-apartment pictures.

(174, 172, 171)

i finished finals and science

credits for the rest of forever.

i didn't ace french grammar.

but i sure as heck learned

quite a lot. and loved the class

with all my heart--people

in it and professor.

i realized that some things

will never change.

may:

i spent the entire month

searching for a job. and

doing a whole lot of nothing

in between.

and then i experienced

ultimate rejection. 3

interviews followed by,

unfortunately, rejection.

i completely changed all

my plans and decided i'm

going to romania next summer

to work in an orphanage and

hospital. and therefore decided

to take classes summer term.

i turned 19. and received

sunflowers as well as a 

package from hurdland.

june:

i went to st.george with my

mommy. and pieced together

and made an entire quilt. as

well as spending some divine

time biking through the empty

streets on warm evenings.

doug & sherry got engaged.

la and i took a visit to the

capitol and she came to visit.

among many other moments

throughout the year. which

don't all get specific mention

because there were too many.

smith's was selling the poofy

sunflowers. so i of course

bought some. i love fresh

flowers. there's nothing

that compares.

i realized that it had been

an entire year since

graduating from high school.

and then realized how much

in my life has changed since

then. which is slightly weird.

my daddy entered the hospital.

and was there for 10 days.

i started summer term. and

then was amazed at how

much of a difference it makes

between classes of interest and

no interest. summer classes?

major interest. i loved them.

july:

i went to stadium of fire with

the hales side and laur.

wedding plans--full speed ahead.

claira and i supercharged the

amount of time we spent

together. like really. we weren't

living together technically. but

you would think we were.

major bonding. and we learned

close to everything about each other.

claira and i went up to aspen grove

and had bread and cheese.

followed by a trip to salty lakey

to see the joseph smith movie.

i wore a dress almost every

single day of the month.

on a trip to claira's grandma's to

pick up a sewing machine, we

discussed how adorable that

house is and how much we want

a house just like it.

there were lots of good days.

and i spent the entire month

(almost) completely barefoot.

more than any other month.

because it was a complete month

of school. rather than a partial

month like june or august.

my life was consumed by school,

wedding plans, and daddy's recovery

and the wedding arrangements.

august:

princess claira turned {18}.

and hid it from all the world.

and then she got her wisdom

teeth out. and was the loopiest

thing on this planet for a few

hours. and then it wore off

completely and totally.

i learned some more about

claira. and her family. and

her past. and i learned a lot

of grown up lessons that day.

ok, so i wore a dress almost

every single day of august

as well.

WEDDING. i love weddings

that are supposed to happen.

happy weddings. so happy.

i love love.

st.george with soul sister.

heavenly. as well as doing

a whole lot of nothing.

i loved it. let's go back.

i talked to steven on the

phone almost every night in

st. george. no wonder.

some people think we're dating.

little do they know, we are siblings.

oopsay on them.

the term of miracles. summer

term, i mean. it was miracles

that i got straight a's. a miracle.

i came awfully close to heaven

throughout the summer. and year.

i got the biggest and worst

sunburn of almost my life.

and was absolutely miserable.

it was gross. darn st.george sun.

i went to and from california

plus a wedding reception in

three days. I-80 is a loong

and boring road.

the first day of fall semester

was hilarious. and i realized i was

in deep waters with two

different french classes.

september:

i freaked out a lot about french.

pretty sure that could almost sum

up the entire month. or semester.

whatevs. it's all the same.

the freak outs led me to

question why i'm even taking

french still. and feel like a

complete moron a lot.

harold and i became

really really good friends

throughout september.

beerrocks for the first time

in months. yeah, baby!

i fell in love with asl. which was

the first class taken as part of my

major. and everything started to

feel completely right. with my

major, at least.

the weekly temple wednesdays

began. and continued throughout

the semester.

i missed laursy a lot. and i

missed family a lot more than

any time throughout my freshman

year. why? i don't know.

life seemed kind of bleak a lot.

the night is always darkest just

before the dawn, they say.

it is.

the surprise visits from la

began. and i loved it.

i got really close to heaven

some more. identity crises

and hard times in general

tend to do that.

october:

la and i went to conference

together. and then she showed

me one of her favorite places.

which is now one of my favorite

places in the world. it was what

you could call a very good day.

steve and la had fall break.

something byu doesn't

believe in.

thanks to my free friday schedule

this semester, i spent a three day

weekend up in park city with

laur the week of her fall break.

and we found a heaven on earth

place. a secret place. that we love.

lamb love.

commence the josh groban

and joshua radin phase.

surprise visits with la, of course.

i took courtney on a tour of my

own version of salt lake.

and we almost died in the rain

and fog up parley's. it was

completely worth it.

michelle jean visit plus going

to international cinema. haaa.

halloween. poodle skirt. iceberg.

and harry potter.

november:

i fell in love with my french

classes. eventually both of

them. completely and totally.

everything about them. almost.

the world was beautiful.

and life was good. though

very busy.

i got my first f on something.

and it completely flattened me.

following which i lost a lot of

motivation as thanksgiving

approached. bad news.

after spending too much of the

semester almost musicless,

i found a few new obsessions.

a lot, actually. and went crazy.

more like obsessed over a few songs

and played them over and over.

you've got mail. yeah.

i pretended to go the u for a

couple of days. don't worry.

i didn't fit in very well.

but had fun with soul

sister anyway.

harry potter 7 came out. so

i stayed up till 5 in the am that

day. it was worth it. i love

harry potter. who doesn't?

soirée familiale [fhe] at mme.

petelo's. and of course i fell

completely in love with her

adorable mini french kids.

and that sealed the deal with

her. even though i wasn't a fan

of 322, and was grateful to pass,

i loved her with all my heart.

she's charming.

don't worry. i love m.unlandt

as well. he's full of so much

knowledge it's insane. and

speaks a ridiculous amount

of languages. i'm jealous.

in case you didn't notice, this

semester was consumed by

french. completely. plus

a little asl love in between.

but then again the asl love

lessened as the semester went on.

if nothing else, i loved the weekly

time i spent with sherry. it was just

right as time to get to know her a

whole lot better now that she's a

sister-in-law. she's lovely.

december:

it was cold. very very cold.

i made some sad realizations about the

status quo of things. of relationships.

and it made me really sad. but

all is well again. and that's

what matters.

my roommates and i had

sleepovers in mine and kaitlin's

room. which meant moving

mattresses. which barely fit in

our room.  hilarious.

uhhh finals. studying. exhausted.

is there more to be said?

yeah, that's what i thought.

motab christmas concert! as

well as everything about the

christmas season. i'm seriously

obsessed. the lights. the music.

the spirit of it all. it's so

incredible. and i miss it already.

i went to white christmas

at pmt (pioneer memorial

theatre). and thomas s. monson

and family as well as dieter f.

uchtdorf and family were

a few rows behind us.

also, i love christmas, so i

loved everything about the

show. though i love the movie

more, i still loved being there

with family and laur.

christmas eve at grandma's!

i love christmas.

victor, my kindle. i love it.

i went to color me mine with

the goils. i love that place.

laur peaced out to california

for the remainder of the break.

but before that we had some

nice moments watching chick

flicks and feeling pathetic

about our lives.

i watched a ridiculous amount

of movies. believe me when i

say ridiculous. that's what the

break is for, isn't it?

deborah ann and i realized that

we are soul mates. and we had

a sleepover over the break. so

great. we love good music.

relaxation divine and a very sore

back later from sleeping on couches,

i'm 60% done with jane eyre.

and christmas break is 99% done.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

this was a year of many ups and downs. but what year isn't? it went by fast. faster than any other year. especially the last half of it. and the last quarter. suddenly it's over, and part of me is still back a few months ago. not here. i want another christmas. i met some people. i lost some people. i got closer to some other people. and i loved every minute. because i think that's what life is, isn't it? a little bit of losing for a whole lot of winning. winning relationships with friends and family that take work. ohh, do they take work. but maybe that's the point. i don't think we'd appreciate anything at all if it didn't take a little bit of work to get there. or a whole lot of work. it's those trial moments that define us. it's in those moments that we become who we are. and we have a choice of where we let it take us. and as mr.magorium says, your life is an occasion, so rise to it. and maybe that's what a new year is all about. rising. ever upward and onward to what your life is or can become. rise to your life.

mon violon

i think this is one of the most beautiful songs i've ever heard. it's like a mourning song, but at the same time a song of hope, comfort, and peace. i can't get over it. it's perfectly descriptive in itself.
i miss my violin a lot lately. it was such a big part of my life, even though i by no means was the best or brightest at any aspect of it. and then after senior year and all that, i just couldn't do it anymore. i don't know what happened, but i just couldn't. my stop was sudden. and my break was long before i even considered playing again. and even then i still haven't much since the end of senior year. and yet, i still consider it something that is a part of me. something in my life that i was good at. i was really good. and when i hear people play in church or something like it, i remember all the times i did the same. and on some days, i do miss it. and i miss orchestra. being a part of an ensemble-playing incredibly beautiful works. there's nothing like it. and i miss it, especially listening to this sweet melody--i long for it.

toalcnp

i'm starting to realize that it will never end. ever. it will always be plaguing me. just sayin'. i'll get over it. maybe.

stop. please.

I played in church today. For the last time for awhile seeing as I'm moving to Provo in a month and a half. The conversations I had with most people for the rest of the time at church went somewhat as follows, give or take a wee bit:

"Emily, I really enjoyed that so much! It was absolutely beautiful!"

"Oh thank you so much!"

One lady said: "I love watching you play. I can see that you've gotten better every time you play. It's like watching you grow up! You are just always getting better every time I see you!"

Glad I've made the decision to not pursue violin for now. I think if everyone in my ward knew that they'd be crushed. Especially the old stake president. At a wedding reception a few weeks ago he said, "Don't ever give up your violin. You play beautifully! Don't ever give it up." Hmm. That's saying a lot from someone who's only heard me play to large audiences for the most part, which everyone knows is usually not always the best performance. So apparently even in not my best performance I'm pretty good, which I guess I knew, but not in a vain sort of way.

Oh dear.

They'll have to be crushed for now.

Because I'm most definitely not ready to go back to studying violin, which leads me to the rest of the conversation that came with most people I talked to today.

"So what are your plans for fall?"

"Oh, I'm going to go down to BYU."

"Oh that's fun!"

"Yep. I'm pretty excited! It will be fun."

"What are you going to study?"

I DON'T KNOW!!!

That's what I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs after awhile.

[Don't worry. I didn't.]

I wish I had an answer for them. Honestly I do. But i don't. Nope.

I keep thinking 'someday.'

Someday soon my inspiration will come, and I'll know what I want to do with my life.

I wish things could go back to the carefree and easy days of innocence, such as:

-BUT-

I'm still waiting.

And almost everyone I know has a major all picked out and their life plan all set.

My dad says to go talk to them in a few years and see how that plan sorted out.

Maybe so. But I still wish I had something to start with.

But because I don't.

And because I'm not a fan of this guilty feeling that I'm a failure in life...

...still stuck in my identity crisis.

[which is entirely true. I am still stuck in that little crisis. Minor detail.]

Would you please stop asking? Thanks.