18

5.29.2009

i am now an official adult. officially.
18 years old.

i don't really like it.
for the first time in my life i actually felt different the day after my birthday.
it's a weird feeling.

how did i celebrate this initiation into adulthood? •intense and lovely and amazing and indescribable and life-changing chat with olivia rose for 2.5 hours the night before. starting at 9:30 pm sitting in her driveway in the car after the new/old mads party. i got home at 12:02 - ish :) only to find that la had already told me happy birthday on f.b. (the first official one, of course!) at 12:04 and at 12:07 i got a text from liv wishing me happy birthday. how am i so lucky?
•waking up extra late after that late night out on a school night, with the smell of campfire still in my hair from the night before [new/old mads party].
•trying to cover up that lovely scent with hairspray, which i found an excuse to use by curling the ends of my hair in a ponytail.
•arriving at school actually late without any good reason for the first time in my life. it was liberating. :)
•fun with dick and jane during american. funniest movie ever. jim carrey rocks my socks!
•cheesy senior assembly. i remembered why i can't wait to graduate and why i'm not friends with some people.
•pool party at ally's house while trying to finish their eyes were watching god in time for english. while taking pictures. and trying to focus. and avoid my book being splashed upon.
•free jamba from lauren k. because she owed me $3.50 and just happened to repay me on my birthday with a mango smoothie. jamba alone makes me smile :)
•being serenaded by the entire courtyard, mostly by people that i don't really know that well and a few that i do. i wasn't too happy with michelle and becca boo...but i forgive them, of course. how could i not?? :)
•not finishing their eyes were watching god in time, but coming close..emily anne had to tell me the ending though. :( i hate when that happens. i always want to do it myself. (like when someone says the page number for a scripture to look up. it bugs me. i want to find it myself without the easy way out!)

oh well.
•my entire english class singing happy birthday to me..haha. thus beginning the trillion times benjamin ross would tell me happy birthday. ["it took 2 people to write that song??"]
•socratic seminar on the amazing book their eyes were watching god. i really liked it. i was in a really mellow and relaxed and contemplative mood, and a lot of the topics that came up related a ton to what olivia and i had talked about the night before. things that are near and dear to my heart. the cross between heaven and earth. ♥
•going home early thanks to home release. just happened to land on may 29 instead of the 28th. hallelujah. best decision i've ever made, even if i do have to take stats someday in college.
•being surprised with a poster and balloons from april kay and her brother andrew for my birthday. or rather surprising her because she was expecting me to be at school still. the poulter family is one of the sweetest i know.
•being tired all day thanks to that little chat the night before...and spending the afternoon listening to music and lulling to sleep, but not really falling asleep except for maybe a few minutes before picking up becca boo.
•wendy's with becca boo and papa bear. bahaha.
•the traditional phone call from grandpa nevs. gotta love it. "i love you a bushel and a peck"
•going up the canyon with emily, lauren, becca, and some kid named daniel in em's ward. hot dogs, s'mores, chatting, and bride wars. sounds simple. but it was grand in my opinion and i preferred being there with most of my closest friends than at the dinner/dance, even though i did hear it was fun. my birthday. my choice. i'm happy. :)
i am lucky beyond words to have such amazing friends.

to have found such amazing friends.

the people i can be myself around and not worry.

the people i'm most comfortable with.

the people that make me feel home.



•ending up being frazzled and rushed to get to a meeting place to follow up to jenny's cabin for the madrigals retreat. i hated it and was miserable. but wouldn't have had it any other way. it was because of that, that on the way to her cabin (somewhere near oakley-while following maniac driver isaac and all of the others acting insane) olivia and i, while riding up alone in my car, talked the whole way. about frustrations. loves. life. everything. we just connect so well. it astonishes me. i find myself telling her things that i've told almost no one. and she understands. so many situations we have both been in are so similar. this past few years i have learned more than every before the true meaning of the way God leads people into a life at a divine moment. it doesn't make sense at first, but then looking back, there's no other explanation.
people are there for a reason. at just the right season.
•the madrigals retreat. remembering why i'm sad about graduating. and realizing for the first time really how much i'm going to miss madrigals. i feel like this was the first time almost that everyone came together. there were no cliques. nate was playing games with jacinda. everyone talking and playing with everyone. unity is one of my all time favorite concepts, and it's a rare thing to see it in action. to feel that you are a sincerely important part of something is an amazing and rare feeling. i wish everyone in the world could have that experience. i can't even describe how sad it makes me when i see people sad, excluded, or lonely. tools of the devil, no doubt.
(granted it did help that some people were not there...)
•staying up until 3am. really sincerely bonding with the mads. getting into serious things, but still laughing too. indescribable.







i think part of the reason this year has been so different is because i'm

turning 18,

graduating from seminary,

graduating from high school,

saying goodbye to a lot of people,

and dealing with my broken family

all coming to a climactic ending at the same time.

what else am i supposed to do?

growing up is no longer an option.

it's a requirement.
18.
the age of responsibility.
a legal adult.
am i as ready as i thought i was?
i suppose there's only one way to find out. :)

people

"God doesn't give you the people you want.

Instead, he gives you the people you need.
To teach you, to hurt you, to love you,
and to make you exactly the way you're meant to be."

3.19.2006

beautifully imperfect

true perfection is perfectly imperfect.

there is no fear in love

i'm afraid to ever admit it.

but i'm still bitter.
and part of me can't bring myself to forget it all and forgive you for it.
except i do. even though i don't understand how.

"sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together"
~Marilyn Monroe

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love."
~1 John 4:18

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
~2 Timothy 1:7

i love you. more than you'll ever know.
i still look up to you and try not to be jealous.
even when sometimes i question myself and wonder how i could ever do so.

[God gives the spirit of love and
the power to love, despite the past.]

a lesson

a lesson for everyone:

to dream a dream..

glee :)))

i have a new obsession.
so so so amazing!!
:)

musical fusion ♪

pure genius.


love story meets viva la vida
•jon schmidt•

she is the sunlight

i can't even express how much i love this song.. ♥

p&p

looooove it! <33

sunshine ☼

"Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy

Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always makes me high

If I had a day that I could give you
I'd give to you a day just like today
If I had a song that I could sing for you
I'd sing a song to make you feel this way

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always makes me high

If I had a tale that I could tell you
I'd tell a tale sure to make you smile
If I had a wish that I could wish for you
I'd make a wish for sunshine all the while

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always makes me high
Sunshine almost all the time makes me high
Sunshine almost always"
-John Denver


:) :) :) :) :) :) :)

olivia rose

i have this beyond amazing friend named olivia rose vessel.
she is really one of the most talented people i have ever met. she is soo gifted and really an amazing person all around.

i never really knew her very well until this past year and i just don't know why. i just can't get over how genuine and loving and talented she is. i've seen her act multiple times, but it never ceases to astonish me how truly gifted she is, especially considering the minor detail that she is currently only 17 years old but could easily be succeeding as an actress anywhere in the world.
and i'm lucky enough to know her.
it's so refreshing to talk to someone who agrees with me on so many things, yet at the same time we may have differences of opinion on other things, but get along just the same.
.kindred spirits.
giving her rides to and from school has been one of the most amazing experiences and talking to her always brightens my day, no matter how i was feeling when i first got into the car.
she just plain understands and is so sincere and genuine in everything she does.
how will i handle next year without everyday car rides?
this is what phones and facebook and weekend visits were created for, i suppose.. :)


her future is so very bright and i can't wait to see how far she goes.

"you're gonna miss this
you're gonna want this back
you're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
these are some good times
so take a good look around
you may not know it now
but you're gonna miss this..."
-trace adkins

<3

you know they like it when you smile (find a reason to smile)

today? today is a good day.

no.
a beautiful day.

to start with, by an odd series of events [namely a rehearsal for stake conference] i ended up getting to talk to my amazing neighbor and friend april for quite some time this morning :)

walking all around our neighborhood, it was so nice to talk to her just about life.
about graduating and how really, there are only a few people that i really want to stay in contact with after good ole graduation.
about how different college is from high school in so many ways.
about jobs....
about summer.
about everything.
i miss her and love her dearly!



i thrive on sunshine..and today? it was sunny AND warm. you just couldn't ask for a more beautiful day. so of course i took full advantage of the sunshine and took a nap in a sunbeam :) :)
by any standards, that can make an entire day. hands down.
there's nothing better :)



the whole day in general was just plain relaxing with not a worry in the world, though i should have quite a few. but instead of worrying, i felt peaceful and content.
then randomly around 9 pm i got a call from my old friend brittany, who i know through steven.


so, randomly at 9 o'clock on a saturday night she and i went to yummy shivers for shakes and fries and talked and ran into bunches of people before returning to my house to watch the bucket list. such a good show.

today. today was a good day.
sunbeams of hope shine down and warm my soul. ♥

:)

you're my person

"Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved. Friends move away, children grow up, loved ones pass on. It’s so easy to take others for granted, until that day when they’re gone from our lives and we are left with feelings of 'what if' and 'if only.' Said author Harriet Beecher Stowe, 'The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.'"
-President Thomas S. Monson, October 2008


because of yesterday, today has really been a day like that. going back to the basic and most essential things of life. my la la and i (lauren - the most amazing best friend i've ever had in my entire life) spent the entire afternoon together from 3:30ish until 9:30.
i just plain love her :)

"they look at you differently than the buffalo."

we spent the afternoon at the park and her house, people watching and just plain laughing away and forgetting any bad or problems that may exist in the world. when i'm with her, especially today, this quote has completely become my reality:

"When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead,
you can look beside you and your best friend will be there."

with everyone else around me scattering, it is in this past year and a half that i have needed a friend like her the most - and she's been there. i honestly believe that she was led into my life at the time she was to help me through this, and i know i could NEVER do it without her. as we were sitting on the swings today and i told in her everything, she was literally right beside me.

looking ahead, it is scary and i don't know what to think and have no idea what will come. the past is filled with lots of beautiful memories, but more recently they are all filled with pain. laur gives me the wonderful memories in-between it all that are completely and totally in every way free from any pain or uncertainty. as far as people go in my life, that's saying a lot. i've always had issues with friends growing up. anything ranging between not having any, or having unloyal friends that eventually abandon me, to anything you can imagine, that's my friend situation. i have never had a close group of friends that i belonged to, though i am good friends on a more general level with a wide variety of people. but when it all comes down to it, the only one who really stuck around, especially recently, was lauren. i've only known lauren for around a year and a half, and yet it feels like i've known her forever.

all signs lead to divine intervention in the blossoming of our friendship:
i'm slow to open up to people and hate the 'small talk' beginning stages of a friendship. usually they stay in that stage for quite some time before moving on, if ever. with lauren? it was less than a few months of just seeing each other at school for the most part and we became inseperable forever.
i never expected to acquire a best friend in my last two years of high school, and if i did usually they're gone after the year in which i really get to know them. lauren? the bond is only growing stronger.
i started becoming friends with laur at the beginning of the junior yearish (September) and from then to December/January is when our friendship went from that cordial friend to good friend status and then on to best friend. when did the messes and complications of life begin? january. who did i tell first and who has stuck with me through it all, even though it mostly consists of hard times?
•lauren celeste wertz.•

you couldn't ask for better.
thanks for staying by my side. :)
i love you more than you could ever understand.
i am eternally in your debt. ♥

let it be ♫

in the past day or so, the lyrics and music to "Let it Be" by the Beatles have been running through my head. i honestly believe that it's through music and lyrics that the Spirit speaks to me - almost always.
my connection to music is divine and eternal.

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken-hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted
there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be. 

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be,
yeah, there will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be,
whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the night is cloudy,
there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be. 
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be,
yeah, there will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be,
whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

-The Beatles ♥

mes frères

"I sought my soul, but my soul I could not see. I sought my God, but my God eluded me. I sought my brother and I found all three." ~Author Unknown

"I don't believe an accident of birth makes people sisters or brothers. It makes them siblings, gives them mutuality of parentage. Sisterhood and brotherhood is a condition people have to work at." ~Maya Angelou

"There's no other love like the love for a brother. There's no other love like the love from a brother." ~Astrid Alauda

"A brother is a friend given by Nature." ~Jean Baptiste Legouve

"A sibling may be the keeper of one's identity, the only person with the keys to one's unfettered, more fundamental self." ~Marian Sandmaier

"Children of the same family, the same blood, with the same first associations and habits, have some means of enjoyment in their power, which no subsequent connections can supply..." ~Jane Austen, Mansfield Park

"As we grew up, my brothers acted like they didn't care,
but I always knew they looked out for me and were there!"
~Catherine Pulsifer

"To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other's hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time." ~Clara Ortega

never were words so true.

d.e.

d.e.s.

s.e.