2 facts of life

"We write to taste life twice, once in the moment and in retrospection."

-Anais Nin

"The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid."

-Jane Austen

french.

i took the placement test online today for french at byu.

i was registered for french 201, which is intermediate french and when i talked to ms. young before school ended that's what she recommended (the 200 level class).

well i took the test. and what class did it place me in?

300+

which also, it is of note to mention: that 321 is the class for rm's returning from a french-speaking mission. advanced grammar. after that comes advanced composition.

if i proceed.

sounds too hard for me. but do i know more than i think? or do i have a big head? i do know i spent a lot of time last year bored, feeling like i wasn't really learning anything new.
but still.

fresh out of high school. in a class with RM's who have been speaking the language for 2 full years [or 18 months] on the streets casually and with all their heart.

why does that scare me so much?

having french look so serious, it got me thinking about why i'm even taking it. obviously people have asked me that before and i usually just roll out a thoughtless response. but really. why? i don't really know what keeps urging me forward to learn more. i mean really. i wasn't even planning on taking ap french last year for crying out loud! much less, in college! i never even really considered it, and then by the end of last year it was just an assumed thing in my mind that i would continue. i even asked one of my brother's friends, katherine hashimoto, about it because she took ib or something. and she said,

"My only advice is to keep taking it when you go to college! It only gets better."

and here i am. wanting to keep taking it?

i love the french culture. somewhat similar to europe in general, but france especially just captures my heart. the quaintness. the beauty. the charm. a love i didn't even know i had until all of a sudden i was transferring out of ap chemistry and into ap french on a whim because my schedule needed to change anyway. [yes i did only take 2 years of science in high school..]. so here i was in ap. a few months after going to france myself for a few days amid the time spent in england and spain as well. i fell in love. i don't know where it came from. all of a sudden. i loved the language. i didn't really mind the grammar i had previously loathed because it just seemed a necessary part of properly speaking the language. olivia once said she wants to be fluent someday and loves the language, etc. i never really had thought that far ahead. hadn't even considered the ultimate goal of being fluent. i didn't even plan on being ap so those things ms. young had said in previous years to prep for ap. those little 'ap level boosters.' yeah. i tuned them out and ignored them with isaac. i laughed when he asked if i was taking ap. we both laughed when taylor and emily signed up for ap. and yet i ended up there. what? yeah. exactly.

and now i love it.

i want to go to france and live there for awhile someday. not just be some stupid tourist at the louvre or the eiffel tower. but spend true time to take it all in. whenever i do anything, i absolutely hate being rushed through it. it makes me so frustrated when i'm forced to! there's so much to enjoy in the little details of things, why rush past? like when i go on walks, or hikes. i like to go slow and enjoy the beauty around me! why run through it and miss the beauty?

france. i want to live there. become a part of the scenery. but not enough that the novelty wipes off inside me. but enough that it wipes off the surface and it becomes part of my life. so i don't look like a tourist and stupid american, but still squirm inside at the loveliness of it all.

i want. i need. i need.

you know how i previously said i didn't know where it all came from and what keeps urging me on? well yeah. that was a lie. i do actually. i'm sure it was my heavenly father leading and guiding me towards things i need to know and do. but why?

i haven't the foggiest.

something great is in the future. i just know it. but i just don't know what yet...which is somewhat disconcerting. but for now, as always, i'm ok with just moseying through and enjoying the roses that come with it all. i love it. i don't need a because.

the Lord's hand guides, so:

i go. i do. i enjoy. i smile. i love.

i go towards where He leads.

i do the actions he guides me to do.

i enjoy the moment.

i smile at the little things.

i love the way it all comes together.

the song

though my wedding is most definitely far away in the future i'm sure,

i believe i have quite possibly found my daddy/daughter song.

(thanks completely to dearest sara michelle)

thought it is still in competition with:

return to pooh corner - kenny loggins

i loved her first - heartland

butterfly kisses - bob carlisle

my little girl - tim mcgraw

stealing cinderella - chuck wicks

this one is definitely climbing the charts and joining the ranks...

cinderella - steven curtis chapman

umbrellas

lately, i've kind of had this sort of feddish with umbrellas.

i think they look so cute and trendy.

and i looove rain.

so it's obviously a perfect mix!

therefore, this explains why i have an obsessive love of this picture:

it rained last night. around 1 am. before which i was crabby about the stupid french placement test for byu that froze on my computer. after which i was overjoyed, despite the hot, sticky mugginess in the air.

i love rain. and umbrellas. and the quietness of the world when it rains. especially when no one else is awake and i get to have the rain blowing on my face all to myself. rather selfish of me, i know. but i still get immense pleasure from it.

that is all. :)

hollyhocks.

I've always loved hollyhocks.

They're one of my top 5 favorite flowers for sure.

My mom once taught me when I was little how to make a little doll out of them.

I wish I still remembered how.

Aren't they charming?

They remind me of a stroll through the countryside.

A flower you'd find at the side of a country road in a cute small town.

love it! <3

go dance.

my life put in words by another

music is a necessity... ♫

still waiting...

i'm still waiting for my person like you to find a person like me...

someday.

i want one...

...as a pineapple.

how neat is that?

a notepad shaped like a fruit.

i think it's adorable.

though i do love pineapple,

i think any fruit would suffice to make me smile every time i wrote a note.

doesn't seeing that just make you smile?

:)

quite possibly the cutest thing i've ever heard...

"I knew you loved me when you came back inside the restaurant laughing after running across the street through traffic in freezing rain, to check on what I thought was a hurt bird, and turned out to be cardboard flapping over a ventilation shaft."

dream

"The unreal is more powerful than the real, because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because it’s only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots. People, well, they die. But things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on."

- Chuck Palahniuk

oh my cute.

he's got panache. :)

girl's camp...the last

last week i officially had my last girl's camp ever.

it's a weird feeling, to say the least.

for the first time in my life...

i feel old.

i never thought that day would come.

but after spending a few days with

two 12-year-olds

and

one 13-year-old?

that day has come.

i never really realized how different that tween/early teen age is.

but now i can see it, though in my limited conversations before camp with the girls i didn't really notice..

now i do.

guess what? it's different

they think they know everything.

they talk in ways that you know they're trying to act grown up.

and they steal phrases that you know were taken from someone older

they try talking about things like they know what they're saying.

like life

pregnancy

children

anything.

and it's downright hilarious.

but a little sad how naive they are.

but why not let them keep that bubble of innocence and ignorance for awhile?

once it's broken, they can never go back.

i feel so old and corrupted.

i want to go back.

but they are oh-so ignorant.

but beautifully innocent.

darling sydney

acts like she knows everything and has all the answers.

she spits out random facts about things..as if that's the way the world turns.

but secretly i think she feels sad and lonely.

it crushes me.

she feels that stupid feeling (created by the devil, I'm sure)

saved especially for teenage girls,

especially at that age.

of insecurity.

not really liking herself.

not feeling accepted.

not really sure what to be.

it breaks my heart. <3

please know..

how much you are loved.

how important you are.

how great you are.

how far you'll go.

this is only the beginning.

and this too shall pass.

i love you, syd!

cute cute courtney

has that girly teen girl part covered.

says things like:

"yeah. totally!"

"her baby is sooo-ooo cute!!"

says phrases that you know she stole from someone older.

i even noticed she stole a few thoughts of mine that i had mentioned.

she thrives on the 'grown-up' conversations..

about life.

about being a mom.

about babies.

about marriage.

about homes.

about living.

and i think it's adorable.

mini-conversations on their own level,

that totally copy a similar one had with the leaders.

but at the beginning of camp, things that they wouldn't say in front of the leaders.

just in front of each other.

but guess what?

by the end of camp...

she did!

spoke up.

not just to syd, cause that's who she knew best.

but to sarah.

and even me.

and our leaders.

i beam with pride watching the girls grow and feel comfortable

in their own skin,

providing their own unique personality to the group.

and not afraid to show it!

i love you, court!

sarah sue with the 'tude

she's the 13-year-old

i've bonded with her longer as a fellow yw than the other new girls.

and she cracks me up!

so so funny.

with such an attitude in such a small girl.

positively adorable.

and so fun to talk to.

more welcoming and loving than anyone i know.

and such a trooper as the youngest for awhile.

now she's the oldest.

and she totally rocks the house at helping the other girls.

her rule that she came up with during camp?

no complaining.

which one did she break the most and had her beautiful mother remind her of?

no complaining :)

she is an absolute hoot with her little attitude.

but with all the tude?

she's still the sweetest girl ever.

and would do anything for you.

with a smile on her face.

and a funny comment to go with it.

and i positively can't wait to see what she's like in high school ;)

i love you, sarah bug!

they are all such darling girls.

and i'm so excited for them!

their time is just beginning.

it was weird for me this year,

to kind of not be a part of the yw..

but more just another leader.

carmelle

melissa

sabrena

and

darlene

say that these girls look up to me and adore me.

really?

that's such a weird thought for me.

they are darling.

i should be looking up to every single one of them.

i was like a proud mama

watching these girls bond and seeing them gelling

-even better than before-

by the end of camp.

girl's camp in and of itself is a breed of it's own, and a completely different environment than anywhere else in the world! you can't find that kind of female bonding, love, and laughs all in one place anywhere else on earth.

i absolutely love it...

and will miss it dearly.

post-it

this is the cutest thing i've ever seen.

and it brightened my whole day.

:)

stop. please.

I played in church today. For the last time for awhile seeing as I'm moving to Provo in a month and a half. The conversations I had with most people for the rest of the time at church went somewhat as follows, give or take a wee bit:

"Emily, I really enjoyed that so much! It was absolutely beautiful!"

"Oh thank you so much!"

One lady said: "I love watching you play. I can see that you've gotten better every time you play. It's like watching you grow up! You are just always getting better every time I see you!"

Glad I've made the decision to not pursue violin for now. I think if everyone in my ward knew that they'd be crushed. Especially the old stake president. At a wedding reception a few weeks ago he said, "Don't ever give up your violin. You play beautifully! Don't ever give it up." Hmm. That's saying a lot from someone who's only heard me play to large audiences for the most part, which everyone knows is usually not always the best performance. So apparently even in not my best performance I'm pretty good, which I guess I knew, but not in a vain sort of way.

Oh dear.

They'll have to be crushed for now.

Because I'm most definitely not ready to go back to studying violin, which leads me to the rest of the conversation that came with most people I talked to today.

"So what are your plans for fall?"

"Oh, I'm going to go down to BYU."

"Oh that's fun!"

"Yep. I'm pretty excited! It will be fun."

"What are you going to study?"

I DON'T KNOW!!!

That's what I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs after awhile.

[Don't worry. I didn't.]

I wish I had an answer for them. Honestly I do. But i don't. Nope.

I keep thinking 'someday.'

Someday soon my inspiration will come, and I'll know what I want to do with my life.

I wish things could go back to the carefree and easy days of innocence, such as:

-BUT-

I'm still waiting.

And almost everyone I know has a major all picked out and their life plan all set.

My dad says to go talk to them in a few years and see how that plan sorted out.

Maybe so. But I still wish I had something to start with.

But because I don't.

And because I'm not a fan of this guilty feeling that I'm a failure in life...

...still stuck in my identity crisis.

[which is entirely true. I am still stuck in that little crisis. Minor detail.]

Would you please stop asking? Thanks.

i'm a greaser

if you knew how greasy my hair was right now...

and could really see through this photo..

you would run away completely and totally disgusted.

but that's what summer's all about right?

greasy hair days?

maybe?

oh shoot.

true strength.

I stumbled across this blog and her story.

story:

http://web.me.com/andrewtbagley/NieRecovery/About_Nie.html

blog:

http://nieniedialogues.blogspot.com/

The video in the first link made me cry.

Not just a tear, but full on sobbing.

She [was] absolutely beautiful on the outside.

And she [is] absolutely beautiful.

Why must she face something so hard?

It's not fair.

But life goes on.

She is inspirational.

I can hardly believe it.

Just reading through her story.

I don't know that I could ever handle going through what she is.

So hard.

Seemingly impossible.

How?

With the aid and love of an Eternal Father. A Savior.

Her faith is astonishing. I can't even believe how strong she is.

"...a large branch of cherry blossoms. The colors were vibrant and gorgeous. Simple things like that allow me to feel special, happy, loved, and most of all... my favorite... feminine. We are women of a God who delights in his daughters to feel beautiful and adored. Whatever that is to you personally, don't let it go undone. It is in you safe and warm and no one can take that away from you...no one."

-Stephanie Nielsen

[to read the entire entry, click here]

independence day

it's not until tomorrow, but i thought i'd write now to be sure I did.. :)

I love the 4th of July. With all my heart.

It is by far my favorite holiday..

I never really realized how much I love it until a few years ago when I was at Stadium of Fire with my brother. I love that swelling patriotic feeling. That cheesy, small town USA, American feeling. I love America. I'm so blessed to live in a land so great.

I'm not saying it's perfect.

But let's compare.

And would you like a list of miracles involved in the formation of this country?

They are endless.

July the 4th.

7 . 4

Have you ever noticed that both seven and four are highly symbolic numbers in religion?

I don't believe in coincidences. Do you?

"life's a climb...

...but the view's great."

I went and saw the Hannah Montana movie tonight,

but I didn't think I'd enjoy it as much as I did.

It was just so relevant. So fitting. So accurate.

I love these cheesy Disney movies that are simply 'feel goods'

that always turn out with a happy ending.

All the problems are solved.

The girl always gets the cute guy.

The villain has a change of heart.

Everything works out perfectly.

Sometimes I wish my life was like that.

Always perfect.

But then again? I don't. And that's exactly why I loved this movie so much. It didn't skip straight from the hardship to a happy ending. It showed the climb to get to the perfection. It showed the hard trails. It made it completely clear that the climb most definitely isn't always a walk in the park...but instead a rigorous hike at times through treacherous and heartbreaking trails.

That's what life's about.

Making it through those hard trails that lead straight to a beautiful meadow. The stroll through the beautiful meadow that makes that climb worth it, even though you never thought it could.

But it does. Always.

"Caterpillar in the tree, how you wonder who you'll be.

Can't go far but you can always dream.

Wish you may and wish you might.

Don't you worry, hold on tight.

I promise you there will come a day. Butterfly fly away."

-Miley Cyrus

the soloist

i went to see this movie today,

or rather last night seeing as it's now after midnight:

if you've never heard of it, PLEASE click on that link above and watch the trailer. or better yet, go see it, because

i loved it.

it's movies like this that remind me of how much I love music and how much it means to me.

music of the heart is another one like that.

me and music is unexplainable,

but movies like this

make it all better again,

at least for a little while.

"I can tell you that by witnessing Mr. Ayer's courage, his humility, his faith in the power of his art - I've learned the dignity of being loyal to something you believe in ... believing without question that it will carry you home."

-Steve Lopez

if we had no winter...

"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome."

- Anne Bradstreet

Sometimes I'm a little melo-dramatic. My mom always says I should've pursued acting, because I would've been great. Well today was one of those melo-dramatic days.

scenario 1: I realize that the external hard drive I got had problems and of course I flipped out and freaked about something that I easily solved thanks to the wise advice of my brother a few hours later. silly me.

scenario 2: my phone crashed. but only temporarily. I always seem to have technical difficulties with my phones, not too long after I get them. And mine has been acting odd lately and completely died temporarily this afternoon. My dad got it back on but then i fret that i never know when it will happen again. so seeing as i'm getting a new phone on my own plan later this summer before going away to school, my mom simply told me to take a chill pill [in a few more words].

as you can see. i can be quite feisty sometimes. my family always teases me about it in regards to the poor sucker that will one day be bribed by my father and brothers to marry me. poor guy. bless his soul for being willing to tolerate me in moments such as today. [father dear is already pondering who on earth he'll be able to pay enough to do the job. lucky me.]

i think i need lessons in being more lady like. and how to be a good girl.

then again, earlier today when my dad told me it was raining, as always, he mourned and i got excited...hmm. i need to work on the rest of my family's perception of rain. but, those billowing storm clouds got me thinking.

even when the world is dark and stormy, it is still aesthetically pleasing. beautiful. what is beauty? what defines it? what makes something pleasing to the eye? i may not know the answers, but i do know when i see something beautiful. a life. the world around us. all beautiful.

needless to say, after my short-term emotional outburst that almost resulted in tears, the day gradually got better and better. it seems so silly now. for crying out loud, it was technology! why make such a fuss. silly me.

i have a lot of growing up left to do..

emotionally moving

I've seen links to this video a billion times before because I absolutely love the song ('Everything' by Lifehouse) but have never watched it because I thought it looked silly. So I saw it again the other night and decided, what the heck. I might as well at least watch it once.

By the end I was crying.

See for yourself:

our Savior is astonishing beyond words. and I love him dearly.

smile :))

today is such a great day.

i have found myself smiling and laughing or giggling at the stupidest things all day long.

it's just that good. :)

want some examples to give you a chuckle?

1. talking about michelle's silent laugh that makes

me look like a fool because my laugh is definitely NOT silent..

2. a silly story of my dad pulling a tree out of the ground with his bare hands because it was old and weak and dead (a detail that the boys were completely unaware of), in order to persuade Doug and Steven (who sincerely wanted to play rather than help rake leaves) to pick up the rake and help.. :)

"DOUG!!!! Get the rake!! Dad just pulled a tree out of the ground! He could kill us!!" - wide-eyed Steven William

it made me laugh. hahaha :)

3. driving on the freeway and seeing 3 men in a tiny convertible. the one in back looked hilariously squished seeing as he was also wearing a dress shirt and pants. all dressed up, but looking like an oversized teenager in the back seat. it was funny, to say the least :)

4. seeing a bunch of convertibles. it made me smile. you'd think we were in California or something. no one is thinking of the REAL Utah...constantly changing weather. FREEZING winters. oh well. let them have their fun for a few months.

5. i'm still going through my ENTIRE ipod on shuffle. and today's batch so far from listening has been a good one!

6. i'm going to provo tonight. granted, it's for training, but still.

7. sun-dried, curly, natural, summertime hair. end of story. :)

8. the NEVER-ending madrigals message on facebook...that is now just plain silly. oh well. i miss madrigals. :(

that's all i can remember for now. but even just for no reason i've been smiling and giggling. :)

LOVE it. <3

look what i found.

so I was just spending some time surfing the internet, and look what I found:

all i can say...is wow.