highlights and lowlights and redlights and golights.

because a little listed summary is the only adequate way to include all the important things.

in no particular order, some delightful lights of the break are included, but not limited to:

+ jillian's sealing. (the most beautiful morning of light.)
+ megs being back in america for a little minute. (can't even. those armknechts, though.)

+ fabfour reunion and an impending #apartment210 reunion. (i can't get over these women.)
+ break being one week longer than the byu one i'm used to. (more than a day after new years? what?)

+ having my first entirely solo session go supa well. (we gonna be bessst friendzzz.)
+ being just as entertained by the 'science experiment' as my client. (and the toy dinosaur that helped us.)

+ reading and reading. on my time. by my choice. the little things, you know? (i highly recommend the giver.)

+ naterson. (i mean. i know. right? i know.)

+ family parties. (and getting to know his delightful fambam.)
+ shnuggletimeourturn. (never gets old.)

+ movies. so many movies. (with a harry potter marathon on top.)
+ chinese food for dayz. (pass the sweet and sour chicken, please.)

+ dinners and laughs with laurs. (we're hilarious.)

+ christmas eve traditions. plus one. (the night before christmas is a crowd favorite.)

+ so many occasions for playing rosatheviolin of my own accord. (and fingers remembering things i forgot.)
+ jenniferannemariemckay. enough said. (cosmic soul connections.)

+ twinkle lights and the poinsettia quilt. my favorite place on a cold winter's night. (always.)

+ visiting with renaenae. (and. logan is literally in the middle of nowhere. how does anyone survive??)

+ the symphony. (always makes me heart-eyed. i really adore evenings at the symphony.)

+ sleeping in. naps. sleeping some more. (sometimes i think i spent the whole break asleep. opa.)

the only lower lights?

- it's january. (my januaryhatred is real. not over it. never over it.)

- snow. everywhere. (is winter over yet?)

- break ends.in three days. (i just.can't.even.)

follow me down to the valley.

because the thing about life, is that it's meant to be filled with people.

and the best kinds of people, are those that carry nothing but love.

friendships already understood that hold no expectation.

people that require nothing of you beyond you yourself.

because life is meant to be filled with people that only want you to be you.

so here i bring you some odds and ends of lately, this summertime of fourteen.

(cause i'm a little spotty on updating anything or anyone at anytime about my life.)

jibull down here is our fhe mother. so we decided to have waterballoons for a waterballoonfight.

guess who came?

essentially no one.

just see if we ever plan something real again.

this is sarah stagg. she served in chile and got home four months ago.

she has a banjo.

and she's one of the funniest and most down-to-earth people i've ever known.

she can stay forever. we're a little obsessed with her.

elder withers (tyler? #firstnamestruggles) came to provo for a little minute a few weeks ago,

so we planned a little 'let's get together.'

there's something just so refreshing about these people.

these people who already know. these people who want nothing of you but you.

ukraine eggs are good eggs. the best, really.

member that time i went to brick oven alone with five formerelders? (megochka came late.)

yeah, me neither. worth it for the roaming magic man.

speaking of elders. all of my mtc loves are home now, you know.

i went to a few homecoming shindigs when it happened.

this is elder ogden (steven) and elder egbert (jordan).

and that pretty looker on the right? gwennie was in town!

mtc companion love lasts forever.

and. in case you were wondering. he made it.

(don't know what that means? ask me.)

the blossoming of sunflower season. speaks for itself, yeah?

these are my favorite collection that i like to jog past.

then there was the time i decided a freshman roommate reunion was in order with cassi.

because spending part of a morning catching up with mama cass is good on the soul.

here we are, grown up and moving on. where did those years go?

(don't answer that.)

drop everything now.

because laursy mclaursykins came to provo to visit again. (i'm so demanding.)

we had a gooooood, long chat about all the things. and concluded with sparkling.

sparks flying in the summer night because i bought some really really cheap sparklers once at the store.

because everyone loves flying fire. soul sisters with sparkling? perfect.

i think everyone is due for more sparkles and sparkling in their lives.

last weekend we with sarah and jilly decided to hike up rock canyon in the evening.

but then we only went part way up and then laid down on a rock and watched the stars illuminate.

meanwhile, we talked about the universe, and especially about god.

which includes our mission experiences, and especially a thorough discussion of moses 7.

all in regards to the love of god // hope // agency.

i love these women. i love this beautiful world. i love our god that weeps.

and then the real kicker on top?

my new cheap target kicks.

i'll be your emmylou and i'll be your june, if you'll be my gram and my johnny too.

no, i'm not asking much of you. just sing, little darling, sing with me.

emmylou, first aid kit.

and there's just a small sampling of snapshots. nowhere near an all-encompassing description.

just a few scrambled pieces of this mixer we call life.

peaceeeee.

(cause i know my ma is probably the only one

who is actually interested slash made it to the end of this.

hi, ma.)

let's get lost until we're found. again and again.

options for celebrating the fourth of july:

(because it is, in fact, my favorite day of the year, right behind christmas.)

red, white, blue. everywhere.

and flags. allll the flags.

here's the thing.

some people do that whole pretend-like-they-like-people and stir something up.

but sometimes i don't have the energy in my heart anymore to be the hoster that stirs things up.

so instead, you can stick with a few days of cathartic, though sometimes insanity-inducing, solitude.

and decide on a whim to sew a dress from randomly found old collections of fabric.

i suggest the latter.

weird? maybe. over it.

yes, sew a dress without a pattern.

it's called the 'follow-your-heart-and-make-it-up-as-you-go' method.

my ma says it's good for practicing creativity.

just go ahead and call me martha.

(martha stewart would be proud.)

so i sewed a dress. a little jank, yeah.

but considering all the heart-following and lack of thorough sewing knowledge, not too shabby i say.

 

and to really top a celebration of independence off?

drive to the top of the world with your soul shrub.

laursy mclaursykins.

comes highly recommended on the soul.

also, we maybe just have an obsession with east canyon.

(because this really is what it looks like from the top!

i told laurs if i go to grad school at the U and end up living in salt lake,

i will probably drive up there at least every other day for a sanity break.)

and mountains in general.

and each other.

cool?

(also. it was reaaaaaal windy. so. the photo thing. yeah.)

 

nothing quite so good on the soul

as listening to the wind on your soul from the top of a mountain,

looking out across the world in peace.

so at least i got my friendssss.

happy fourth, world.

let freedom ring.

i had a dream so big and loud.

my new roommate reminds me of sister andrade. bestthingever.

newest summer goal for after the gre? i'm going to learn spanish. and i'm actually serious.

elder mikey cousin comes home next week. and then will be in ptown. i'm thrilled.

i never really recorded anything about my birthday. or my birfdayparty. what a shame. somedaytherewillbeplace.

i'm so much more relaxed since spring and summer began. and there's still several months to go.

spring has been good to me, overall. summer will too. i can tell.

the sun. sun is good for me. i can never get enough. heat warms my soul.

i saw multiple people i love this week. elder dykman (spencer?) was in town. and laurs came to visit.

i have red pants. so clearly i planned my fourthofjuly outfit. normal, right? #favoriteholiday.

i was so uptight when i first got home. i didn't realize how much, until now.

there's a relaxation and calm sinking into my bones. sun sinking into my bones. and. i like that.

there's more i could say. but for now, adieu. adios, amigos. (see what i did there?)

the ring is laurs's. clearly i'm not engaged. i was wearing it so it didn't get lost while we baked up a storm.
or in other words. i made her put the cookies on the sheet. #burnedem #cookiesarenotmystrength

and.

some songs i'm obsessing over lately,

some especially for while morning running and swinging as the sun rises:

(because a good playlist makes all the difference.)

best day of my life, american authors.

wake me up, avicii.

93 million miles, jason mraz.

breezy, conor oberst. (thanks to jilly)

gone for good, the shins.

all of the stars, ed sheeran. (thanks to laurs)

and current complete favorite?

gone, gone, gone, philip phillips.

give me reasons to believe that you would do the same for me.

and i would do it for you.

like a drum, baby, never stop beating.

like a drum my heart never stops beating. for you.

sides.

i saw lauren celeste tonight for the last time before my mission soon begins. the thing is, we're both really good at being in denial about this kind of thing for as long as possible. maybe if we just avoid it, we won't have to think about the fact that a goodbye is coming. and even when it is, it takes time before that goodbye really begins to sink in.

things that come with time will always be better ... you can take my hand and save me.

joshua radin, the rock and the tide

laur has saved me. from the very start, she has been my grace. the saving grace that brought light in darkness. in the hardest of times, she was my strengthening saving grace at my side, and it has only become sweeter and better with time. we haven't known each other for our whole lives, we didn't even become friends at all until high school was nearly half over, but the friendship we have is the equivalent of forever. because it is eternal. her family has become mine, and i love them as my own.  all i needed was the love they gave. and they gave and continue to give it openly. i adore them.

i'll be by your side, wherever you fall. in the dead of night, whenever you call.

tenth avenue north, by your side

in every situation, we stand side by side. sometimes one of us stands taller than the other, varying with the situation we're facing, but she's always been by my side. the past few years of college in different cities have meant a little more of being side by side in spirit, and now it will be even moreso. but even if i will be gone for 18 months straight, there's something about soul sister best friends that means nothing could possibly change, even if we've changed along the way. letters will have to do for a little while. but hey, she waited 24 months (almost 25) for will. this is nothing in comparison. and so even from across the world, she'll be by my side. because that's the thing when you have a soul sister. sometimes that's all you really need - someone standing at your side supporting you when you have no other words to really say. the night i opened my mission call and even after it was open, i was completely out of control, and completely in the twilight zone when it came to interacting with people. but all that time, she just sat next to me and didn't worry about the fact that i was in my own little world as the world moved on around me. because sometimes, you just don't need words.

i didn't know if you knew, so i'm taking this chance to say: that i had the best day with you today.

taylor swift, the best day

so tonight as we spent our last hours and moments together, we did just that. we sat side by side, the way we began. while i packed some things, she watched a walk to remember while i listened along and laughed and commented (and was super loud and probably super annoying). and then we watched our favorite parts of 10 things i hate about you. both of which are movies we've loved for years and watched together multiple times. (and laugh embarrassingly hard in so many places. haa.) the worst thing about it was the moment it had to end. and then as she left, realizing that i wouldn't just be seeing her again in a few days, with other random texts, chats, or emails in between. nope. eighteen months. eighteen. that's a rather long time without your besty. good thing there are emails and at least somewhat of a postal service, even if it's less than reliable.

there ain't no other friend like you.

joshua radin, friend like you

after my farewell talk on sunday, as i went to give her mom a hug, she just looked at me for awhile with tears in her eyes and as we hugged. as they left afterwards and it was the last time i'd be seeing mama wertz and melissa, there were at least 10 hugs before actually departing. and as la and i said our goodbyes tonight it was no different. we took a picture. realized it didn't feel like what was about to happen was actually happening, and then as we hugged (the first of several), laur started to cry. and then of course i couldn't exactly hold it in. and so we cried. and hugged. before saying, i'll be seeing you. i'm outrageously excited for my mission and all the things it will involve, but sometimes, leaving for so long means taking a moment and realizing what really matters, and that it's okay to miss people back home. just because you're far apart, doesn't mean the love ever diminishes. prayers and well wishes have no borders. as winnie the pooh (a.a.milne) so wisely said, 'how lucky i am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.'

so i'll be seeing you, laurs. in all the old familiar places. and i'll often be thinking just as winnie the pooh once did: 'i wonder what piglet is doing,' thought pooh. 'i wish i were there to be doing it too.'

on occasion.

sometimes, i'm not a very good blogger.

sometimes, life seems to be a bit too complex for blogging.

sometimes, life seems to be a bit too boring for blogging.

sometimes, you're more stressed about the fact that you might have lost a great deal of photos and possibly music from an uncooperative external hard drive.

sometimes, you don't wake up until after 9, and you stay in bed working on missiony odds and ends until well after 12. who am i becoming?

sometimes, you're just plain ready for adventure in the great wide somewhere to begin.

sometimes, you start to realize how detached you are becoming from this life, even from the people you love most. i suppose it's all part of the process. but a bittersweet one, at that.

sometimes, spending the day dreaming about your future hubster is nice and whimsical.

sometimes, you might wish that vacations could last longer than only a few days.

sometimes, going on a mission involves so many odd loose ends to be taken care of before being gone for so long.

and sometimes, a mumford & sons / simon & garfunkel binge seems to fit just right.
(yes i'm a little bitter that mumford is coming to slc in august after i've gone. only a little bit.)

most of all, sometimes i hate technology.

t-minus 82.5 hours.

i no longer have a home in ptown. for the next 18+ months.

(there sure are a lot of things lately reminding me that this is real life.)

and i'm wearing a tshirt and jeans right now. obviously today is out of the ordinary.

buut i bought these sunglasses while buying mish stuff cause they were super cheap.

(price and quality..ha.)

which obviously means i'm ready for summer sunshine.

three weeks of it, anyway. i have 23 days left of summertime.

soooooo bring on the st.geezay!

four days, soul sista.

FOUR.

can't even wait.

we we we so excited.

i'm so excited. and i'm so cool.

this is why i have friends.

baaahahahahaa.

now please excuse me while i watch a little ygm and make myself chocochip cookies.

you say goodbye, i say goodbye.

today was my last day of work. suddenly saying goodbye to people i'll likely never see again in my life makes the fact that i'm leaving so soon feel infinitely more real. t minus 26 days. almost 25, actually.

THREE POINT FIVE WEEKS. WHAT?

and yet maybe i wish it was october and i was already on the way to ukraine.

lauren rose moved out, so kylie and i are left alone. which is kind of sad seeing as i am hardly ever home. or wasn't, anyway, until now that i'm done working.

7 days from right now, soul sister and i will be partying it up

today at work we had mcdonald's breakfast to celebrate mine and another girl's last days.
my guilty pleasure=mcdonald's breakfasts. lurve them.

i feel like i don't remember how to write lately.

oops.

though i must say, i don't recommend going on a mission for those that would like to keep their sanity.

or maybe that's just me.

3 (and a half) weeks! bring it.

ps. mini romania reunion tomorrow? don't mind if i do!

weddings and soul sisters.

last week i went to jess's incredible wedding reception. i can't get over how beautiful everything was and how the neutral colors with the coral were just divine. the decorations, the flowers, the weather, the couple? adorable. and can we just talk about the lemon water for a second?? it was like crack. [pretty sure it was.] SO GOOD.

if we're being honest, though. i had an alternate motive in attending this wedding reception, outside of seeing beautiful jessi on her wedding day. seeing this girl (plus her hubby and sista, of course), because i really don't see her often enough. problem? absolutely. good thing st.geezy is only 12 days away. wooooot!

yay for weddings!

congrats mr. and mrs. north!

sooo happy and excited for the life ahead of you!

proofs.

so here's the thing, i quoted west wing at work today. that awkward moment when your coworker doesn't even know what you're talking about? yeah. it happened. i drink from the keg of glory, donna. bring me the finest muffins and bagels in all the land! we cancelled a lesson ten seconds apart from each other. like, how cool are we? so we're just holding out for the day we do so or submit something literally at the same second it'll happen one day, people. and we'll have chocolate to celebrate. (and the finest muffins and bagels in all the land, of course.)

obviously my days are really exciting. aha. ha. oh wait.

they're about as average as you can get. minus a papanasi date a few weeks ago with kylee.

it's fine, she's like many inches taller than me. and wayyy more fashionable.

but i love her, so i guess it's okay.

speaking of fashion sense, or the lack thereof, i turn twenty-one in less than a week. less than a week, people. and based on how i feel about my closet this week slash the past forever, you would think i was twelve. maybe fourteen, on a good day. i feel like being twenty one is one of those ages where you have to start looking the part. dang, gena.

or, another out of average experience was that time lauren rose and i went to a play. we went to a play on friday night! (this shows how cool slash pathetic we usually are.) we went to the secret garden with my grandparents and it was just plain lovely. and the man playing archibald and his performance of lily's eyes? well, neither of our pairs of eyes were dry for the entire evening. it's fine. have i ever mentioned how much i love the secret garden? i loved the book when i was little. the movie. and the musical. ohhh that music. most excellent. like, the recordings don't even do it justice.

or there was that time i had dinner with the famous natalie. like, i'm honored to just be in her presence, really. and she shared all her wisdom and i gained a newfound respect for her entire life, moreso than before.

or another time i had lunch with the legendary freshman roommate courtney renee.

it happened. i miss that girl. it's been too long.

member that time there was a slight scare that i'd have five more free weeks than originally planned? don't worry, nipped that one in the bud real darn quick. but that's bound to keep you on your toes.

so here's the thing. i should probably be fired from this whole, mission prep thing. i'm really bad at it. today i told laur i should set goals like watching a season or two of west wing completely before i go (my quoting it today inspired me) or a harry potter marathon or something. and then she told me i'm really setting my sights high. shoooooot. sure beats things like shopping that i haven't done yet or planning i haven't done.

i really should make a list of all these little things to be done.

like writing a letter to a person from my past. / finishing slash starting (shhh) my birthday gift for laurs. yes, her birthday was a month ago. i'm over it. / making a commitment and actually start buying outfits for the mish-it's fine, i don't want to look like an idiot, okay? we all know the story behind sista missionaries. i refuse to be the one everyone is embarrassed by. hellooooo, we want a nice face for the church out there in the yonder regions of ukraine, amirightoramiright? / or we could mention the sorting of my apartment and preparing to move out. / oh. and the grocery store? what's that? (jokes. ha. kind of. except not.) [except for the time i went to costco with sherry and came out with a pineapple. yes, i bought a pineapple. did you know i love pineapple. i love pineapple. so it's fine.]

but here's the real thing: having it be a holiday weekend and birthday weekend on top of that gives me all the more reason to put all these important things off or to do them as i please.

or not do them. it's the same thing, right?

in case you haven't noticed, i need to be legitimately in the mtc on my way to being in ukraine like, yesterday.

living in provo is cool and all. but i'm ready for adventure in the great wide somewhere, you know?

(nevermind the fact that the great adventure begins with 11 weeks of captivity in insanity land of the mtc.)

more west wing hilarity right over here. you're welcome. never mock the finely honed sense.

"i have a confession, mr. president. i never voted for you.

welp, thanks for trying. but i'm still here."

okay, so maybe the west wing is a my family thing?

it's like whatever.

truths and honesty.

if i were into being completely and honestly truthful lately, there are a few things i would tell you. say we were sitting down to chat, dear reader. you and i in a quaint little bakery or cafe, or walking through a park. say you asked me to tell you about me and my life lately, and i was sworn to an oath of truth-telling and complete openness.

+ i would tell you how hard things have been lately. how much of a battle so many small moments can be.
+ i would tell you how i go to the temple, sometimes multiple times in one week, not in a desire to be ultra good or righteous, but in an act of desperation, feeling it as one of the few things that i'm capable of doing to combat the powers being actively exerted against me.
+ i would tell you how, no matter how hard i try to force my mind to be happy, there were multiple days in a row this week that i knew it was a lie, especially to myself. a lie that no one knew. but i wasn't really happy. and i didn't have a reason why. i just wasn't.

+ i would tell you that i feel like a failure with the decision to forego the french minor. that i feel frustrated when people question this decision with only two classes left, frustrated that they don't know what those classes would entail, and how much effort is involved in knowing or not knowing a language, particularly in my odd situations with languages lately. some people look at languages like an on/off switch that works like magic once you know it, failing to realize how quickly skills are lost. much quicker than they can ever be regained, especially when built on a less-than steady foundation.

+ i would tell you that i feel like a quitter for cancelling my gre registration to take it before leaving. i know it's for the best, but i can't help but still feel like a flake for signing up and then backing out 10 days before i was supposed to take it.
+ i would tell you about how i was frustrated with myself this week. because i recognized my uneasiness and unhappiness, and despite my active efforts to combat it, there were several days in a row that would have no such thing--despite bits of sunlight and earnest pleading for relief.
+ i would tell you that there is true power to be found in the temple, though not always as first expected or when first expected. and i would tell you how much it pains me when i see people turn their back on what has been revealed to them. because i sincerely don't understand how someone could, but at the same time, i completely do understand--and maybe that scares me.

+ i would tell you about the pure happiness that comes in having a second family named the wertz's. i would tell you about how melissa so willingly offered to go with me to the temple, and how she encouraged me even when i almost gave up on making it on time. if nothing else, that drive to and from salt lake was everything i needed. add in the time in the temple with melissa, the time in the celestial room with the wertz parentals, the dinner we shared, followed by joining will and laur for ice cream? well, that's called free family therapy, even when they have no idea of the effect their constant love and welcome has on me.
+ i would tell you about how much i savor the little moments, like laughter with lauren rose, sunny mornings, funny chats with my supervisor or my coworkers, gchatting with stevie and laurs, talking to our pet fish (oh yes, we have fish. goldfish.), or going to a musical with my grandparents that may have brought me near tears a few times.
+ i would tell you about how annoying, and yet slightly amusing, the stupid traffic school sort of thing i had to go to was. but, if we're still being honest, nothing can stay slightly amusing for four. straight. hours.
+ i would tell you about how alone i've felt lately, even--or maybe more especially--when surrounded by other people.
+ i would tell you about how ready i am to be gone, needing this next step in my life to begin. and about how out of control giddy and excited i get on occasion. other times, i just get near tears wayyy too easily with the weirdest things that cause it.
+ i would tell you about how i feel completely lost in this place in my life that i've never been in before, but despite this, about how surrounded i've been with tender mercies while in the process of making a new map for this unblazed road i'm on.
+ i would tell you about the tinge of sadness inside me that my time mentoring grace is now over, and how i'll look back on the past two years i've spent with her with incredible fondness and appreciation.
+ i would tell you about how much happier i've been on a few occasions lately. after spending time with my immediate family, or after my evening with the wertz's. and how weekends are a welcome relief.
+ i would tell you about the completely odd and irrational fears i have when it comes to my mission and being a sister missionary. or about my commitment issues with making any mission purchase.
+ i would tell you about how the past week or two, i can't stop thinking about the future right after i get home from my mission. and about my future someday hubby (and i'd hate myself for even being that girl and completely acknowledge how dumb i am as i told you this).
+ i would tell you about the healing and happiness that has consumed me, starting last night and today. and how much i hope it lasts. i would tell you how these are all things i'd never say, because i don't want pity. i just want understanding. and i want happiness and peace. something that at last is becoming fulfilled.

all of this, of course, in the entirely hypothetical situation in which i'd be completely honest.

something i'd never do when talking to a human soul and in a situation we're not in.

completely hypothetical, my dear reader.

truth.